8:02 a.m. - 2003-10-30
me :) or, basic ramblings of me.
i wanted to write yesterday but of course didn't get the chance. sometimes it's frustrating to sit here and think about writing all day but not have the opportunity to do so. i guess that's just the way things work sometimes.
i don't know that i can capture the effect of what i wanted to write about yesterday so perhaps i'll just graze past the whole thing and see what comes out for today.
imperfection.
i am imperfect. i can accept this. i often wonder if some people think that i think i'm perfect. i'd laugh, honestly. i'm not perfect and no one should hold me out to be. i screw up like everyone else and i don't think i'll ever strive for complete perfection (minus the whole drawback of having to reroot my entire life to try to find something to drive me again... perfection would suck, actually).
i am, i suppose, a perfectionist when it comes to certain activities. it's a control. it allows me to control my environment in some ways or at least to maintain some kind of tacit stability for a while until the world is shaken up and i need to find another way to re-establish myself and get things done.
i am sometimes organized to the point of fanaticism.
i am difficult to please.
i am a bitch. (i was going to write "can be" instead of "am" but promptly laughed at myself and ask who i thought i'd be kidding...)
i am demanding.
i am exacting.
i can be unforgiving at times.
i can be fair, when i see room for fairness.
i can be rude and obnoxious.
i can be childish.
i am spoiled.
i can be shy.
i can be non-confrontational.
i can be angry, sad, happy, emotional in general... the full gamut of emotions.
i can remember.
i can forget, though some things you -never- forget.
i am stubborn.
i can be cultured or crude. it's fun having one background and living in another world completely.
i can hate and love individual people all at the same time.
i can be manipulative.
i am a dreamer.
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strange little left turn there. unusual for me. perhaps somethings i needed to think about.
My horoscope the other day told me i should patch things up with a person that i haven't spoken to in a long time. i often chuckle slightly when i read those things. they make me think of Jenny.
i won't lie and say that i haven't thought about her often lately. He will fill me in on little details of her life as He still reads her journal occassionally. i stopped for the most part after the last journal war with Jeff. it was too frustrating to me and i felt like even though i wasn't speaking to her anymore that i would be or was being too critical of her and her choices. i worry about her. even when i don't have any little updates on her i often question her choices in a general way. i am glad that she is doing what she perceives to be best for her because that's what any of us should always do but i will always be concerned about those choices... just like i'm always concerned about my own when i make large life choices.
i don't honestly know where it's all coming from. i'm not driven to read her journal anymore. she's not a part of my life. there's still that part of me that won't talk to her because i still think i'm owed an apology that i never truly got (at least i feel that i never got an apology that was meant in a sincere manner).
maybe all of this is coming up again because of "The Present"... maybe i'm forcing myself to look at the situation again (though it does cause my heart some pain) and assess what i learned from that now that i can take away the hate and anger that permeated the entire mob scene. It's funny how "i wish i knew then, what i know now" applies to situations so readily sometimes.
but i know that at that time i could not be the person that i am now and that i did indeed learn lessons from that whole mess that i couldn't have seen then. i was angry and hurt. i still am sometimes. i feel less so today. perhaps i'm dealing with the crap that happened better. perhaps i'm just seeing it all in a different light.
i'm also now separating the journal war from the Jeff war in my head. i suddenly realized just now that though they used the same conduit, they truly have nothing to do with each other. it was a weak point exploited for a different reason. strange realization to have this far down the road but an important one all the same i suppose. it oddly makes me feel relieved in some uncanny way.
perhaps the drilling of the "come to terms with a past situation" messages have been floating in my head for a while. maybe i want to deal with it so that it will stop haunting me and so that it will leave my thoughts on a semi-regular basis. i never really thought about how often something reminds me of it.
i guess i can sum it up with the thought that some people come into our lives and stay but bring nothing to the table. Others come into our lives for a short time and though they may leave physically, they seem to stay with you forever. i wonder if i'm the only one in -this- situation that feels this way.
in some ways... i think it's too bad i don't want to ask.
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i've been thinking a lot about the future lately. part dreaming, part personal readying to make sure that i can plan properly for what the future may hold. of course, that statement as a general whole is kind of a blanket statement across my entire life.
i'm trying to better plan being able to afford a REAL house sometime in the near future.
i'm trying to better plan a weightloss plan. i've even been considering options that i wasn't considering before and that i still question why i would consider them... bah, not worth wasting my keystrokes on until my mind is made up.
i've been trying to prepare myself for the inevitable "move". i hate moving in general and the next one is going to include a whole host of additional anxieties for me. i'm trying to learn to deal with all of that ahead of time. strangely though, i'm sort of happy to move again because it means i'll have to throw stuff away again which means i'll have less "stuff" to manage again. there's something to be said for moving a lot and changing your life around now and again.
i've been trying to work on personal issues like unwinding and concentrating. my exercises from Him, my new focus on classes at the gym, and other things are helping to promote better behaviors on my part in many situations. i'm gettng better at some things, more empassioned about others. it's a give and take situation still because i haven't centered enough energy to give more to everything. a person only has so much energy.
my brain lately seems to be on a kick though. i keep digging up all this crap. where the hell does it all come from??? maybe my brain has a fall cleaning period. maybe it's my unconscious way of emptying my head of all the stuff that eats away at me before my "down time" in the late fall and winter (ahh... nothing like a touch of SAD to make you learn to avoid certain behaviors). i suppose in some ways, it could be my way of overcoming the crutch of the label "SAD" (as in Seasonal Affective Disorder, or better put emotional rollercoastering due to lack of exposure to quality sunlight). i hate those clinical terms now and applying them to myself is insane but thank you Dr. H0ughton for applying that one to me. like my blood pressure, i'm doing what i can to overcome the situation. soemtimes i think i just need some help... more thoughts...
i feel like everythign is moving in fast forward again. soemtimes it gets that way. maybe it's beacuse i've got my schedule so jam-packed with things for me to do but i'm starting to feel like i'm behind on things (notably my homework) because i'm spending too much time doing other things (right now like sewing and going to the gym...)
i'm frustrated that the things i want to do interfere with the things i'm supposed to be doing. i hate that the time i want to spend with Him should be time taken to do my assignments or my homework. and i've been slacking too... i plan to fix that soon again, it's just that life has been far to overwhelming lately. too much, too fast. too many weekends filled with too many people and too much activity. i think every fall is like that though. part of me thrives on it, the other part wants it all to go away for a while.
i have fears about BR. i have to share it with other people this year. i am used to being the only child and am slowly getting used to sharing but this is my #1, absolute favorite event of the year and i have my reservations about potential drama that could arise. i'm trying not to give it too much thought though because giving thought to those potential activities can sometimes give birth to them and quite simply, it's supposed to be a good and a fun weekend and i fully intend to enjoy myself! i'm sure everything will go fine. it always does.
well, i am getting distracted by work and though i'd love to sit here and write for much longer i need to get some work done so that perhaps i can escape from here earlier to try to get some of the other things i need done, done. (like more sewing, yay!)
toodles for now.
