8:34 a.m. - 2003-08-04
Reflections and thoughts after a fun-filled weekend.
AQUARIUS:
>>Monday, August 4
Mercury, the planet of logic, is tickling Saturn, the planet of structure. In a word (or more accurately, in several words), this interplay is inviting you to look at the big picture, rather than the selectively edited one, and ask the basic questions - even though they're fairly complex and don't have particularly easy answers.
I suppose this one is most interesting indeed in reflection on the weekend and the potential outcomes of it all.
But first...
Four adult women, one adult male in a 1200 square foot apartment for three days. Every vanilla man's dream I suppose, but one would think that it would cause an incredible amount of drama. Amazing, little to no drama this weekend. At least not the tangible variety that makes for uncomfortable silences and things of such nature.
I guess I sort of view it as our first "family" weekend. Because despite the varying levels of "family membership" we are indeed a family because we support each other and at least He and i plan to be there for the other three as much as we possibly can.
What's funny is there isn't a common level of support needed at any level. andrea is perhaps due the most attentive version of support and H and Kristy are lower but varying intensities of support. I suppose that sounds weird but I think it's a matter of positions in their own lives as well as positions in ours.
I don't number them within our lives. I can't. And, I suppose, to me it doesn't matter too much since I'm first girl, which sounds so damn snobby but that's just how it is. I could potentially empower one or another to a certain position among them but I try not to. It's not my business. My business is to stay on top and, as amazingly crude as it sounds, try to keep the others down just enough so I stay on top. heh... It's not quite as barbaric as it sounds within my own situation with the family since it's pretty much unquestioned that I am first girl. (For which I am deleriously happy.)
I'm off track.
The weekend went incredibly well and unless they are lying to me everyone seemed content with how it went as well. Most seemed genuine while discussing it, some, still too guarded and aloof, detached but still somewhat unable to hide all her feelings. Every last one of them will think that statement is about them... this amuses me. Tell me I'm not sadistic. But it will lead to interesting conversation I suppose and that, above all, is the part that works most for me.
The dynamics this weekend were good too. It was like a giant slumber party sometimes and others, just like what I suppose would be a common 5 person family. Chores went quickly and meals and activities were shared at varying levels of excitement. We, of course, couldn't all agree on things to do and made concessions. It was a good exercise in learning to live together.
Sexual tensions/energy did run through the weekend but activity was at an all time low which -I- think added to the success in minimizing the drama level. I'm not a big advocate for large group sexual forrays when all the people have to stay in the same place. It seems to complicate things to a level that is just somewhat unmanagable.
I heard a lot of talk about people feeling "needy" over the weekend and it's funny because I remember feeling like that and I know that I am needy a lot too when there's a lot of people around but I don't really think about it too much anymore, usually unless He's already spending needed time with another of the girls I'll just go to Him and spend some quiet time with Him and then I'll feel better enough to go on with my day happily. He's good like that.
The other girls often worry about their neediness too much in my opinion. Being needy isn't a bad quality, it's a human quality, an instinctual quality, and pretty much a carnal "need". Humans are pack animals. He and i happen to attract feline quality people as well which basically qualifies us as a pack and pack animals need each other as a group as well as enjoying their own personal forrays once in a while. Neediness isn't a bad quality at all. It only seems selfish but what's so wrong with being selfish once in a while? I can tell you, because it took me a long time to learn... NOTHING. I wish by just saying that I could save them the time to learn it, but... that is a lesson we all have to realize on our own, until such time as selfishness is an accepted quality within ourselves it just appears of fruitless words on a page. So I just wasted a few valuable keystrokes ;)
I have to say though, having that many people around tends to make for quite and ecclectic weekend in the conversation sense. We're all so different. We all bring something different to the table, a different knowledge base, different likes and dislikes, different types of behaviors, etc. Conversations are as varied as the minute-by-minute weather here in New England and it expands the horizons a bit every time we embark on another conversation. I hope all of the others see each conversation as a learning experience because it is. There are definately subjects we each have no interest in but it does always provide for a deeper knowledge base into parts of the world we don't normally deal with, which is nice. Knowledge is indeed power and even as a submissive/bottom/slave you need knowledge to get you to where ever it is you want to go and the wider your knowledge base the more versatile you become. It's a spectacular trade-off for me since I love to learn things and learning new things opens up the numbers of people I can communicate with given that my knowledge base has increased.
