8:18 a.m. - 2004-12-28
too much time to think?
this is one of those days where there's just too much to think about and too little to do. i think the post-holiday blues are settling in a little. i'm mostly probably just tired and still fighting the reality that yet another person who has influenced my life has passed.
i think people in my life are just destined to pass on days that make them absolutely positively memorable forever.
before i go on, i don't want the tone of this whole post to be all depressing and crap though it will probably look and feel that way. i'm tired and in light of everything going on i'm not in a terribly upbeat mood but i'm far from depressed. i've got too many good things going for me to be overly depressed.... though i have found myself wondering lately where the bottom of the shit pile is for me lately *smirk*
so when i was growing up the neighbors next door were kind of like surrogate grandparents. the gentleman was practically responsible for my passing math, which historically is not my strongest subject (though once i got how to do things i was usually pretty consistent at them.. unlike science... i always sucked at that and still do probably... HATE IT!). so i spent a lot of time there with him and his wife and i would play games in the yard over the summers when the days were long and there was little to do... ahh... those were the days. i'd kill for a week of that kind of time now-a-days.
well, the gentleman died on Christmas morning. my mom was there when he passed and so, it's especially difficult on her. he was like a father to her since her dad died when she was in the 5th grade. my mom, being somewhat irrational sometimes, keeps thinking that if she hadn't gone maybe he'd have lasted longer or at least through the holiday. i told her that was silly and that she should feel lucky that she got to say good-bye, a luxury she did not have with the passing of either of her parents. any of us should be so lucky as to be able to say good-bye to the people we love when they die.
so that was some bad news to get on Christmas morning. overall though, despite the sad news, Critmas was a great day! there were sooooooooo many present under the tree! it was simply amazing! i was practically buried in presents. i'm just not sure how i managed to make out like that. it was overwhelming, really... then there was the allergy attack from sitting too close to the tree for too long... ahh... i love my allergies!
i got lots of good presents, i'm not even going to start attempting to list everything there was just a TON of stuff.
i'm still trying to decide what my favorite present this year was. i don't know if i pick "favorite presents" i like them all equally because... well, they're ALL presents! my snowflake is always special because it comes from Him, it marks another year passed together for me which is always special. probably the most special present from Heather was the music box because... well, i'm a huge sucker for music boxes... everyone needs an addicition (other than mage knights of course). my favorite present from my mom was just to see her. it sounds corny but i'm glad they came out and could spend the day with us. and even better they brought my uncle who i never get to see anymore.
i'm thankful that He changed the plan to accomodate my maddness... i really miss my family at the holidays. i come from such a big family that it's sometimes difficult to not be around so many people even though, now, it's somewhat overwhelming for me to be around a lot of people... being an elitist and somewhat of a recluse has made me soft over the years ;) i just treasure my space and the quiet that comes from smaller groups i guess.
my house is still a mess and this bothers me. i've got too many things to do in my day today to do too much about it but i've been cleaning up what i can as i go along to try and get rid of the mess and the clutter. today, the new table shall magically disappear to the common room hopefully. i don't really want to store it in the extra bedroom because i'd rather use that closet for storing the various boxes that we need around every now and again so they're not suitable for going to storage. if it ends up there though... that's fine too... at least it's out of the living room.
i find myself longing for just some quiet time. no computers, no rushing about. just time to read or stitch or watch a movie quietly (i got a ton of movies for Critmas too! yay!). i'm actually looking forward to treadmill going downstairs so that i can start walking again on the days i don't go to the gym and hopefully use that time as quiet time to read again.
you know what? i had good quiet time this weekend... when heather and i were building puzzles. that was good quiet time. yeah... more of times like that maybe a few all by myself or without talking at all.
admittedly, i'm getting a little antsy at not having been able to have any alone time with Him lately. i've told him such and even asked for a night out with just the two of us. it makes me feel a little bad because i know that heather doesn't particularly want to sit at home all alone while i'm out with Him but at the same time, i just miss Him and that time that we always had together even when both the girls were living with us. it's just non-existant at the moment. BUT with school being done for a few weeks maybe the both of us will get a little time alone with Him... that would be good. i won't mind so much because if/when they go out... i'll have the house to myself and it will be good, quiet time for myself. heh... maybe that night i'll just sit and stare at a wall for the night. that'll slow me down a bit!
just feeling like i'm in fast forward and the integrity of the world around me is suffering because of it. it's the holidays... i'll get over it. i know it's irrational.
i'm looking forward to this weekend somewhat. i won't say i'm dying to go but it will be fun i'm certain. the place has changed so much and there are so many new people. i must get sleep between now and then... well, at least try since we're going to a concert on Thursday night so we probably won't get home until really really late, which will suck but c'est la vie!
new year's has lost all it's glamour for me. i think when i got married and we had our first (huh... and only) new year's as a married couple that just blew it for me... WE STAYED HOME... he had his friend over and they played PS all night long... while, admittedly, it was somewhat fun... it really sucked to not have Sammer around because until that year i think Sammer and i (and whomever else was around at that point) or my family were always together on New Year's.
i've just officially decided that growing up officially sucks ass. it changes all kinds of things and takes the fun right out of some things. i suppose if i were a different person i'd enjoy new years more because i'd go to clubs, be out there among people partying it up but quite frankly, i've got no patience for drunk people anymore, i don't like crowds and crowds of strangers pressing up against me all sweaty and germy and (again) drunk... my tastes are not for where the "fun" supposedly is for people my age. i'm a freak of nature! ;) okay, not really but man... i feel like a fogey sometimes. good thing i'm not a "sheep" and go with the flock just for the sake of fitting in.
i've got good people to spend the new year's with though :) i am happy to have them in my life.
i feel like i'm flip flopping a lot today. apparently my brain is all mixed up and discombobulated. i must be flushing out the rest of those damned female hormones. stupid girl hormones!!
i keep thinking about the tsunami and all those people that have been reported as dead. it's simply amazing. it doesn't "affect" my everyday life but it's just mind shattering to think about the fact that it's like eliminating all of the people that live in my hometown, Gardner AND Westminster. that'd be one big empty Ashburnham, Garnder and Westminster! That's a LOT of land without people... wow...
the part of me non-affected by the whole thing got to thinking "damn, land values are going to be cheap in all those areas for a while..." yeah... that's the side of me that is always thinking towards to financially positive side of things... if only i had the money to invest... but anyway, that's me being insensitive like the full-blooded American girl that i am.
i think i'm done writing for a while..
oh, by the way, i calculated wrong... we'd have to eliminate the entire population of Winchendon as well to make 40,000... somehow though, i don't think the death toll is going to stop there... what a horrible thing...
it's an amazing world.
