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10:01 a.m. - 2003-12-22
inequity
probably the last thing i want to crack open right now because people will likely think i'm whining but oh well, it's in my head and so, out it comes.

i'm frustrated this morning because three people in my life get to stay at home and do whatever the heck they want to because they have the day off.

some (in general, not the people who are at my house right now) might say they "deserve it" because they worked so hard over the semester or at their jobs. one is just out of work for a bit so she's just there but i'll be damned if i don't deserve some time to just be off and not here and not on call with my stupid phone ringing every 5 goddamned minutes.

*frumps*

i need to learn how to take vacation... or perhaps just need more of it because i use all my days for the various events we go to instead of just taking days to do whatever the hell comes along or... radical concept for me... nothing at all!

i suppose i should be happy that i have people at home who are cleaning the place up while i'm at work... but i'm not. i'd much rather be doing it myself. it's my space, my place for doing those things for Him and i'm hardly ever 100% happy with the job that other people do, probably because they didn't do one stupid thing the way i would... i'm a perfectionist, and i also like the recognition of getting things done for myself.

i do sound like i'm whining and it is not my intention. i'm just frustrated. it's boring here, i've nothing to do and yet, because there are so many people on vacation or sick, here i get to stay until 3 this afternoon because i'll be damned if i'm going to that w@ng meeting when i've been yanked out of the loop on that project.

gym tonight. joyous... more time away. i think the holiday rush is getting to me finally. i just want it to be over. part of me wants there to be snow on Christmas so we don't have to go up to my family's but the other part of me misses them and also wants to get rid of the ass ;)

it's always so complicated and it's SO much driving. i was angry when He suggested that we not go to any of the holidays up there next year. it seems to me lately that He's pushing me away from my biological family towards our family but is still holding tight to His own biological family. He'll tell me i'm crazy for thinking that but it's how i felt the weekend we went to my mom's because it was more important to Him to "get out of there at a reasonable time and only stay a few hours" (not a direct quote) than it was realizing how important it was for me to be there and spend that time with my mom.

and granted, His parents have had a rough end of year, i'll be the last to dispute that but at the same time, why should it be unimportant for me to see my biological family on the holidays? why should i have to worry about only being able to spend a couple of hours trying to catch up with everyone instead of being able to just go and enjoy the company until it's time to go?

perhaps i'm just spouting. i do this when something gets things rolling in my head, by now, most people who read this should be used to it.

Family is important to me. Whether it be my leather family or my biological one. It's important to me that I spend at least some time with both of those and not feel as if i'm being rushed or guilted because it's such a long trip. i KNOW it's a long trip. i hate it but i do it because i love them and i miss them. These are the people i spent every weekend with my entire childhood and teen-years! This is my family, the people who would bail me out of jail if i got arrested, who'd cover for me if i was at a party that got busted (been there, had this happen), people who love me for being me and people who are proud of me and people i'm proud of (even with their less than desirable habits in many cases).

i am different from them now. i'll admit to that, but i still love them, even if i do feel slightly lost and out of place and out of touch with them. i suppose that's how life is. i can't guess what next year will bring but i do intend to spend at least one holiday with them. Christmas has always been important to me because i think it's the most significant holiday in my family... no idea why i think that, i just do.

i'm pissy. i want to be a college student again. i want my only priority in life to be school and keeping myself alive. i don't want a cell phone that rings in the middle of all the fun stuff. i don't want the responsibility of being so important at work. i want simplicity.

and i can keep dreaming too because i know i'm being a retard and i worked/work hard to have this job and be as important as i am. i just wish that -i- could have some carefree timeoff with people that i love or all by myself (i'd prefer a 80/20 combination of those two, respectively).

i'll quit my bitching now and go and surf the net. that's what my day will consist of today since there's barely anything to do at all other than return emails and delete and load some rows to one database... joy!

i hope everyone's having a good time at home. i'm jealous.

 

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