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7:33 a.m. - 2005-06-03
Thinking and growing
I just looked up at my calendar I have hanging on my wall in my cube and noticed this month's quote...

"Thinking is the very essence of wisdom. It challenges us constantly so we can pursue our dreams."

This seems to be somewhat of a theme lately, probably not to the positive to everyone though.

I have kind of learned to hate times like this. I've spent so many hours trying to explain to people that the best way to be heard and understood is to actually suck it up and start talking to people and be gut-wrenchingly honest. Still I find that it's not possible for everyone and I'm left wondering who I can and cannot trust when it comes to details of the stories. Thankfully, for the most part, it's not really my business other than in the ways it interfaces with my life which isn't a whole lot.

It's a strange time in my head right now. Jenny has mentioned me twice in her journal in the last 30 days and, like any good train wreck (not saying that Jenny or her life are a train wreck, just likening my curiosity to that of a person at a bad scene... no, I'm just not saving myself here... I don't mean this negatively even though it sounds that way), I keep getting drawn into her journal even though it may as well be that of a perfect stranger. How the years and situations change us all...

It's a morbid but not unhealthy curiosity that keeps me going back to her journal. I suppose part of me needs to know that she's happy but the other part of me, the still "disgruntled" part of me, waits to see what falls out of her head and into a journal when it's obvious I'm on her mind for some reason. I guess I too am still seeking the right words. I suppose part of me wants to understand the half shaded explanation given but the other part of me keeps saying, "There were probably close to a million better ways..." And so, we remain in limbo. I almost emailed her this week but I found, as usual, that I had nothing to say. It's funny how that happens.

I've made the recent revelation that I am probably still in love with that Jenny that I knew and not the Jenny that lives now. Like any other "first" relationship, it probably just kind of sticks to me in that she was special to me, not just because she was my first girlfriend but because we had what I thought of as a really good friendship too even if it was hampered by the normal growing issues of a newly formed poly relationship. Even though I can think of a whole lot of ways that she could have accomplished her supposed "goal", I can say that I know what it's like to feel trap and act out without comtemplating all the consequences. Such is life and our decisions will sometimes come with negative results that we just have to accept and move on. I've been there.

It's funny how it's fairly easy to talk to myself about these things but not so much with other people. I don't really speak of this stuff much. It hardly ever comes up in face to face conversations in the house and I wouldn't want to force it in just to get it out of my head. I'm still not sure I'm finished thinking it through but on my way to some other point, I seem to have gotten sidetracked by the thoughts and thus... they make their appearance. It seems odd that after all these years we are both still playing this non-communication communication game... maybe we were just meant to talk this way... Maybe it's just easier than having the one-on-one that we never seem to have. Maybe it's easier because at this stage, we're just talking to ourselves and the details slip out. Maybe, equally, it's our excuse for not talking and our way of balancing out when things catch up with us in our heads.

on to other things...

I am definately almost completely down from my camp high. reality settles in at an unsettling rate sometimes, though it's forced me to reevaluate my position here at work and I've decided to again pursue another position somewhere else. The promises made to me during negotiations are, not unexpectedly, empty promises once again and now this place is starting to become a policing area in regards to time and vacation time and even sick time which was never even a consideration before. While I'm not particularly worried about it all myself, I'm thoroughly disgusted by the apparent lack of trust in their employees. There are ways of tracking these things without blatant obvious measures being taken as if to threaten us with the fact that they can hang the hours over our heads like dark thunder clouds. It's frustrating and it's sort of equal to the feeling that was in CSC about the time the first set of layoffs started.

While I don't think that layoffs are impending here, I still don't like it when I company seems to vehement on displaying their distrust of their employees. My opinion is, if you don't trust some employees, track them, don't track the masses. It's easy enough in these highly political, embedded hierarchal arrangements to find out what you need to know about certain people without them ever really knowing, why punish the rest of us who bust our asses every day to get the job done?

We're still understaffed in the DBA team, and it's starting to hurt more and show more. Plus, I'm watching as all these other really great people pack up and leave here... sooooo many good IT people just gone. Three this week. Three of the BEST in my opinion. It's getting scary.

I'm not prejudice but I can't help but notice the intense increase in Indian consultants around here either. Yes, I know outsourcing (excuse me, "hiring third party contractors" as the company likes us to put it) is a priority but don't you think it would be more cost effective to see who it's working for and who it's not instead of hiring hundreds of people in a far away land to have them get paid for sitting on their hands?

I've supposed had a DB2 guy in India for well over three months now... I've received one email from him and never once has Amar told me what this guy is doing and, in fact, when I asked him, he wasn't even really sure... does this seem illogical to anyone else? My MANAGER doesnt' even know what the guys he hired in India are DOING?!

I have dish with Amar anyway. He and I can never talk about policy without a middle man because no matter what I suggest he has to argue that it's not a good way to do it, even though I'm the one who's been diong DB2 exclusively here for nearly 4 years without very many flawed errors on my record... really makes me feel valuable. Additionally, he and I were supposed to get together once a week to discuss any DB2 projects going on or coming up and make sure that they were adequately staffed and scheduled. ALSO, there was supposed to be a bi-weekly team meeting so that we could all get on the same page... yeah, that hasn't happened either.

Honestly, I hate him as a manager. He's a brilliant technical person but as a manager he really does suck. I almost think that someone without any DB knowledge but with an open mind and a good ability to learn quickly could do a much better job.

Empty promises.... this place is filled with them and I've had it up to my eyeballs with it all.

So we'll have a new roommate starting tonight. I'm still trying to figure out how to process all of this. I find it interesting that not once has V tried to talk to me about it all but instead has chosen a rather sudden group of friends. I'm glad that she has people to reach out to, I just wish she'd share what is in her head with me as we had a fairly good line of communication going for the past twelve weeks. It makes me even more curious about what's in her head.

I know the kinds of choices that were made. I've been there before... it's not a fun time on either end of the battle. The best thing I can do is continue to make myself available to both of them and hope that they realize that I don't pick sides. It's not my battle, not my life choice. I've already made my choices... a few times in life. Someday there will be more.

I don't know why I'm compelled to write so much today. I'm certainly not complaining because once my brain feels empty that means I can go on with my day in a probably more productive manner. To think that all this started because of a quote.

I like that quote so much I just may have to add it to my signature on my yahoo mail.

I suppose I should get moving on my day... things to do, job listings to read ;)


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