6:19 a.m. - 2003-10-13
more than likely, this is going to hurt some people. (aka i am ANGRY!)
i am SO angry right now.
it started in the shower when i had a realization about why it bothers me so much when the girls are around some times... and i would have been fine to sit with those thoughts for the additional 10 minutes it would have taken me to get dressed but then i spotted the MESS in His closet and nearly lost it right there and then.
i probably would have if it wouldn't have involved waking Him up and He'll probably tell me i should have just done it.
i'm going to start with the shirts in the closet because i'm livid about it right now.
perhaps you'll see this as something that's part of my OC behavior, a, but that would simply mean to me that you don't understand at all. it traces back to one of our conversations last night. His closet is a mess. folded or not those t-shirts look as if the were hastily folded and thrown up there which caused them to half unfold. perhaps you think i'm being too hard on you but i don't care because to me it's the quality of the work that you do for Him that shows HIM how you feel about Him and about the relationship as a whole and i am appalled to see that you didn't take the extra few minutes to make things neat and tidy but instead stacked it all up there willy-nilly and let them fall all over the place.
again, perhaps this is partially my fault for not show you how to fold them and put them away. this simply means that we will do just that next time we do laundry. YES, it IS picky and yes, it IS extra work but you have simply got to stop bitching about that and see that extra work displays the fact that you are HAPPY to do things for Him at all.
which is a fabulous lead in to my other thought stream prior to the shirts... but first...
DO NOT TOUCH THAT CLOSET OR THOSE SHIRTS!
i assure you that i will be twice as pissed if i come home and they are moved.
it's funny to me right now that i was less pissed about my thoughts in the shower than about what most people would consider His "stupid t-shirts". i should be MORE pissed about these other thoughts.
quite frankly i'm pissed because the girls don't have one inkling of appreciation for what they have. they come down here and whine and complain about the things they are given, sometimes giving cursory thank yous, most times not even.
THEY get the futon to sleep on and yet it's "uncomfortable", "i can't sleep on it, i'm restless" WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE. have they taken even less than a second to think about the fact that -I- slept on the floor with nothing more than a blanket and two pillows???? Not even the slightest puffy thing to lay under me, not a forgiving mattress!? No, probably not and i'll tell you why. Because they get AWAY with their incessant whining and the night -I- spent on the floor, they didn't really care much more than an afterthought about it because THEY were in the bed for once and -I- was on the floor.
well screw that! they don't even know how lucky they are to be allowed to set foot into the house at all and then they receive the luxury of being able to sleep on the futon AT THE FOOT OF THE BED NO LESS and -I- have to sleep at the foot of the bed on the floor. I WAS THANKFUL FOR THE BLANKET AND PILLOWS! sometimes i'm not even allowed THAT!
for many of the things that THEY do, i would get yelled at, lectured or somehow made to punish myself for my behavior. it's outrageous the injustices that are happening around me and yet they have the audacity to complain about having to share a room when we move in together or TELL me that there WILL be regular coffee in the house. BULLSHIT! honestly, right now, i'm so goddamned angry that i wish He would take every last comfort away from both of you! i wish BOTH of you would have to suffer like i once did while -I- was training. YOU ARE BOTH SPOILED! YOU BOTH ACT LIKE PRINCESSES AND NOT SUBMISSIVES! you both are more concerned with your own agendas even when you're in His presence than you are about what He may want.
yeah, you care what He thinks about what you do but do you really truly act upon it? it doesn't seem so because i see behaviors that indicate to me that you don't really care. that you don't feel like taking the time to work on yourself to improve yourself for Him! perhaps you think that sounds harsh. perhaps HE thinks that sounds harsh, but instead of "i'll work on it" and really working on some things, we get "well why is it always me that you're picking on about..." and a bunch of whining. or there's always a "special case" to be made for someone who's got an ache and pain and that's why they need something that they originally weren't going to get.
WELL AT LEAST YOU GET THOSE THINGS!
i could be in miserable pain one night and if He asked me to sleep on the floor at the foot of the bed with absolutely nothing, you know what!? i may ask for the luxury of a blanket (and still be denied) but i would be there without a complaint! i would probably cry myself to sleep but i know that i'd be doing it while showing Him the level of my dedication. i would be showing Him that MY personal misery means nothing next to my dedication to Him. i would be doing so to show how DEEP my love and devotion to Him run.
you two do not understand that and maybe i shouldn't fault you for those things that you do not know or understand but understand that i am ANGRY at what you are allowed. i am ANGRY that you take it for granted and instead of being appreciative (and that doesn't mean voicing the "thank yous" all the time) of the things you have, INCLUDING HIS INDIVIDUAL ATTENTION ALONE AT TIMES, you bitch, whine, moan, and complain until some change is made that benefits you.
in the end, what you both need to realize is that it's not about YOU. it's not about what YOU like or what YOU want. and you're selfish and bratty for wanting things that you are lucky to be allowed. do you know that i think Him for allowing me to eat at all at night?! perhaps you think it's just a formality, a level of control that He exercises at dinner time but perhaps you don't realize that i could potentially sit through all of dinner time without Him allowing me to eat. sure, if i didn't i may complain too but at least i would understand that i was doing it for Him and i would be even more greatful at the point where i was allowed to eat.
sometimes i feel so different from you two and i never can figure out why. well perhaps i just discovered part of why. perhaps i never gave enough thought to the fact that finding yourself and hearing that big SNAP in my head made me different and that's where i stand. in a world not even remotely the same as the one i left, the one you are still in now. maybe i'm a snobby, elitist for a reason. maybe i was created to be that way when i changed.
maybe someday you'll understand, but right now, i don't think either of you come even remotely close to understanding how lucky you are to simply be allowed to walk in the door. how lucky you are to be allowed furniture all the time. how lucky you are to be allowed to simply eat when you would like to. how lucky you are to be allowed the futon AND be in the bedroom at all. how lucky you are to be able to speak freely. how lucky you are to have time alone with Him. how lucky you are that He even chooses to listen to you for even a few minutes.
i could probably go on forever but you know what? i've already made myself late for work, but at least i feel somewhat better. i'm still angry, which is not how i would have liked to start off my day but oh well, perhaps the ride to work will chill me out.
i am angry that you are not greatful for the things that you have and do not have the respect to show Him thanks by paying special attention to the smaller details in life but instead putting yourself and your own comfort before His.
it's disgraceful to me.
-i- will fix the t-shirts when i get home.
DO NOT TOUCH THEM!
