6:54 p.m. - 2003-08-12
emptying head session #1
I thought about writing nearly all day. I wasn't at work today though so I had to wait until I got home. Now I'm here and I'm trying to remain hidden until such time as I can empty my head.
It's terrible when you can't write right away when you feel the need. Jenny and I used to talk about getting those mini-tape recorders just for occassions like that. I need them when I go on road trips.
Mostly my writing urges were trigged by being back in the "home area" again. It's always strange to go back to the place you grew up in or spent a significant time of your life in and remember things. Worry about things. See things. See things that weren't there before. heh.
I think I'll always have this reaction to going back to the area that lies between Westminster and Orange. It's a large area, yes, and I remember it so well that I found myself not paying much attention to where I was going but still ending up at my destination. That's both an odd thing and I suppose somewhat dangerous since I get there without thinking about it!
Part of me hates going back to Athol/Orange because I have no idea what the people there who knew me think of me. I'm always scared I'm going to run into someone and just not know what to say or, worse yet, I'm not really sure what (or if) they'll say to me. I didn't grow up out there but my few years (something like 6) that I did spend out there I met a lot of people and made some acquaintances. Mostly I'm scared to see those people I knew best. Those people who Louie still sees on a daily basis.
I'm petrified of seeing his coworkers. I can't imagine what he's told them... worst of all. I'm petrified of seeing any member of his family. I'm certain my name is not spoken among the best tones in that family since I took off without explanation to them and without any goodbyes. I didn't and don't owe them any explanations but I'm not sure what he told them so... I'd just prefer not to have to run into them again. The only ones I wish I had said good bye to was Tom and Denise and the kids. I wish I could have told Denise what was going on and made peace with that. She was the closest thing to a friend I had while I was out there and I miss her and the kids terribly sometimes. They've got to be getting so big...
Seeing and talking to Louie is always interesting too. We're friendly now. He doesn't take digs at me or at Him anymore, which is absolutely great. It takes a lot of stress out of our little get togethers. It's always a little awkward at first anyway because we really don't know anything about each other's lives anymore. That amazes me to some level... just two years and a few months ago we were so involved with each others lives that I knew his every move. Now, I'm lucky that I heard through the grapevine (aka my mom) that he had gone on vacation for two weeks to MO! (I'm glad she found out because I was getting perturbed at him for not returning my emails!)
We talk about him a lot, hardly ever about me and if it is about me it's always about work. 90% of the time we talk about him bowling. He's going on the pro tour this year. I'm proud of him. I hope he'll be on TV so I can watch. That would be really cool. He said they may bowl at a place close to here. If he does, maybe I'll go watch. He'd like that.
Anyway, we signed our papers and now we just have the financial statements and $150 to come up with. He paid for the notary fee we had to pay to get one of the items notarized. That was nice of him. We ate at subway (definately not on my diet but was still good) and chatted. Before subway though we went out to the house and I got to see the kitchen. It's yet unpainted but it looks a zillion times better. The house is clean, which makes me very happy. Louie says his roommate is "quite domestic". hehe. Right now it smells sort of like cat but he revealed to me that they had discovered that their cat had been spraying everything in the house... so the cat isn't allowed inside anymore. I suppose they'll fix the smell eventually. I'd be going out of my mind.
I dropped him off at work and drove off. I had decided that I wanted to stop at Smith's Country Cheese and hook myself up with some of their gouda spreads *drool* this stuff is so good, I wish the farm was closer to FR! On my way there I past my aunt's house and some other spots that held signifigance in my past. It's almost surreal driving around there now because I can -feel- the fact that it was a different life than I have now. I didn't know you could actually -feel- that you had left one life and moved on to another. It makes me both ashamed and happy at the same time. Ashamed because sometimes it feels like I let go of a part of me that I should have cherished. My upbringing, my family traditions, things like that. But at the same time I know I did what was best for me and I also know that I'm happy. I'm happy. And that's all that matters.
So I stopped and got my cheese, proudly reporting that I was taking it back to FR with me and the woman's eyebrows went up "you came all the way up here from FR?" "yes I did, and I'm not going home without this cheese!" She smiled and handed me my receipt and bid me a good day. I love that little shop it always smells so good (candles and spices) and has some of the coolest knick-knacky like stuff and earthenware dishes. I should have taken more time to browse around...
Back on the road again I take a left off the road the farm is on and suddenly realize I'm heading straight for the cemetary where Mems is buried. It prompts me to think about how much I've been speaking about her lately. I wondered if I should have stopped and had a talk with her but the time was getting to the point where I needed to get to the tire place and also, I had to now find a cooler or something for the cheese I just bought while totally unprepared to transport it around for 5 hours or so. I talked to her a little under my breath as I drove by the cemetaries (there are three right next to each other, she is in the middle one) and it made me feel slightly at peace with not being able to stop by. I thought of Memire Jeanne as I drove by Halford street. She too is gone now. A wonderful woman she was. She was like my second memire that I never had on my mom's side.
