11:54 a.m. - 2003-02-11
this week on As the World Goes Crazy...
my boots look horrendous... someone needs to fix them....
so let's start with the crappiness in my head today. I talked to my mom this morning, she had called my dad last night to tell him she had divorce papers for him to sign. he, of course, was an uber-asshole about it and starts with the fact that he thinks he's entitled to half the house, which is crap since he hardly ever did all that much to help out with the house unless we hounded him or unless he saw it as necessary because it affected HIS precious life. Not to mention the fact that the house itself is still in probate from 8 years ago when my mem died because there's some money owed that is holding the lein. Mem would have a FIT.
So my mom simply told him about the lein and how if he wants half he should be paying for half and yaddah yaddah. My dad continued to pitch a fit and my mom told him that was fine if he didn't want to sign what she has that she'd just file cruel and abusive papers instead. He apparently retorts with "I never hit you, you can't do that." Which of course is crap, and my mom told him that the emotional and mental damage he had caused would be more than enough� blah blah blah. Then he basically hung up on her, in true dad fashion.
Truth be known, I love my dad. However, that doesn't negate the fact that I think he's the biggest goddamned stubborn baby on the planet. Not to mention that after 3 years he still appears to be in denial that this could happen to him. AND still in denial about the fact that he has a MAJOR alcohol problem. Oy! My mom is concerned about me having to speak out against my dad if it comes to that in the divorce. I told her that I have no sympathy for his problems and that even though I love him that doesn't mean that I don't think they should be apart. Apart is better for her. As far as he goes, he just has to learn to grow up and take care of himself. Something he's been entirely crappy at as long as I can remember.
And while I�m on the subject of my mom, sometimes she can be the biggest downer for me on the planet. She was the woman who made my birthday every year like a fantastic event. She always made me feel so special and made a big deal out of it. Now for eight years I've dreaded my birthday. I hate talking to her around it, and there are definite parts of me that would much rather not answer the phone when I know it's her. That sucks. But the reason�
It's now been eight years since I last saw my mem. I'm sure I've told the story before but here goes again, just in case. It was the semester I was home from Umass and going to MWCC because I couldn't afford to stay at Umass for another semester. Mem (my grandmother for those who are French impaired) had had congestive heart failure and a stroke back in December and had nearly kicked the bucket on us but came back with a vengance once we shut off the life support machines� strange that. She had come back home to us in January.
It was my birthday, (which is this Thursday just so you all know) and I had to work (at the all famous Star market..yay) and I stopped by downstairs to see if Mem needed anything before I left. She had been making herself some lunch so I told her I'd take care of it and brought her the tomato soup, some crackers and her soda. I set up the TV table for her and everything. She chastised me for wearing my hair up because she liked it down, I looked prettier� yaddah yaddah.. that grandmotherly nitpicking kind of thing. Boy she'd love me now since I hardly ever wear it up!
I griped back at her telling her it was just easier, blah blah blah, and that I had to go, did she need anything else? She said no and I said good-bye to her, and she said, "I love you." I mumbled it back as I was walking out, frustrated that she had spent the last 5 minutes critiquing me. It hit me later that she had told me she loved me. For those of you who may understand the French, they're not normally the most expressive, loving people. So at the time I thought nothing of it rather than maybe her ordeal had changed her a little, made her softer (hardly the case, Mems was always tough as nails.)
I was only at work for a couple hours before my mom called and told me that they had found Mems between the table next to her bed and the wall. All attempts to resuscitate her had failed and she was gone. I was numb to it at this point. I think I had expected it on some level knowing that she could really go at anytime given her condition and the ordeal she had been through in December. I didn't cry. In fact, I didn't cry until her service, at which point I only shed a few tears. I suppose that I may have just been being strong for my mom, uncle and aunt but really, I have no idea why it just didn't seem to have a profound impact on me.
A few years later it hit me, and since then it's been hit and miss on how my moods are during my birthday every year. I finally went to the cemetery for the first time ever since she died last year. I hadn't been for years and years from when we used to go put flowers on Pepe's grave, perhaps since I was in junior high school, but she brought me right to the spot. Mems is good like that.
So anyway, this year my mom says to me the other day, " I really wish I could be happy on your birthday, but Mem made sure we wouldn't forget her. It's so tough for me around this time."
Needless to say, I was disgusted and pretty pissed off. Maybe that sounds selfish but follow my logic and reasoning here for a minute. I have enough problems dealing with the date itself and it's history myself than to have to worry about the well-being of my mom, which I do all the time, it's sort of an obsessive compulsive thing since she tends to wander into fits of depression regularly sometimes. All I could think about this last time when she said that was "But I'm still here! I'm still alive! This is still the anniversary of my birth! The day you brought me into this world! Don't I deserve to have a good day?!"
I felt immediately selfish in a bad way and then started to think about it more. While I understand that it's her mother that died, I still am disgruntled by the fact that I'm taking second place to a death. I miss her too but I can't bring her back! Then to top it off, I KNOW Mem would be PISSED that my mom is making such an ordeal of the anniversary of her death instead of celebrating my birthday. I guess I'm now stuck in the middle of feeling like a jerk for having this attitude about it and feeling justified about having the attitude problem.
Today she was better about the whole thing, my mom that is. She had a little lilt of excitement in her voice when talking about my birthday which I appreciated but still hated at the same time. It's a catch 22 all around. He says I should say something to her about how I feel. I know that it would crush her, and only make her worse. I can't do that. At least not at this point because in my head, I'm a big girl now and should just be able to handle it like it was any other day�
I guess that sometimes I just miss feeling as special as my parents once made me feel�
Growing up sucks.
On brighter horizons, I've turned my attention to my birthday and even though He has to work (which sucks entirely in my opinion) I don't want to sit at home alone and fester in the potential to get myself all further depressed. Besides, we get to spend the majority of Valentine's Day together :) So I figure maybe I'll sleep in with Him, then get up and showered and ready to go and go out and have my hair cut (finally after 3 years) and maybe get a manicure. Spoil myself a little.
Unfortunately I'm in such a mood lately that the following comment in my head to that last one is "someone has to" which would be a most unfair comment since He spoils me, I'm just extra-touchy about it lately because we haven't gotten to spend a good amount of unqualified time together just talking and being. Either He's preoccupied with school or work or I'm just off in the la-la land that's become my get-away from the world and everything in it. I hate this funk, is spring here yet?
Oh, and speaking of spring, even though I know I'm way off topic now, I've seen about a half dozen robins� the poor confused things. Don�t they realize it's still snowing like a wench up here? Hopefully they'll bring the good weather with them but so far, I've seen no evidence.
Anyway, I plan to make the best of what I can this weekend. Sleep would be nice, maybe I'll nap and be lazy for my birthday, who knows.
I'm just disgruntled a lot lately. Personal time is good. Quiet time, reflective time even better.
Forgive me, world, but for now, my socialite must spend exorbitant amounts of time sleeping. She'll return to her post soon.
And now, back to replication problems.
I love my job.
