11:27 a.m. - 2003-10-28
mini-brain dump
i guess i need to write...
i just wrote Him this long email that ended up containing all these things that i didn't even realize were on my mind.
usually indicative of me supressing things that are bothering me or some other such predictive indicator. at least i got all that crap out and i suppose we'll see where it goes from there.
it's made me thoughtful though. and mindful. it's made me wonder what else is in my head that doesn't want to come out or perhaps even that i don't want to let out.
cryptic.
yes, even to me.
mostly i guess i'm currently feeling needy which, to me, is unusual. it could be the nature of our schedules lately and the lack of time for just me and for just He and i. i've been longing for some quiet, concentrated time with Him but at the same time i realize how little time we have in general for anything more than our regular time together.
part of it is backlash to adding another family member and my residual fears and anxieties about putting us all together in one house (oh yes, i have those too). part of it is responsibility for yet another body under my guidance and i'm sure there are a million other factors that have gone into making me this strangely covert ball of nerves and raw emotion that i seemed to have touched on today quite by accident.
He usually yells at me at least once a year for surpressing things that i should probably be talking about when they bother me and not a while later. in my mind though, His priority is school right now and i want so badly for Him to do His best and so, i keep all my little idosyncracies and woes and distresses to myself.
yeah, i can be stupid too. i get better every year at not being stupid but as a human i claim my diminutive right to be stupid on random occassions and for no good reason whatsoever. besides, with as busy as i am most of the time, i'm lucky if i realize i'm doing it at all until it's too late.
case in point: today.
i hate it when my thoughts sneak up on me like that. it's annoying and it's almost like violating myself... if that were at all possible.
must think more. must write more. (must work less ;) )
speaking of work (creative segway away from the cryptic bullshit talk), i finally managed to widdle my way to the bottom of the crap pile (aka - all the work that backed up while i was out for two days doing documentation) and have achieved an almost clean work inbox which equates to nothing "urgent" on my plate. *big deep happy breath* yay!
i bought the Audio CD for "The Present" yesterday and was listening to it this morning. I think I'm almost done with it but i shut it off when He called because some things are just more important than listening to an audio book :) i think it will be a helpful story but i still like Who Moved My Cheese? better. By the by, the audio CD is only $9.99, the book was something like $19.99... gee, why did i buy the CD??
anyway, i need to get back to work but i needed to empty my brain a little.
hopefully soon i'll be able to come back and write again ;)
