5:59 p.m. - 2004-01-15
long time no write!
*pushes the dust aside*
So this is my journal eh? Looks sort of familiar... perhaps I used to write here every day before. Hmmm... I shall have to work on that again!
So it is mere days before I leave for my trip to NJ and then, subsequently, to Baltimore and I am both excited and dreading it all at the same time. I'm simply not ready to go as far as work is concerned and I'll give myself an anuerism if I think about that too much so... on with it. I'm slightly excited at the mental downtime I'll have. A week to decompress and pick myself apart and put myself back together again. I'll both welcome and hate the loneliness.
I suspect I'll hate it more while I'm at SR. I suspect that there will be a deep longing in me to simply be at His feet but alas, it will not be possible since He will be here and I will be there. And of course, I did the math today and it looks like I probably won't get to talk to Him until Monday night despite my Sunday departure from Baltimore because I figure I won't be home until midnight or after :( I don't care though, I'm leaving Baltimore Sunday night and driving home. I will WANT to be home by then, I'll be dying more than likely. Anything just to be able to curl up next to Him and go to sleep that night. At least I don't have to work the next morning.
This trip has brought up a lot of different things. A trip to Jersey automatically, somehow, now brings up questions about whether or not to call Jenny and have dinner or hang out or something. It's nothing that I've sprung on but He continues to suggest that it would be a good thing to do. I keep telling Him that it will be too awkward and that I'm not ready to let all the potential hostility loose again. I simply keep wishing it away. She apologized (sort of) for something on our Christmas phone mail message that I did not even think twice about. I sat there wishing, later, that she had made the right apology and then perhaps I would have written the email I was nearly going to write. I'm just not ready. I have not forgiven, nor forgotten at this point and thusly, I'll remain in my holding pattern.
I have the possibility of going out some night with Bekki while I'm down there. She's not all that far away and has offered to do dinner with me. I'll email her but I won't hold my breath. I don't know her all that well and life has it's way of interfering with such plans.
And then, of course, outside of all that is the fact that I'll be away from Him, which I hate, but which I realize is healthy for us both, especially since SR is truly for the both of us. Jealousy runs rampant in the fact that andrea will be here when I cannot be and it's not because I particularly am worried about them doing anything or about her trying to steal my place (I am finally somewhat rational about all that currently though somehow it will flare up later down the road I'm sure... it happens, it's competition, it's natural, I can deal with that) but instead, it's jealousy that she can be here and I cannot. That she will be here in His reach. She will sleep next to Him in -my- standard spot. I am jealous more of the time someone else will be sharing with Him that I cannot.
It's somewhat strange really because most people would just be outright jealous of the person. I don't really care WHO it is, I'm just jealous that other people get to spend time with Him and I'm away. It's kind of screwy. I suppose I just value the closeness and the touches and looks. He seems to think that I don't realize that this situation will likely arise more often when the girls live with us but truly, I realize that. And though it won't change how I feel, I will deal with it, just like I am dealing with it now and perhaps maybe it will be less painful along the way. After all, we condition ourselves against such "constant" pains until we do not truly feel them anymore unless we allow ourselves. I suppose what I mean is that I'll just get better at dealing with it and pointing the negative energy to something more positive.
At least I don't plan to wallow in my own self-pitying jealousy this weekend. I suspect I'm going to have a very interesting weekend full of good thoughts, bad thoughts and perhaps even some understanding. I'm hoping to find some direction towards answers that I need in regards to my position in the family and perhaps find a way to come to terms with some of the unwanted responsibilities that have been presented to me.
I love my girls. I'll likely love all the girls that make some kind of commitment to this lifestyle within our walls and grow with us. It is difficult though to help someone else grow and to try to grow at the same time. And so, I too am learning and growing and it makes the growing pains that much more difficult sometimes.
Sometimes I feel terribly misunderstood. But that will have to wait... I've got company and I don't want to be a shitty hostess :)
Toodles for now!