And we all know how much Tara likes people!
The funny this about my horoscope is that I could be concentrating on the individual relationship I have with everyone in "the house" but right now, not just because of my horoscope, it just doesn't seem important to concentrate on each individual exclusively. And the questions and general issues/subjects are indeed complex because of the family structure we've grown and because of the varied nature of all the members of the family.
We have proven that we can function together as a family. We're still learning to grow but we successfully came out of a weekend unscathed. That doesn't mean that there aren't question about how the entire structure works. For some it becomes amazingly important when discussing rank. For others, doesn't really matter too much. Actually I think we have the entire spectrum in regards to that subject. Which, to me, is really interesting.
For me though, the only "bad" thing about the weekend (in quotes because it's not really a bad thing at all, just par for the course in such a small apartment) was the lack of personal time for each of us individually. Most of us are capable of sneaking away for a few minutes of sanity but it's difficult in such a tiny place to get any real quality time. That's where I got to thinking about how it would differ if we lived in a bigger place or, goodness forbid, a real house with more space. At least we wouldn't be on top of each other near constantly.
I value having my own space or "quiet space" so that I can think and do things for myself. I know that most everyone else is exactly the same in that regards. Having personal space is important for each of us as individuals and sometimes we need it more than others.
So that led me down the "time to dream" path and thinking about what would be the "ideal situation" if/when we own a house. For me it would be ideal if we each had our own bedrooms because that would provide privacy and a space of our own. Even big cats enjoy having their own small area to call their own when they need to unwind. It would also be ideal to have quiet areas like a library or den without computers but definately with things like books and desks so that there could be a quiet place to read or work when necessary. Another room for computers, and likely if we ever do run a house we may as well invest in a server or start buying in bulk lots because we'll need a fair amount of computers... or, a set amount of computers in said computer room and some in our private bedrooms... though, to me, that would vary and would probably be treated as a reward and not necessarily a right.
So for our current family size, hypothetically speaking, in my mind we'd need a five/six bedroom house (always leave an extra just in case) with a library, a computer room, a BIG kitchen, dining room, either large basement or attic or attached livable structure (gee what would we use that for?) a big yard, and a big driveway. Living room is a given... and well, generally speaking, we may as well just move to Newton or Wellesley now because we're nearly talking a mansion anyway!
(alright girls rally to make a TON of money because we're going to need it ;) )
heh heh... I need to stop bringing people home! hehehe. And andrea makes a good point... what is it with me and out of staters? Although Kristy is now a masshole and H will be soon enough, andrea is working towards it as well so... interestingly enough, it might not be a problem all that long potentially.
Of course there always is a darker side to even the most successful weekends. The back plane of the human mind is always creating or presenting some sort of issues with which to baffle and frustrate us. I have to say that, for me, this was a decent enough weekend that my jealousy bone seemed to be on vacation, my frustration level never reached maximum capacity, temper seemed to be unduly in check, and other than last night's sleeping arrangement confusion, everything seemed to go rather well in that we sort of just worked together to get everything accomplished in an expeditious and relatively democratic sort of way. Last night was only frustrating because the first time around no one cared, then when I found a simple way to alleviate the issue that's when people started having preferences. IT'S NOT A BAD THING TO VOICE PREFERENCES!! Makes decision-making at 11PM a much more simpler process.
*** Note to self: Have to find a creative way to reinforce with H that she apologizes too much. ***
Outside of me there was also some backplane olympics going on. It was an up and down weekend for H, which is to be expected. Sometimes you can see how lost and innerly afraid (on a soul level) she is about her impending departure from Boston, how she speaks of it never really touches upon what I can see inside of her. She's a reservist... saves most of the misery for herself to wallow through... funny, I know that tactic. She's getting better every day though. Perhaps the most profound statement this weekend was "I'll try to tell you more often about how I'm feeling. I'll always tell you when I cry." When is good. Why is more important, and identifying why is the more difficult part. Journaling is good for that and I hope she realizes that. I hope, also that she realizes my email box and His too are always open. She is important to us, and it is especially important for me right now to be there for her when she needs me.
