8:22 a.m. - 2005-05-10
stark raving lunatic... yeah, that's me.
I'm highly agitated today.
I've discovered that there are some things that I'm irritated about more than I even knew. Some work stuff came out this morning that I didn't know I was hiding. Interesting.
I think, around here, I bottle things up because it's not worth complaining about anymore. No one is listening anyway so I just keep doing my job to the best of my ability and when the shit hits the fan I, in my head, think "I told them so..." and keep moving. It's drone-like and I really hate it but I'm making the cash, I'm here until we move more than likely so I'm biting my lip regardless of how contrary to my person that is.
But this morning. I read the riot act to Don on what I think about the ebzone project and the continued bad decisions being made with that project just to "get it done". And point blank I nailed him with "... and once it's up and running, Barry's going to decide he doesn't want to work with IQ anymore and that shit is going to get dumped on me and I'm going to be putting in more than 80 hours a week just trying to clean up the mess that they have made." And what's even worse about that statement is that any developers that get assigned to this project will likely be putting in over 100 per week trying to clean up the heinous piece of crap code that these folks are putting together.
Somehow this is acceptable... even though we're already millions in the hole because of IQ, we're going to go a few more million in the hole to try and fix their mistakes. Acceptable? HARDLY. And what's even worse is all the time I and my team put in on the project won't mean SHIT when bonus time comes around because we're "controlled by our parent" and, quite frankly, the divisional CIO we happen to fall under could give less than a rat's ass about us down here in infrastructure but instead pads the teams and pockets of the developers.... yeah, really fair.
I was unsettlingly a calm angry on the way in. I recognized it this morning that there's something brewing in me when I realized that while I'm not raging... I'm definately swearing at the other drivers on the road again. Now... this isn't terribly uncommon with the idiots that drive on 24 but I noticed this morning that there are smaller things that I'm getting ticked off about... feeling that 75 is too slow is a little much, even for me. I wasn't even behind schedule this morning.. somehow I was ahead of schedule even but still, I was getting royally irritated with the guy in front of me because he wouldn't GO and keep up with the guy in front of him nor did he see fit to move over into the middle lane... anyway, no one was killed, I made it to work incident free this morning (a rare occassion lately.. I swear all the morons are out trying to thin the gene pool lately).
Then lately, at home, I'm being told I'm acting all weird and junk... well, been looking at that too but am continually irritated by the fact that somehow it seems okay that everyone else is acting differently lately but I get pegged for it continually and I end up feeling like it's not okay to just be more quiet and stay out of things a little more. Yeah, definately not in my character to be like that and yeah, definately been more of that lately than ever before but still... why is it not okay for me to do it? Obviously I'm not finding out any of the issues by surrounding myself with everyone so I do what comes natural and try to back off and do some thinking but there's never any time (which, I fear, will now be interpretted as a whine or complaint of some sort and blown terrbily out of proportion.)
I have a TON of resentment issues right now that I need to work through and there's not a single person on this planet that can help me with that. I need to identify them and work through them and then talk to the people i need to talk to... >I< need to know what's going on in my head before I go shooting at the hip and bringing this stuff up.
Goddamnit I hate making myself cry at work.
Stupid shitty period.
I can't wait until vacation. I can't wait get away from this place, from this state and from all the things that we do every week that fill my days and make no time for coherent thinking. I'm exhausting myself on a daily basis no matter what's going on and I'm just not sure how that's happening. I've taken an inventory of my days... in fact, I've been so obsessive about it that I've got almost all my time spent awake in a day down to a given moment. I know when I'm "wasting" time, I know when I'm doing things during times I'd rather be doing other things. I've been paying special attention not to forget anything but still things are sliding out from under me on that one... still I'm forgetting things... still things are not getting done.
I guess I am left feeling somewhat overwhelmed but that is not uncustomary for this part of the month... always at this part of the month... I could plan to make sure that things get to a certain point before this time every month but, honestly, I know I'll only make myself even more disappointed in myself because it won't get done.
I don't want to be forced to do things anymore. I don't want to be told I "should" be doing things that I know damn well I should be doing. I don't want to continually feel like I'm going crazy because OTHER people aren't listening to what they're saying and what's not being said out loud. I don't want to be continually told I'm wrong about things I remember as clear as day because I've dedicated every ounce of my strength to remembering things that come from certain people so that I can cover my ass in the end but somehow I'm almost always told that >I< remember it wrong. I don't want to be the only one that "seems off" lately because I'M NOT.
I want to stop making myself cry at work. today, especially, it could be embarassing. But at the same time, I DON'T want to stop writing and getting all this bullshit out of my head because I'm sick of carrying it.
I'm sick of carrying all kinds of thoughts about heather because I'm afraid to cause a conflict... funny, I've been down this road before and it pretty much got me screwed and lost me a relationship I treasured a lot... one that still isn't right and probably never will be right ever again... one that I think about nearly every day and wonder where the hell it went to and why people have to be so goddamned obstinate about saying they are GENUINELY sorry that they both betrayed me and made their own decisions about the things they read without even ASKING me about them... that's what people do... they ask... they don't point fingers and turn their backs...
That's what I've been trying so hard to do with this relationship and the one with Andrea as well but continually it keeps turning out the same. Be honest, your fucked. Keep it to yourself until it comes out later somehow, your fucked. Or perhaps that's just how it works for me.. though I severely doubt that... I've been trolling diaries lately and it seems to be a trend among bloggers ... ha... I made myself smile.
