7:54 a.m. - 2003-11-20
let's see what's on my mind
i've been suffering from "busy head" syndrome lately. completely unrelated things will pour from my mouth during conversations and i feel the need to go in depth about them even though they have no directo relevance to the current conversation at hand. i'd say this is a sign of a Tara with a lot on her mind.
my brain hurts sometimes. i've gotten to the point where i'm actually appreciating when it shuts itself down for the night because i can stop thinking and stop feeling annoyed when something sways me from my random thought processing. maybe i have too much going on right now... who knows, it's just been crazy inside my head lately and probably even more crazy to listen to me babble incessantly about some things.
the problem is, i think, that once i do take the time to sit down and write, nothing comes. it's like my thoughts have a social disorder or something and when the lime light is humming they are hiding just waiting for the shadows to come back to allow them to lurk freely.
i've spent a lot of time this week wondering and trying to figure out where the time has gone to this year. it's already nearly Thanksgiving and it seems like just yesterday was New Year's. i've been attempting to take an inventory of how i spent my time over the last year and it hasn't been all that successful but i am trying, at the same time, to plan for the times coming up and making sure that i do have times that i remember more clearly than what i remember this year. maybe it's work burnout or something, no idea really but the only points i remember from the entire year are related to work and the events we've been to this year. that's kind of sad to me.
i'm still tired and somewhat cranky from this weekend. oh, and my stomach seems to hate me for one reason or another too. it makes me edgey and makes my thoughts vindictive sometimes. hopefully i'll steal some extra Z's this weekend and have this near-exhaustion over with! i really just want my schedule to go back to it's normal mayhem instead of all this squeezing stuff in because my days are off as far as when i usually do things. sounds like i'm bitching... hmmm... didn't intend it to be that way. i enjoyed myself thoroughly but i suppose i'm just slightly discombobulated still from this weekend. i'm not sure even, that it's all hit me yet.
i'm having a hard time with BR reflections this year which is unusual for me. in the years past He and i would discuss such things during our car ride home. this year, that was of course different. i now remember Him saying we'd talk about it on wednesday but that was last night, it has come and gone and neither of us were really all that in a talking mood by the time we got home really. tonight andrea will be down, so we likely won't talk about it still, maybe tuesday or wednesday of next week will work out.
BR was fun this year. and i know i've already said that. i enjoyed the classes that i went to, i enjoyed meeting even more of the vendors that we see at nearly every event we attend. i had fun meeting some new people and catching up with some of the people we've been seeing there for years now. i enjoyed making better friends with people we've known for a couple of years too, namely hunter. heh, the four of us were the lone quasi-representation of the IR crowd this year... and from my understanding, not too many of us even go there anymore. oh how the world grows around us.
the Crucible was a very cool spot. i am disappointed at not getting my scene on Saturday night but the place was sooo packed that it just simply wouldn't have been possible at the level that i wanted anyhow. people were as they usually are, rude and oblivious to most around them. some were at least attempting to be polite while trying to jostle for a play space. it makes me wonder if some of these people don't play all year until they get to BR. this is entirely possible since some people meet their partners only at BR every year.
i got to see the dome of the Capitol building and the washington monument since the playspace was only a 1/2 mile from both those sites. i think i'll always be a sucker for grand architecture like the capitol building. to me, the Washington Monument kind of looked like the Bunker Hill Monument on steroids. He says we can go down to the area a week early next year so that we can go site seeing. i hope this comes to fruition because i'd be absolutely psyched to go to the hallocaust museum and see the Vietnam Wall and all of the other cool sites... Lincoln Monument. whatever i had time to see i'd like to see. i'd even think it would be cool to take the tour of the white house, mostly just because i'm certain that the architecture in there will thrill the pieces out of me.
note to self: invest in SOME kind of digital camera by next year...
i've been working on my critmas list too. gosh i had forgotten how difficult it is to think about things you want when you're on the spot. at this point in my life and relationships i often find myself wanting those things that take lots of work and lots of time to acquire and things that i wouldn't ask for on a critmas list. i did manage, however, to produce a few items and i'm probably just about done and ready to seal it up and give it to "Daddy" to deliver to Santa Claus.
buying a house has been on my mind MAJORLY but that process is a long and sometimes heartbreaking issue. with all due respect to the people in my life, i'm keeping this whole issue to myself (well, and Him since i live with Him and He has some say and all) and would prefer that people don't ask too much about it because i don't know how fast or slow i'll move on this thing and like i said, from experience, i know that it's kind of a wild ride as far as finding something you like that isn't going to cave into the basement within a few years. it's such a huge investment and i'm finding that it's suddenly a very personal mission of mine.
