8:11 a.m. - 2003-11-06
my thoughts on people weak of character
i thought that over a year ago i did away with the melodrama that can come from having a public journal. i was wrong apparently and now, instead of people using what i say against me they seem to be okay with using bits and pieces of information here to annoy me without even knowing that i know about it and instead, using the information to hurt people i care about.
i'd like to think that people are moer mature than that but apparently they are not. i have my own theories about perpetraitors in the whole scenario but truly, i don't really care. the only thing that i do care about is that someone is using me and my words to smear my character to hurt someone else.
i'm all fired up about this today... again... it just doesn't seem to go away but seems to get worse every now and again.
quite frankly, whether the perp is reading or not. i don't CARE if she stays or if she goes. it's simply not my business. *makes a circular motion in front of herself* this is MY space *indicates away from her* this is the rest of the world. -i- don't care what goes on outside of my space. i care when people attempt to smear me all over a bad situation but truly, it makes me more sad than anything else because that means that someone isn't strong enough to stand up for what they have to say. that means that whoever is trying to frame me is just a weak person who cannot use their own voice to speak because they are too afraid. fine. i'm strong of character. use my voice. write to ME and tell me what you want to say and i'll say it for you but stop trying to frame -me- because i don't give a rat's ass if she ever ends up with us really. i would only mourn the loss of a friend for an hour or so and then be on with my life because people come and go every day and you may be able to take the person out of my life but you know what? you can't take away the memories.
i suppose my whole argument with this entire mess (besides someone else being so goddamned weak that they can't speak with their own voice) is that no one has bothered to ASK for my information directly, which i would fully and gladly give, only asking in return for the information which is supposedly lying around pointing to me. you can't blame me and then not have any proof because if there is no proof, there is no case. i am innocent.
it's funny how my mind has flipped from suspect to suspect to suspect over the duration of this circus and finally i have decided to lie the entirety of the blame on one person. regardless of whether the emails are real or not there is only truely one person who is at fault for causing this entire commotion and that is the person that i am angry with right now because in not taking the steps to gather information to disprove people, this person is entirely guilty.
and i hate saying it. because when you don't know someone well enough it is difficult for ME to point fingers. and truely, i'm not... i've just decided who i'm angry at. i need a channel, i've now picked it. likely in about an hour, i won't care again and i won't be mad at anyone. but this is my public statement and this is what -i- have to say...
if whoever you are wants to use the things in my life to try to frame me at least talk to me and attempt to get your facts straight because half truths are uncovered over and over and over again making the whole story look like swiss cheese. if you can't have the balls to say what you think you need to say and need someone who -can-, go ahead and talk to me directly and i'll tell you exactly how to say it or, instead, i'll say it for you since you so want me to be the victim in your little games anyway.
and while i'm on a roll... no matter who is doing this, victimizing your friends and people who you claim to love is a dirty game which exposes a character fault much deeper than not having the balls to speak up on your own accord. it indicates a dark place in you that will never see light until you learn that it does nothing but destroys yourself from the inside out and eventually you will find yourself cold and alone and, even if you die surrounded by people who claim to be your friends and family, you WILL die alone. because you have chosen to live your life that way and there will be nothing left to you as a person when you meet death at the door.
-i- have not chosen to live my life that way.
-i- have identified that former dark place in me and i have carried in the light with the help of people who love me.
-i- do not intend to die alone.
-i- love the people in my life and am disgusted when people play hurtful headgames to try to destroy them.
-i- am my own person and can survive on my own even if i don't desire to.
-i- am strong.
-i- use MY OWN voice when things are not right in my world.
-i- will be here, whole, even when these games are done because i am strong of character and whatever picture someone tries to paint of me, hundreds of others will scoff at and display the correct picture.
-i- have character.
-i- am trust-worthy.
-i- can speak my mind.
-i- am done.