Lately, Tara can never be right. Okay, never is a strong word for the blanket statment... How about, Lately it seems that Tara is hardly ever right. That what Tara says should be taken as rantings from someone who's obviously having issues. Tara's a "space case" lately... can't be believing that she heard someone say this because clearly I remember that person saying that instead....
I wish someone would tell me when I became such an unreliable source because I'm out here still busting my ass like I always have to keep up and be the best I can be but somehow the level I have to reach to keep everyone happy keeps moving around so that I just BARELY miss it every time.
If I keep this up I'll be excusing myself to the bathroom... thankfully people around here know I have allergies and don't tend to ask too many questions when they hear you blowing your nose and rubbing your eyes... I'm glad people are ignorant and like to keep to themselves sometimes. It saves me the misery of explaining away how writing in my journal drives me to this point... ha... it's funny how our separation from everyone (as a societal norm) is both annoying and comforting at the same time.
I want to know when I stopped being good enough.
I guess i want to know when I stopped being "good".
I feel no less apt to perform any of my duties at work or home than I did a year ago and yet somehow I'm the one who's falling apart. The one who is "different"...
I'm different because, apparently, I'm angry about some stuff and it's been so long since I've been angry (like this) about anything that I'm just not handling it well. So, being the independant, self-starter that I tend to be I've taken the initiative to figure it out and get through it and I've apparently been unwittingly provoked to surface it all by my poor big boss who just came over to tell me about all this other stuff that's going on....
Conduits to emotion come from unlikely sources.
And so, now, instead of actually doing the work I should be doing I'm here emptying my head at a dizzying rate. So much so that I've had to stop twice, not counting the tear wiping and nose blowing, just to collect myself so that I don't start writing in just random words.
I may not be grammatically correct when I'm in these moods but at least I can create sentances that I'll understand later.
Huh... I just had a flash thought... I don't have my own space anymore... I, who wants one, doesn't have one. Nothing that is mine. No place to go and do things that I want to do without too much interruption... Heather has her room but doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that she can just run away when she needs to or even wants to. I have "my room" which is empty most of the time but if I sneak off I'm usually questioned about why which just makes it not worth it because if I explain that I just wanted some time by myself for a little while I get quizzed about why I want that.. what's on my mind... what do I want to do without everyone else... why don't I want to be in the same room with everyone else... is there something I need to talk about?
At the same time I'm equally as annoyed about heather asking him to do to Hero Clix on monday and them going off to do that but that's stupid to be annoyed about (my opinion, not anyone else's at least to the best of my knowledge) because she deserves the time but lately I've been feeling needy and not finding that it's being filled by the few minutes and hours that I do get to spend with him in a day beacuse there's always something else to do than just spend time with Tara. Ha... I get my wish for me time and I"m freaking out about it... funny that. I can't win, even with myself. The time I get with him lately is filled with planning for MK, Jay and Vanessa, the upcoming weekends, getting everything straight and settled... going through the laundry list of things we have to do and get organized so that our lives flow relatively freely but still... I get accused of treating Him like an idiot because I try to do my job of making sure that we've got the schedule straight.
I'm finding that the more I try to get back into that headspace that he and I keep talking about that I'm getting in "trouble" more and more frequently. So I'm left feeling like I can't get there because he gets so critical of me, like I'm doing something completely and totally wrong but he never really comes out and tells me... it always seems to be a symptom but never a diagnosis.
MAYBE I JUST NEED SOME PERSONAL TIME. MAYBE I JUST NEED SOME QUALITY TIME BETWEEN US TO MAKE IT HAPPEN AGAIN. MAYBE I JUST NEED SOME UNDERSTANDING.
Maybe, just maybe, it's not ME at all.
maybe I'm just not as goddamned perfect as people like to think of me as.
Maybe I'm sick of being the one that is always talking, adding my opinion where I'm told I should and being ignored or dismissed.
I'm definately sick of speaking with people and watching it go in one ear and out the other with no recognition of the fact that i've just shared exactly what's bothering me with those people but they listen but don't hear. That's happening everywhere lately and I've had it up to my eyebrows with that so I keep my damn mouth shut because it's not worth talking if no one is going to listen and try to work with it.
I'm going for a walk.
My head is throbbing. I suppose that's better than nothing... at least it means I'm thinking... or maybe not thinking so much as emptying... flexing those brain cells as stuff rises to the surface.
I'm throwing rocks out of my canoe.... some people will get that, some won't...
The sad part is that I don't feel empty yet. I feel "better" but not empty... and writing doesn't resolve anything... in fact I'm almost willing to bet that it will just complicate things further because I'm not going back to read all that I wrote before my little walk, and since I don't really remember everything that came off my fingertips, I'm certain there's probably some things in there that came off a lot more harsh than I would normally present them... and there's probably even more that are completely incomplete thoughts. I know I'm switching gears at a high rate today. It at least gives me the confidence that my brain isn't failing me despite how I've felt lately.
I've been writing for an hour... MS Word says that's 4 pages of words. 2,332 words up to "I'm going for a walk."
It seems so insignificant. It doesn't seem like enough.
It never seems like enough lately...
I need to find a damn plumber. Jerks never get back to you when you call and leave them a message. I'm just going to keep calling until I actually talk to a plumber... not an answering service, not a machine, a real true plumber. These things should not be this difficult to accomplish. I hate irresponsible people. I understand that you can't get to everyone right away but it would be at least polite to let people know you're booked.
Hey, I can't control the world... so I'll let it go and take my business elsewhere.
Part of me is almost afraid to fix that... because I'm wondering what's next. It's always something in that place. I love homeownership.
I've got work to do. Enough babble, useful or not.