i think it's a matter of the fact that i realized not too long ago that a lot of my dreams are within tangible reach over the next few years. i -can- get a house. i -can- look for land to build on in the future. i -will- be able to buy that land and then get a mortgage to have contractors build the house i've always wanted. as crazy as it sounds, the thought that all those things are really within a reachable distance is more frightening than anything else. at least when it seemed like they were just dreams i could be comfortable in knowing that they were just beyond my fingers and that i was safe from the large responsibility that it all brings.
and of cours all this is springing from attending Lady Catherine's classes i believe. i think her classes and our discussion with her after one of her classes is what has started my brain rolling on this tumble of jumbled thoughts all thrown into one. for some reason i've realized a bunch of things since those classes and somehow i think there's a whole lot more to come. i wonder what my current brain capacity is and where the limit is.
i have a lot of unaired gripes about things too. i just haven't been in the mood to dump them all. i'm putting that here because it came to my fingers and though i know the statement will cause me a lot of grief with people asking about it at some point i felt the need to at least -express- that right now. i wish i was ready to talk about it all, but i'm simply not because i still think a lot of it is garbage i'm carrying around that should just be thrown away and since i'm working through all that at what is seemingly a snail's pace, i figure i'll probably be okay before i even find anything that's worth voicing that's in my head currently.
growth. it's all part of growth i think. mental growth is so much more exhausting than the physical growth we experience growing up. i remember the growing pains that used to sear my shins and make it unbearable to move or to sit still. i couldn't win. but at least they would go away for a while. mental growth can be something of a double-edged sword. growth is good but it causes change in your person. no matter how small the step, no matter how minute the change in frame of mind, it changes your person and can wreak havoc on your character. i'm growing again and i can feel it. i'm trying to understand it all. i'm trying to make sense of all the directions my brain is travelling and trying to see if i can hold myself upright long enough to at least share with someone the things that are going on, but i am finding that i don't want to share yet.
selfish. i am finding myself to be entirely selfish lately. of course, i'm okay with that but i realize that not everyone can understand that. i'm still learning to find my person and be that person when the girls are around. i'm trying to determine her role and i believe (again from our discussions with Lady Catherine) that i need to spend more time talking to Him about it lately.
frustrated. i feel ignored lately. i will sit there talking about things that are seemingly important to me at the time and people will suddenly look at me with that "oh gods, she's been talking and i haven't heard a word she's said" subtle look and insert my favorite question here > "huh?" < or > "what?" <. now, i know that sometimes i can be quiet when i speak but i've prided myself in fixing that issue over the past three years and until recently i felt like people were at least hearing my voice at least if they weren't listening to my words. i also know that i have bad diction sometimes but i don't think that's the problem even HALF as much as people would like to tell me it is because i speak very clearly. i need to in order to communicate at work and in order to hold pertinent conversations with people outside of work. the seemingly newfound habit of ignoring what Tara is saying or simply not stopping to listen to what she's saying is terribly frustrating to me and i'm slapping this one out on the table for everyone to see because i haven't had this problem with just one person but with multiple people. some of them don't even read this journal but it's a mental thing about getting it out there so that should they ever happen to stumble across it or some other fiction-like reason it's there and at least i've expressed it.
this issue, of course, has my mind working on ways to remedy the issue and of course the easy solutions are those that would cause me more harm than good. i could be bratty or i could be extra loud. i could use the "know it all" tone, i could interrupt people. i could demand attention. i could insert myself between the person i want to talk to and whatever they are doing but quite frankly, all of those types of things are totally disrespectful and i'm not about to get my ass in a sling to make myself more noticable. of course, you know, i just realized that people are basically disrespecting me because they aren't listening to me when i am speaking.
my personal, and probably jaded opinion since it is -me- i'm talking about, is that lately i don't have time to say things that aren't important to me. i simply don't have the time or the brain capacity to waste on things that don't have relevance to my life in some direct kind of way. i suppose what i'll do is start asking people if they can focus when i'm trying to have a discussion with them. i don't need the affirmation that i'm saying something of use because, like i said, i'm not about wasting my precious time with useless things at all lately (perhaps i should look into doing just that on my own so that i'm not so friggen high strung about some stuff) so i personally feel that people she be able to take a small portion of their time to drop what they are doing and listen to me just as i stop what i'm doing to listen to the people who talk to me at work or outside of work.
it's scary to think that i'm veering away from my mega-multi-tasker type attitude in some ways. i still hate the phone because it's restrictive and i can't be doing something else attentively while talking on the phone while if it's electronic communication i can at least check emails or write journal entries between messages. so i suppose i'm veering only a quarter of the way off that track. honestly, in this current world of ours, if you're not multi-tasking in some way then it's amazing if you can get anything done at all.
