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8:21 a.m. - 2003-09-15 the weekend was... interesting on some levels. seemingly, in retrospect, a lot of drama, a mixed bag of a lot of communication and lack of communication, good times and decidedly bad times (anytime someone falls down the stairs definately qualifies as a bad time...), the usual lack of time to do homework or complete tasks. the apartment looks like Isabel tore through it. At least the majority of the dishes are done! i'm multithreading to capacity this morning. a raging ball of thoughts minus emotion this morning which is probably why i'm not all that concerned about babbling here. i'm too tired to be empathetic or even to care to be empathetic. so the numbness of subtle apathy works for me right now. any time a new person hits the family it leads to a lot of drama. it's inherent. it happens. it sucks. of course, for me, anytime we take in a new member it screws up my patterns in my day to day life, but i'm okay with that most of the time. like any other human being i get frustrated with it though and this weekend was no different. it's a difficult place for me to be. stuck between helping and letting people learn and do on their own. it's a tough position when you've been there and have come out the other end with a completely different attitude about the whole thing when you went into your own issues. like i did say though, in the end, we have control over every situation in our lives no matter how hopeless it may feel or how out of control things seem. in the end, only -we- can decide how we're going to react to situations. -we- make our own decisions and need to understand that those decisions have been made and cannot be taken back but, instead, accepted and worked with. i'll admit that in my own situations i often forgot that it was my decisions that put me where i was but eventually i realized that it was my own free will that put me there and i was standing on a small island between two gaping chasms with a rope bridge leading to either side. it's windy up there but we have to decide which path to take and sometimes, the one we just travelled on, looks more trecherous than the one ahead. sometimes you just have to keep walking, heads down, mind concentrated on something else that is stable throughout the journey and put more reliance in that and in the people that support you and just stop feeling hopeless. i've determined, after a long time thinking about it, just over 2 years now, that nothing is hopeless. He and i have had numerous discussions about the fact that emotions complicate things and these cases are the same deal. if we remove the emotions that set us adrift, things are really cut and dry. being female we are more apt to be effected by emotions. we're built to be emotional but at the same time we don't have to let them control us, distract us, and feel like they are destroying us. move forward. stand back from outside your body and view the situation with non-emotional eyes. be disconnected because sometimes you HAVE to be. sometimes if you don't do this, you hurt yourself more at the alleged benefit of others and at that point you're just playing a self-destructive game. work is interrupting. though i really want to finish, i cannot. this is an incomplete journal entry. this is an incomplete thought. understand that. i can multithread.
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