7:48 a.m. - 2005-02-03
some ramblings about things in my head
I feel like writing but i'm not entirely sure what I feel like writing about. I guess that's as good a reason as any to sit down and put fingers to keyboard for a little while.
There's a lot of stuff going on in Tara-land lately. Work's been busy but not back-breakingly busy at least, which is always good. I've been lacking sufficient drive to actually get some projects done but then again, they've been put on the back burner for the most part until some questions are answered, which, like anything else around here, is sure to take nearly a month to get.
I went back and interviewed with a company I talked to last year. This looks pretty good. I've been there 3 times now and have probably clocked a total of 7-8 hours over the whole interview process. I know they're calling my references this week... Jansen was cool enough to send me an email and let me know they called.
I'm nervous about the whole thing. It becomes a dilemma about which is more important, money or my sanity. Most people are probably scoffing and saying, "That's not really a choice that should be so difficult!" Yeah, sanity would be nice but I've got this hang up about making money AND not to mention I've found that I have this terrible snobbiness about me in my career and wonder if moving to retail is a step back instead of a step forward. And hence, it becomes a great debate in my head.
I work in the financial industry... supposedly this is my "ticket to any job [I] will ever want".... as quoted from my recruiter back when he helped get me in here... well, that's likely true because, after being here for 3.5 years I can truly say this, if you can live under these conditions, you can do anything you want to! Now... to define "these conditions".
By "these conditions" my intention isn't to make you think it's ALWAYS miserable. I tend to look beyond that (it's half because you can't let the fluff get to you and also because if I thought about the bs too much, it would get me down) and see the value in having this experience. It's fast paced. You're 100% liable for all of your actions and you literally have to consider how anything you suggest will effect millions of people accessing your systems. You're responsible for doing everything in your power to deliver the solutions we support in a 24x7x365 environment... it's a tough job. I love the job! Somewhere along the way I've just grown to see the company in the light it has painted itself, probably accidentally, over the time I've been here.
CS is growing... and a fairly rapid rate, I'd say and that's partially responsible for the collapse we're seeing around here lately, I'd say. I have few doubts that the company, as a whole, will flourish and right itself again (people-wise) in the long run but my issue right now is that I'm so embedded I'm losing sight of where that "long run" might fall when considering it in months or years.
I think part of me is just scared about changing jobs and not liking the new one. I remember this feeling a little the last time around. In this case I have the added complication that I'll be on a team that is essentially run by women... something I'm not used to and, typically, in power situations, I don't really care to answer to women... funny how those things carry over into other parts of your life.
Ahh well... I'll make a decision when the time comes. In all honesty I wonder if I could even continue to survive here if they did give me more money, another local resource and complete control over the DB2 development (and prod)... I'd like to, because I helped build it and there's something far more alluring to building things and then supporting them rather than installing some packaged software and attempting to support that. I like to build things... THAT'S fun to me.
I keep trying to decide how to begin to put my mom's bday together... I'd really like to get people together that she hasn't seen in a while for a party. I think it would be a fun way for her to turn 50. (I CAN'T BELIEVE MY MOM IS GOING TO BE 50!!) I don't really know too many of the people that she used to know so I would have to find someone to start with. I keep thinking about Jeannie but sometimes, she's annoying (ahh family) and I don't know how much help she'd be. I'd love to find Mrs. L (but she's been married and I cannot for the life of my remember the particularly long, greek name that she took... oh wait! I do! He was a Diatelevi!!) she'd be helpful... maybe I'll search for her.
I'm tired this week. I don't feel like doing much of anything other than sitting quietly and stitching or just sitting quietly. I think I feel like I've done nothing but rush around all week because I've had to go to Costco and Walmart and then get home to go to the gym or Weight Watchers (at which I've had a horrible 2 weeks!) or to walk... it's kind of stressful but I'm trying not to let it bug me too much because with the walking, I like spending the time there, I get to read, which is good but it's just not habit yet and so, it's stressful. Plus, now that it's actually required of me, it's additionally stressful to worry about not being able to get to something else because I have to walk instead.
Yeah, I still worry about stupid stuff now and again but such is life. At least I'm not splitting my head over anything at this point. The job thing is heavy... and the whole lump issue which still isn't resolved yet. My appointment was rescheduled to this coming week... so after that it will all be over, I hope. I'm fearing the big needle (i.e. biopsy) so I'm praying that whatever the lump is, it's fluid filled because I think that's when they don't need to biopsy it.
You know, I hadn't even considered the fact that no matter what it is, it might have to come out... that's odd. I guess, because my mom has had a lumpectomy before, I'm not really all that nervous about them taking it out so much as the potential for scarring AND remembering that my mom had the worst time getting that incision to heal! It was infected for months!
So I should be able to give more info on that next week post-wednesday. I have a feeling this will be a busy month.
I wish it could just be slow... I like spending my bday leisurely... I'm kind of bummed that can't happen this time around but I'll live. It's not "just another day" to me still... it's my birthday and i'm happy i'm still here to celebrate it :)
