8:28 a.m. - 2002-06-21
brain dump *proceed with caution*
i've been restless and distant-ish for a few days. not from just my journal but just as a person. most people who know me know that this isn't a common thing but it happens from time to time. He always associates it with something being on my mind that's bothering me, but i still contest that that is not always the case, even though some things -have- been on my mind but i have spoken of them to Him so they don't bother me -as- much anymore.
i think that mostly it's just me being me, me being exhausted, or me just feeling like i'm this way because i've been so busy and He's been a little scattered and distant too. and on top of everything, the fun isn't over yet because i have to go away without Him this weekend overnight even! and then again next Saturday, except just for the day then.
it's strange really... when i look at me now in perspective to where i was about a year, year and a half or so ago. (probably closer to two years now... if i think about the order of events in my life). back then i wanted nothing more than complete and total control over everything. i never wanted to have to stay in the house, i always wanted to be out and with other people rather than in and, for all intents and purposes during sports seasons... which by the way run all year round... alone. i guess that's why i used to spend so much time on the computer... which, in some ways can be blamed for the eventual downfall of that part of my life, but i see it more as an opening of me since that is the positive side, and the natural choice that i made.
and now... i am cared for. i am loved. i have someone who holds responsibility to and for me and holds that in the higest regard. i have someone that tells me i'm beautiful, even when i'm having an awful "fat day". i have someone who can make me smile just by telling me to (and razzing me about the fake smiles until He makes me laugh). just like writing about ownership though... it's difficult to put a wrapper or a proper description on the whole phenonmenon. it's difficult to tell anyone how it feels and what it means to me without feeling like i've left holes in my definition.
but i can keep trying, and perhaps someday i'll find an explanation that helps to clear up all of the issues surrounding where i am now and the people who feel spurned as well as help bring a better clarity to people who ask those questions of me.
i am down, for me. which makes me pensive. i think i just need to take a vacation and get -away- from here. away from home and away from work, someplace where relaxing is the only thing i -can- do. someplace that would otherwise qualify as boring if i had to go alone but can qualify as good spiritual and mental time for me and for Him as well. i think we both need an escape.
i have to plan that vacation... but it seems so far off. i want to ask for the 5th off... i have to remember to do that.
i am scattered. i keep realizing that i started a subject, got sidetracked and never went back... heh.. that NEVER happens with me... not EVER! ;)
forgive me as i loopback and forth and inside out of subjects... He will follow... heh... we talk like that ALL the time. i think it's something i learned from Him.
as a further aside i suppose it's almost a good thing that i'm in such a pensive mood because that makes for long entries which will hopefully make up for the past few days of -not- posting entries...
more on why i'm feeling blah. boredom. ennui! right now (though not for long) work is relatively stable and therefore necessarily boring. i've been reduced to documenting the most common practices which is basically about as fun as writing a piece on how to get food from your plate onto a fork and then into your mouth, chew, and swallow. whee... *crosses her eyes*
of course, it's all stuff that -i- know but that the other poor DBAs have little clue about because it's DB2 and they're Oracle folks and i'm getting all techy so i'll just leave that subject alone... anyway, bored Tara = restless Tara = Tara not wanting to be at work = Tara being terminally bored all day at work = tired/bored Tara when she gets home = a Tara that's pretty much no fun at all. it's strange how being bored can make someone so damn tired! it's not like i'm not sleeping well at night. for the most part i am, except the past two nights have seen me waking up every once in a while, which sucks but i think i'm always like that when my schedule is hectic. must be a mental thing. i should just teach myself to stay up 24-7 for three days straight or something (wouldn't THAT make for a bitchy Tara!?!?)
are your heads spinning yet?
i'm also writing at work which means intermittently (not all that often today) i stop and do some actual -work- stuff ;) have i mentioned that it's green pill week? that will mean nothing to some people but to others... they'll understand...
it's getting to that point in my day where my head starts to get all rattled and messed up. mostly, that part of my day where i cannot concentrate all that well on one (or a few) things at once. which is strange really because this is the time of day when i'm usually most productive. i think it's just all the distractions around me that tend to mess me up when i have very little to do (documentation is -not- holding my attention at all today... or any day at all recently for that matter).
i could be working on the new project that's coming but it's frustrating there too because it's mainframe to unix conversion and i know zero about mainframe stuff so i get to attempt to figure out how to match the two up again. whee.
i suppose i -should- work on that at some point since the CIO is in the email loop on that one... joyous... wish i had an etc though.
emotional rollercoaster. bleh.
i go now... other stuff distracting me... other -people-, good people, distracting me...