self-image. always a touchy subject for me but ever a present one because the one person we should always be most aware of is ourselves. i struggle with this on occassion. i plan changes. sometimes they go, sometimes they don't. i think my internal financial department decides if the cost is worth the benefit sometimes. i've been circulating some things through my head in regards to the normal issues like weight and appearance. my attitude towards and around Him. i'm learning that i -have to- deal with the changes in me and my position in regards to the girls because i'm shorting myself of my own enjoyment of the lifestyle by trying to function in a role that i am not completely functional in yet. i have decided much of this will change quickly when we all make the plunge and end up living together. all in all though, "learning my new position" aside, things have been relatively quiet on the self-image front. which is a nice change. i'm still planning on restarting the whole weight watchers bit after the holidays while still at least trying to adhere partially to a lower carb type plan now (failing miserably this week). spending a lot of time at the gym, which this week is annoying but i already know that next week i'll think it's great... i vacillate that way.
lost. i feel lost lately. i'm not sure why. i think my life has gotten so busy that i've lost a lot of things that i've had in the past that kept me somewhat grounded to the path and floating above it has become somewhat perilous. i need to slow down and try to determine where i am and start putting myself back on the path, where ever it has gotten to.
discipline. does anyone else see that any and all of the above mentioned discussions involve understanding and enforcing self discipline. and that the discipline of others could solve yet even more of my ailments within my thought processes. it's strange to want the rigidity of a scheduled life so that things have their place and everythign works very functionally for the most part when i'm so used to being free to do whatever i please most times. i don't -have- the self-discipline to do some of the things i'd like to do. i know that part of me seeks absolute structure from the lifestyle and my relationship with Him and i know that i fight it when it's placed there and that somehow He just deems it as me not being really and truly ready for it at that point or something like that. i need to work on it... again... still... continuously. bah, just another thing to add onto the pile. i should start making myself a damn poster and issuing gold stars every time i make one of my goals! it's actually not a bad idea at all... *ponders* maybe some form of that indeed is on the horizon.
Lust. This is one thing that i've noticed has taken an immediate back seat to the rest of the things going on in my world. i wondered at BR (as we all oogled Maria in her myriad of goregous dresses and corsets and even nakedness) if my aversion to lust is because i currently equate my lack of control over my lust in the past helping to place me in the condition i'm in now.
now to smooth that comment over or perhaps make it a bit more clear. i don't regret having my leather family but sometimes, and especially right now for some reason, it's terribly trying and difficult to deal with everything that is going on and not one of us can really, internally at least, deny that fact. we may try but every one of us is largely effected by it in one way or another. some just "deal" or "ignore it" in better fashion. some just hide it better than others.
****** continuation after LONG interruption ******
just talked to my mom. she went to the homeopathic doctor last night and from what it sounds this guy was really good. he showed her her x-rays and MRIs and such and explained to her what was happening. he used props to explain what was happening in her back. he also told her about some other issues he could see from her x-rays and such like her carpal tunnel and something else "going on" in her lower back that he wasn't worried about right yet he said.
she's basically got two options right now. they're starting her off on this medication and traction program right now to see if they can correct the problems that way. if this doesn't work then she will have to have surgery. she said that the doctor was surprised by her answer to his question "what's your goal?" her answer being "to go back to work." i'd expect an answer like that from her. she's spent her entire life working for a cause, be it to feed me or to fully take care of herself and be independant and be able to enjoy some of the finer points in life.
they're starting her on a medication that is typically used for epileptic patients. apparently it has shown great promise in alleviating pain and swelling in patients. i don't know the full details about it but she gave me the name so i may just go look at the studies on it to see what it is exactly they'll be doping my mom up with. i think it's especially tough on her right now because my mom is a crafty person. when she has time on her hands she likes to make things and right now she can barely hold anything for more than 5 minutes so she is frustrated. i told her she has to let someone take care of her for once. heh... gee, where do i get -my- fierce independance streak from?
she says she can't even type for 5 mintues without the pain becoming unbearable. she's going to step down from the auxiliary, which she doesn't want to do but she couldn't even work at the snack bar currently because she can't lift or hold anything long enough to be useful. she doesn't want to step down but says she will because of the medical reasons. i'm sure when she's better she'll pick it up again. she enjoys it.
anyway, work is calling and i should really do some since i spent nearly 40 minutes on the phone with my mom. i haven't eaten breakfast yet either because i was waiting for Ken and he hadn't come in (come to find out he is sick but we didn't know because he left a message with Amar instead of Don... we were concerned so i called him to be sure). i don't know if i'm going to eat breakfast... aside from the fact that i think i've already missed it. maybe i'll just have one of the bars in my desk. or, given my stomach issues last night, i'll just hold off until lunch. it's less than 2 hours away now as it is.
oh well... i'm off to work land. my mind is much more quiet in work land than after work. i guess it's because i have goals and can focus better.
must work on that.
