8:25 a.m. - 2003-09-10
ahhhh fall!
i had a flashback or more like a day dream this morning when i walked out the door into the cool, definately fall-like air.. with my jacket on no less!
i had a vision of me standing out on the back deck of a house looking out over the backyard. it was hazy because the moisture oftens hangs in the air when the weather's like this. the air is crisp and refreshing and i smiled. i was content.
the key to that whole vision is that it was at a HOUSE... as in a house that i/we owned, because He, of course, was in my vision/daydream thing as well and He walked up behind me and held me and just looked with me. i can see Him doing that too... He's good like that.
after i got in my car and thought about it some more, i became kind of sad when i realized that, at least in that daydream, no one else seemed to live with us. granted, that's an assumption or a gut feeling based on a day dream but it just sort of made me sad.
so i got to thinking about why. it's funny but because i've been "alone" my entire life and never really had to learn how to share with siblings i always seem to envision my future as me and one person... which isn't always true. in my waking, aware mind i see the family together in a house somewhere too but apparently my subconscious still isn't quite to that level yet totally. i've had dreams about it once or twice that i can remember but other than that, it seems my daydreams have stayed stark.
perhaps it's the basic simplicity in the situation or the fact that i like having MY space and not having to share it with the world, but then again... i've only ever tried a few times and so far every time my roommate situations worked out (with the exception of one wench who moved just because she didn't like Louie... whatever...) but i've never had -multiple- roommates.
the idea doesn't scare me. in fact, i'm quite okay with the whole idea given that there's enough space for private, quiet time all by myself in an uninterrupted kind of way. that'll be what gets me. having people always around. i'm figuring though that if we all live together we will eventually not need to talk all the time when we're in the same room. sometimes, i just don't feel like talking. that's why my relationship with Him is great because sometimes we have entire conversations without saying a word, or we'll just sit there all night doing something together but not speaking at all. those are good nights for mental recuperation.
i miss having my own place. not as in being alone but more like as in not having some stranger living on the other side of my wall. the walls in our apartments certainly are nothing like the walls in the dorms. These walls don't hold anything back unfortunately! (*remembering listening to the people upstairs have sex twice the other night...* always quickies... poor unfortunate souls)
fall always makes me miss UMass too because fall out there is simply gorgeous. i used to love to stand at the top of the hill, near the parking lots in OH and look out over the valley. i have a few pictures that i took from that vantage point but it's nothing like actually -being- there. i get to go back for homecoming this year though, which will be fun :) i need to call all the other hotels soon though and find us a place to stay. seems i'm already too late...
it's funny because i feel like i could sit here all day and write but at the same time there doesn't seem to be a whole lot floating around in my head. i know we've got some busy weekends coming up. this weekend is andrea's bday visit (Happy Birthday andrea!!) and next week is an "off" weekend during which i plan to stay home and "do nothing" (really this time, sorry everyone!) and you all know that i mean Tara's version of "do nothing".
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK! i just almost lost this entire entry because something work related opened in this window! i nearly had a heart attack!!! as you can see, i'm being a moron this morning and writing in the dland window. usually i do anyway but i'll select the entire entry and copy it before pressing submit. that certianly wouldn't have helped me in this last situation! thank the lords and ladies that this didn't disappear, i'd have had a fit!
well, perhaps i should take that as a sign to actually post this and go do some work for a while. i didn't bring the laptop today but i did bring my homework in case i get a spare minute to myself during the day.
laters all!