Kristy *sighs* Sometimes I'm at a loss here because I can never know if I'm here or there with her. She holds a lot in. Guards herself early and often and then sometimes I see the world behind her eyes when she least expects it and sometimes when she wants me to. I can't say that I understand her completely but then again, I know that she thinks about the same of me sometimes too. We never had the talk that she requested this weekend but she reminded me before bed last night that she hadn't forgotten but was just too tired at that point. As was I, so I was okay with that. She and I are incredibly poor at having conversations sometimes. Especially the meaningful ones. It reminds me somewhat of my relationship with Jenny because Jenny and I often had the same problem. Perhaps if we had not, things would not have ended quite in the way that they had. I'm conscious of that with Kristy though and I try to keep her close even when she feels far away so that I can express to her what I'm thinking even when she's not ready to express with me. I'm somewhat terrible at it with her, and I'm not certain why. I think it's just how we mix sometimes. I'm trying to work on it though. I hope she'll keep working at it too but right now it's important that she settle into her new place and new job and start to begin her life all over again, because that's what we do when we move someplace new. It will be a trying time for her on some levels, and I hope she knows we'll be there for her whenever she needs us. I hope she uses that.
I was quite impressed with andrea this weekend overall as well. A minor attitude flare up was quickly resolved by some Daddy time and after that she was just as she was before that day. I think that so much of the flare ups this weekend in all of us had to do with sleep patterns over the weekend. In large crowds we hardly ever manage to sleep enough because there's always so much going on that we end up staying up late and getting up early... again, another reason it would be better to live in a larger area where personal space can be cherished. She's doing so much better though and it seems to me as if she enjoys the time spent with all of her "sisters" as well as time spent with just us. Obviously there will always be a preference to alone time over group time (well, maybe not ALWAYS but...) but she has mitigated it well. She also did chores without complaint and was well behaved most of the weekend :) A good weekend for her :) I didn't get to talk to her enough to know her extensive feelings so I'm hoping she journals or writes me an email or something so I can know. She's concerned about her assignment but I suspect that she'll figure it out. While she has to do the majority of it on her own at least she's been given avenues of assistance to pursue as well. I'm also proud of her in respect to being asked to go home a day earlier than usual. No complaints, no grumbling, no sulking, nothing. *smiles*
The others are noticing those changes too, which I'm sure will make her smile. I just hope she keeps in mind that some progress doesn't mean monumental progress and that she has to keep aware and keep working hard towards the person she wants to be. She's getting better at this too, sometimes though, she still forgets. Then again, we all do.
We registered for BR this weekend :) YAY! H has applied for BR membership and will be making the trip with us as I'm sure Kristy will too, money and job allowing. I'm excited this year because of the move of venue and our newly formed member status that gives us rights to the host hotel suites :) YAY!
EH is rapidly approaching as well which is also fabulous. I'm hoping that it comes off without a hitch this year for the sake of both ALUR and the attendees. Last year was fun but the presence of the owner and his grandchildren put a definite damper on the outdoor activities that had been promised to us. Sounds to me like they've gotten a better location, I can't wait to find out.
I'm still skeptical about the "Gorean Tavern" they're advertising... *sighs* I can't help but be skeptical because of the experiences I've had with others who claim to be "real life Gorean lifestylers"... but I am trying to keep an open mind and working with H on an assignment will provide me with a much needed review and preparation for what will probably end up being a venture into the Tavern at some point during that weekend. hehe... Master with His three girls... such a lucky band of girls He has!
Just one missing from that family trip but it's definately understandable given that she just moved up here and needs to settle into her job before taking time off.
I'm getting tired of typing. Probably because my stupid Lotus Notes mail notification window keeps popping up and disturbing me and my head has emptied enough to be completely distracted by such things. I need to encourage people to write more often. If not on here in pulic then somewhere where they feel comfortable sharing it with me/Us... feelings all around are at a high and it is, in my honest opinion and experience, of utmost importance to capture those things. Not so that you're required to share with everyone, but instead for yourself for the future. There is so much that I wish I had captured back in the days when I was growing and learning at a rapid rate. So much that I wish I had to share and use to reflect upon myself.
Journaling is important for self-growth and continued self-growth in the future. Plus, its a good milestone counter when you need to go back and look at the things you have accomplished over a certain time period.
I think we should all keep better journals...
but alas, we don't often -make- the time that we should...
us lazy Americans :)
On with the day!