I'm slightly uncomfortable right now with the fact that an entire stretch of road makes me think of nothing but death and what I've lost to it. But it wasn't all sad memories. I thought about writing a letter to Mem and just having it all out again with her and perhaps leaving it there next time I'm up. I suppose someone will read it at some point when they have to throw it away... unless there's still a such thing as people who respect other people's privacy. It wouldn't matter to me though because they wouldn't understand... or perhaps it would touch them. I don't know, it doesn't matter. I might just do that since I have to go back up to that area on the 27th now... I'll mention that later...
So I picked up a little insulated lunch bag at Job Lot and shot off to have my tires changed. Of course, I'm an idiot and didn't grab something other than my american express this morning and so was forced to use my dcu visa and put myself into overdraft... *sigh* well, I guess the tires will be paid for in cash after all. But while I was standing there waiting for the guy to finish my tires I realized again another reason why I'm so glad to be out of that area.
There parked next to me was a maroonish nissan sentra. A pretty girl was driving and had a guy with her (who I later discovered was not her BF or maybe it could've been, who knows) and apparently she needed a new battery. The guy took hers out went in and got another and there must have been some problem with it because the next thing I hear is her ranting "blah blah fucking blah blah fuck blah blah" the words weren't all that important to me as you can tell. basically ever other word out of this girl's mouth was some form of the word fuck. I was appalled. And she was basically starting a fight with the guy with her and they start screaming at each other. Finally the guy comes out of the store and takes a look, apparently the battery that he had said would fit, wasn't fitting and she was pretty jacked about this. She didn't mumble the f-word once while the service guy was standing there but as soon as he left I hear her start up again complaining about some lost screw or something and having to drive all over the place to replace it. (Here I am standing out front of a parts and tire place mind you... this girl was just outta control). Anyway, point of the story. Little miss potty mouth made me remember one of the things I hate most about the area that I grew up in. The children are just like their parents for a certain set of age groups that it's amazing.
Ashburnham-Westminster can be like a pattern magnet for people who aren't smart enough or ambitious enough to get the hell out of there when they can (preferably to go to school and contribute to society instead of sucking off of it in some other town). It's so hickish out there that the trash mouths and laziness breed like the mosquitos and it just sucks the life right out of people making them like drones and committed to working in a low to lower-middle class life for the rest of their existance. Perhaps I should just be thanking my mom at this point for instilling in me the desire to have better, to be better and to obtain better for myself at all costs. Yeah. I'll just do that. Thank you mom! (I'll thank her later since she doesn't read this... or at least I don't think she does... oy!)
Then onto the doctor's I go (yeah, I had a busy day) I get a clean bill of health so far. I have to go back for blood work. I told them I'd come in on the 27th in the morning since I have that day off anyway. It sucks because I can't eat anything after midnight that day until after they secret vampire society member removes my precious blood from my body. BUT! I've discovered something about my fear of needles. I don't fear someone taking my blood as much as I fear someone pushing something into my body (a la tetnus shot). Yes folks, I'm "overdue" for a tetnus shot and they wanted to do it today but I brushed it off until I go to have them take my blood. I realized that I'm horrified at the thought that she's going to put something IN me and not quite so horrified about her taking some out of me. Weird. I remember that tetnus burns a little. It's been forever but I do remember that. Plus I think they give that in the bicep, which I'll HATE but it's better than getting it in my ass which is how I got the last one and the one before that too. (Yes it's HAS been that long since I"ve had tetnus, at least to the best of my recollection). So they're taking my blood for a cholestorol test and then sticking me with drugs to warp my brain and take control of me... alright, so that's a little extreme ;) I'll act like a big girl when I go (who am I kidding, I always blunder like a baby when they pull out the damn needles!)
I went to the photo shop too to try and get some photo floods. I had no idea what I wanted but I told the woman what they were for and she suggested some but didn't have two so she said she'd order them and have them for when I'm up next. That was nice of her. I hate that place though... they look at you like you're trying to take over their business... PUH-LEEEZE! They've been in Gardner for as long as I can remember and that's a pretty damn long time! Freaky people.
I also stopped at barnes & noble too and did some cookbook shopping. It made me feel better to have bought something tangible to take home with me. Unfortunately for my credit rating (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) my comfort activity is purchasing things. But I was practical and bought stuff we'll (hopefully) use once or twelve times :)
And now, home again. A lot written and I have no idea how much I've said. My head feels empty though and that's a nice feeling after carrying around a bunch of assorted thoughts all day. I know I didn't get to everything but in the great filing cabinet that is the brain, it's difficult to find everything sometimes because my clerk isn't the most organized at filing my thoughts sometimes!
Anyway, I've stayed "away" on AIM so I could vent. But now, it's time to talk to my bunny...
yes... i think i'll call her my bunny.
