11:25 p.m. - 2003-09-19
brain deluge
i'm feeling rather anti-social, pardon my seeming "missingness" from being online and such. i just don't want to deal with anyone at all right now. i've just had enough people this week and all i want to do is sleep and not communicate with anyone. with the exception of Him of course... He's a constant and a happy spot in my life.
i've been missing for two days. pretty much completely. you've probably seen me as much as i've seen myself. i've been straight out at work, worse than when i had time to actually stop and write about it. at this point, i'm done bitching about it. i'm tired of hearing myself andtoday i had a good long, needed talk with my boss so i could chill out because someone had said something to me that pretty much both shocked me coming from her and insulted me. she later regained face before i could go "have a talk with her about it" as Don suggested but it was still the straw that broke the camel's back.
i've laughed a lot over the last two days but not the amused type of laughter. sort of that insane, "i don't believe all this crap is happening all at once and i just can't care anymore because i'm not able" kind of laughter. i'm not depressed or anything, just severely tired. i'm not mad at anyone, just in need of some anti-people time, and i know that it doesn't come at a time most convenient to everyone but... not to be rude... OH WELL! it's time for Tara time. i'm sure i'll be back to my regularly scheduled social self once i unwind a bit :)
i wanted to write this morning. i had a collection of things to write about that i thought about on my way to work. i sat down with every intention to write and the time just slipped away. i know i wanted to write about my impression of the morning but now the words won't come to me in such a poetic way as they had this morning and so, to me, it's almost not worth it. it was nice though in that weird, almost stormy kind of way when the sky is so overcast that it appears to be smooth or rippled like the ocean off shore a ways. and today, on the way home, a similar occurance except this overcast sky was accompanied with the strange colorful glow we sometimes see before and after large storms. it had apparently rained like the dickens while i was in work. i attribute the hue to that since it didn't rain on my way home. but it is really neat to be driving along and suddenly feel like you entered an area where a blue light shines on you and alters your perception of the world. it was cool... and blue was most definately a more welcome color than the storm forecasting greenish yellow that fills the sky before huge thunderstorms or hurricanes.
i know i also wanted to mention my dream this morning. i don't remember it completely. i just remember the general context and how i felt as my alarm was so rudely waking me up during it. i was dreaming that i was having a conversation. i don't know who it was with or what it was about but i was completely engrossed in it. so much so that i was completely annoyed at the alarm and, at least in my head, i was trying to ignore it. in actuality what probably happened was that i was moving as soon as i heard the alarm and dreaming in fast forward like i usually do, but my perception of it was still "regular time". i don't know that i ever discussed that theory of mine here... dreaming in fast forward...
i'm convinced that i dream in fast forward based on the sheer number of dreams i can sometimes recall. mostly i remember my dreams when i'm not completely dead to the world. probably why i can't coherently remember any details about my dreams lately, but anyway, i hold true to believing that i dream in fast forward but that my perception of them is that they occur real time. it would make sense too since my brain is always moving 20 times faster than it really needs to be. sometimes it's a curse and a blessing all at the same time. i'm not claiming to be uber intelligent but at the same time, my brain seems to be able to wrap around things quickly and operate on a higher speed level than a lot of the people i find myself surrounded by. that's not to say that the people i'm around are slow or less intelligent than i am, i have no idea why i think so quickly. perhaps it's just a developed thing. no idea, but anyway, the point it, i'm convinced i dream in fast forward.
forgive my defensiveness if you note it. i've been on the defensive all week. i think it's just left over.
i've been getting mail for someone at our place for a while.. it's usually in the form of letters from the Child Support Enforcement division of taxation in RI. letters don't bother me though i've returned them to sender a MILLION times already. but today, i was trying to call my boss and foudn that we had voicemail, so i go listen to it. it's for this guy. granted he's got the same last name as me but jesus... what the hell is wrong with these people can't that see my name is Tara and not Sean? i hate collectors and such that just assume that since you live at some address with the same last name that it MUST be your number that this person lives at. either that or this guy has used out address and somehow our phone number to deter his debt collectors. needless to say i intend to call the place that called me tomorrow and kindly tell them i have NO idea who the hell this guy is and i'd appreciate it if they would stop calling my house.
i'm going to request a credit report this weekend too. try to start cancelling those cards that i never use and just plain don't need. keep a few, like Sears, Circuit City and my credit cards (though when paid off i think my Universal card is going) start prepping my credit report for the time when i'll finally be able to apply for a mortgage again. it's just not worth it right now with my debt but i'm working on a plan for that. i just have to catch up from last month when, by attempting to help myself, i screwed myself out of a significant amount of money instead. i suppose in any "good" plan there will be setback and so, i'm not worried. it'll all get paid off. that's just what happens.
the music in Warcraft just made my think of the Neverending Story. it's the sad music when everything in Fantasia is gone. probably not the same music but i think it was the undertones of the music that's playing in the game that jogged the memory. good movie.
we were talking about Finding Nemo yesterday at the munch *wiggles* i can't wait until it comes out again! i hope "Santa" brings it to me for Christmas! the munch was cool. i liked the restaurant we were at, they had good food. the set up wasn't as good as what we had at Muldoon's but in this place, you definately saw who liked who and who didn't like who by the way everyone chose to separate. it's so strange to see that though because on some general level, everyone gets along but at the same time, some people just can't stand to be in the company of others.
i can't even say how odd, and even awe-insprining it is to me to be an accepted part of the "inner circle" at the munch. i'm proud to be worthy of being on the "invite list" to their parties. this is an amazing group of people and i'm glad to know them. it's amazing to know people and know that you can learn something from every single one of them. not just the dominants/tops but also the submissives. i suppose it's the way that people intrigue me that makes me think about this but being invited to the parties and getting to know these people better will help to make me a better person as well. i'm proud to be friends with these folks.
you know. i'm done. my brain is empty and it's tired and i don't feel like writing anymore because it involves thinking so i think i'm just going to curl up on the floor with the blankie and the body pillow and wait until He's ready to go to bed. i'm just happy to sit there and watch Him play the game.
i'm a lucky girly :)
