10:16 p.m. - 2003-03-27
friends and fowl?
i started writing to my high school best friends tonight. we still talk, very rarely do we manage to get together but i still love them terribly and wish i could see them more often. Sammer and i have gotten and stayed a lot closer. i think that happened along the way during high school after the Paul fiasco, but it matters not because she's my bud and i love her.
months ago i had bought a journal. the quote inside makes me think of my friends and how important they are to me. they're different from anyone i know now, and no matter how much i like someone now and how much we get along i have a feeling it will never quite be like the feelings i have for those two friends i've had since... well, one in the fifth grade, the other in 8/9th. i've decided that it definatley must have something to do with growing up together and putting up with each other's shit.
perhaps it also has to do with sharing each other's pain growing up in that subtle, unspoken way. i'm not sure, but i'm not about to question their importance in my life. while it doesn't even begin to belittle the new relationships it just exists on a different level. i don't want people getting all paranoid that they're being replaced by my long-time friends... no dice, you're all stuck with me.
reflective about them lately probably for a few reasons. Sammer keeps pestering me about when we're going to get together and truly, i'd love to see her again and spend time with her. With Jamie, she's in the process of finishing up purchasing the house with Mike and they just always seem busy so it's tough to get with her. she doesn't have email and so... she's kind of way distant. that doesn't seem to belittle the way i love her. and not that i like to rank them but somehow i think i'd more enjoy my time spent with Sammer alone than the time spent with Jamie... but i wonder if that's an outcome of the fact that Sammer and i 'talk' more through emails and IMs and such... or that she and i have a longer and somewhat deeper history as friends (being as she is the one who turned me into the outgoing, social bug that i am today in the 5th grade!)
i think my impending 10 year reunion next year has me thinking more about high school in general and that's probably where a lot of this springs from. i'm sort of hoping that Ryan doesn't end up getting shorted this year and also that we have a better plan this year for a reunion because the 5th year one was pretty lame. though it's always interesting to see what people are doing... gossip, sometimes, is just too much fun and Sammer and i... we're good about sharing dish on our fellow classmates.
she just told me this week that at least two of the people she used to hang out with from our class are scheduled to be shipped over to Iraq in the next few weeks. that's sort of scary. especially since that leads me to think about 9/11 and the fact that we lost another classmate, Carrie, in that. i don't like being 27 and already having to total up the death in our graduating class to anything over 0. i believe the count, as far as i know it is already 2. one basically made road pizza of himself on his motorcycle and, as stated, Carrie was lost in the 9/11 attacks. i wish Shawn and Mark a safe journey into and out of Iraq. i hope to see them next year at the reunion... even if we were never the best of friends.
i can't believe i'm writing this late... just not too long ago i was thinking about how tired i am. i'm still tired but somehow have found a raging part of my brain that feels like emptying and so... here i am.
i put one of my photos in the art show at the club :) i was petrified that i'd get a terrible spot and yet, i ended up with perhaps the best spot in the whole gallery. i'm psyched. i don't think people believe me when i tell them that it means more to me just to see my art on the wall for display more than winning the pageant would. yeah, it's always nice to win things and i certainly wouldn't be upset about it but just being able to stand back and watch someone standing in front of the picture and enjoying it sends shivers through me. the same way it did when i had art in the shows at Worcester Art Museum when i was in high school. i guess it's part of sharing myself with the world.
there's still a lot in my head. things that i want to talk about but can't seem to grasp onto long enough to get them out into words. perhaps i'm just not completely sure what i want to say about the varying topics... perhaps i'm just not ready or perhaps there's more of this seemingly 'superficial' type of stuff in the way. not that journaling the standard brain waves is unimportant but i guess i'm just a glutton for digging straight for the middle and expecting no road blocks. i don't even see myself as hitting road blocks and honestly, not even as if i were stalling but instead, i think i just loose my track of thought and go off on a separate tangent which makes something, for the time being, seem less important than it was just a second before... such is the brain without a purpose i suppose. writing it for me to dump stuff out... and i guess the things on the top just come out better naturally ;)
did i mention that there's a sun conure at the pet store in the mall (i hate that pet store now because they've changed the kennels for the puppies and they can't play with each other any more like they used to) he was cute and we were trying to get him to step up and instead he decided to make a meal of my fingernail... he nearly pierced it!
birds are amazing... i still want one... He says we should wait until we have better living accomodations. i can't argue with that. i'm still debating, giving that decision, whether or not to go to the bird store with Kirsten... i think it would be fun though, so i probably will at some point... i should ask her when she's going next... hehe... go see the birdies!
alright.. it's definately bed time.
good night world.
