8:02 a.m. - 2003-03-27
it feels like it's been a dog's age!
...though I can't say that I completely understand that phrase at all... does that mean it's been nearly a year but it feels like seven? (or any fraction of that there of)
Anyway. I've been busy lately in the mornings with work. people have been causing issues and dragging me into and making me undo things they asked for because they're morons and don't know how to follow process to make sure that they don't screw up everyone else's projects with their changes. I swear (and trust me, I did a lot).
Otherwise though, my brain activity has been high contemplating a number of different areas in my life. It's funny how something as slight as a questionaire in a profile can make you think about things like "family" or how you spend your time and other randomness. The war has made me a political debatress... which I'm not sure that I like. I'm not pro- or anti-war but dancing somewhere in the middle. Most people find my thoughts on the whole thing somewhat disturbing but that doesn't surprise me either. Most people find a lot of my thoughts about traditional things pretty disturbing. I guess it's just fun to be me.
Registered for LR last week and I'm excited. Can't wait to get away from here and just be in the middle of nowhere at a camp where I'll be able to sit outside and see the stars. Also looking forward to being surrounded by trees and the woods and such too... It's been a while and I grew up in that sort of environment so I'm looking forward to that on a few different levels of consciousness I think. And... well, scening is ALWAYS a plus ;)
Philosophizing a lot about life, family, movement, changing. Prompted even more by all kinds of recent posts I've been reading. I think about where I came from in my life and my passage to where I am now. Not just on a D/s level but on a personal and spiritual and, well, just about every level. I'm honestly surprised my friends even recognize me anymore. My brain is so different. I'm so different.
But I don't love them any less. And perhaps, I love them more for still being there. I'm glad I have them.
It's odd standing where I am now looking at other people who are making life journey's. I have mixed thoughts about how much I should be involved in those journeys but I don't falter on the idea that I should be there at least as a silent party until they need me. My philosophy on life's lessons is that though we don't travel alone, we never learn the full lesson until we learn it on our own, by our own mistakes, by our own decisions. There's flaws with that, since everyone isn't like me, and I recognize that so I just try to be supportive as I can and still not try to give away some of the answers. Of course, my answers to things aren't truly suitable for everyone else. I am me, they... you... are you. I guess said more simply as "we're just different".
Perhaps my solitariness lately has led me to think a lot more. I should start carrying my laptop again now that the weather is better... once it warms up a little more (and dries out) I think I'll enjoy getting away from the mess in here and going outside for a little while. I'm hoping I can teach myself to do that... I'm not good at breaking from my work in the middle of the day.
It seems lately that time is just speeding on by. Even when I'm bored the hours seem to whistle past me at some breakneck speed... where does all that time go? Sometimes I wonder, when I'm all alone, if sometimes I space out without even realizing it... lost in some profound collection of thoughts or day dreams. Either that or I'm just going about the things I have to do in an automatic manner and just don't realize the time going by. Sometimes it seems like I have a lot of time, sometimes none at all. Time is a strange creature.
And concerned thoughts for another friend lately. One whom I can't understand for the life of me. One so blinded by her wants that she isn't seeing the reality of things. She doesn't even really care for the guy in her heart but yet she's somehow willing to risk everything, her life included just to be able to serve someone. She doesn't understand, but she does at least have a driving force. I just wished she'd take a step back and assess the situation for her safety and such first. He's lied to her... blatantly. He's beaten her in the "not good hurt" way for reasons that were not justified by any standards of D/s. He claims to be one thing but doesn't uphold the values and traditions of that declaration. He's dangerous and I'm concerned for her. She doesn't realize she's moving too fast. She doesn't realize that she's going to get into things that will be way over her head. She doesn't think.... and that makes me so nervous for her. But I cannot hold her down, she is not mine, and honestly, not even the closest of friends... I'm just concerned for her as a person but it gets sort of personal when you hear the stories that she's telling. It's not D/s... It's abuse... and I wish she would realize that in her frontal lobe and let go of the idea that she's serving some better purpose and that if she "behaves more" he won't hit her anymore.... *sighs* I went through training in high school for handling these situations... and in high school, it had nothing to do with BDSM.
I don't know... I guess we shall see. I just hope she knows we'll come and get her if she needs us to. I guess we'll see.
Unfortunately, I'm somewhat out of time for this morning. Work keeps peeling me away, as it is prone to do and I have so much more to write. Maybe I'll do some writing tonight if the mood strikes... though usually by the end of the day, I'm pretty brain dead.
I guess we'll see...
