3:25 p.m. - 2003-08-23
Trust
My wrists are exhausted, I haven't had to touch-type a document in eons!
Here's an article I found particularly interesting in my Fitness Magazine (September issue).
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To trust another human being - a friend, a coworkers, a spouse - is one of the biggest emotional chances you can take. After all, you can never be sure that the other person won't disappoint or, worse, hurt or betry you. But that doesn't mean suspicion should be your default mode. "Without a willingness to put our faith in others, we risk depression, loneliness and anxiety," says Joel Block, Ph. D., author of Broken Promises, Mended Hearts: Maintaining Trust in Love Relationships (Contemporary Books, 2001). "If a woman has trouble trusting, it's unlikely that she will have healthy relationships.
Trust is liberating. When it exists, you have the freedom to give your opinions, reveal your feelings and show your true self without worrying that your disclosures will be used against you. You can also be comfortable taking the individual at his or her word, whether the promise is to be faithful, meet a deadline or be home by 11 P.M.
But developing trust is tricky. Often we put the onus on our partner or friend - it's his or her responsibility to act in a way that earns it - while forgetting that our behavior is equally important. "It's up to both people in any relationship to demonstrate, through words and actions, that they can be trusted in ways that matter, " says Mark Goulston, M.D., authoer of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Berkley Books, 2002).
You can't guarantee another person's trustworthiness, nor can you force it. All you can do is understand how your previous experiences have affected your ability to trust, act in a way that makes the other person feel safe, and hone your instincts so you can determine if someone is truly worth your faith. These four steps will help you accomplish this.
Understand Your Past
Low self-esteem, previous betrayals and parents who were abusive, belitting, distant or unreliable may cause a woman to become extremely guarded. Ironically, these factors can also make someone so desperate for close connections that her needs cloud her judgement. Consequently, she may repeatedly rely on the wrong people and open herself up to the kind of pain she's hoping to avoid. By exploring how your ability to trust was formed, you can escape the traps of the past and increase the level of intimacy in your life. You answer to these questions arm you with the inner knowledge to sort out your feelings if trust issues surface in a current of new relationship.
First, consider what messages your parents sent you about trust. Think about the way they treated you as well as their behavior towards others as you reflect on your past.
* Did you feel safe as a child?
* Could your rely on your parents to keep their promises?
* Did they belittle you or cause your to second-guess yourself?
* Were you always tryin gto please them, even though nothing you did ever seemed good enough?
* Did they trust each other?
* Were they suspicious of other people's motives?
Next, examine patterns in your past and current relationships, especially the ones where you felt let down or burned. "Sometimes we want a relationship to work out so badly that we hear promises the other person didn't intend to make," says Tine B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (Career Press, 2002).
* What were your expectations, and were they realistic?
* Were there warning signs that the person wasn't dependable?
* If so, did you simply not see them, or did you make excuses for the behaviors?
* Were you honest with each other about your values and goals?
* Did you make yourself vulnerable by trying to create intimacy too early in the relationship?
* How has that experience influenced your willingness to form new friendships or romances?
Be Trushtworthy Yourself
"When you're the honest and reliable, others tend to respond in kink," says Tony Ammeter, Ph.D., an assistant professor of management information systems who studies workplace relationships at the University of Mississippi School of Business. You can show the quality of your character in these little ways every day:
* Don't take part in malicious gossip.
Pass along rumors and innuendo, and inevitably the person you're talking to will wonder what you say behind her back, even if she's actively participating in the conversation.
*Listen without judging.
"When you're given sensitive or difficult news, don't freak out," says Tessina. For example, if your daughter tells you that kids are smoking pot at school, ask her how it makes her feel or what she thinks should be done rather than immediately calling the principal. If you interrogate her or get upset, you're sending the message that she can't confide in you. You may still need to make the call, but at least she'll know that your actions were thoughtful, not just reactive. Or, if your husband tells you he occassionally needs a night out with the guys, don't automatically assume he's saying he's bored with you. "It's not an insult - actually it's a sign that he trusts you enough to be honest with you," says Dr. Goulston.
*Be sensitive.
Everyone has hot buttons - things they're particularly touchy about - and it's difficult to count on someone who continually pushes them. Avoid giving the impression that you will exploit another's vulnerabilities; think twice before you tease or bring up a ticklish topic.
*Share.
Revealing information about yourself is one of the ways you bond in close relationships. But people often forget that it's just as important to show your human side at work or in community or volunteer groups. "Informal moments of social interaction help build trust," says Carol Kinsey Gorman, Ph.D., author of The Human Side of High-Tech (John Wiley & Sons, 2000). You don't have to tell your deepest secrets or let your boss know that you dream of staying home with the kids. Rather, chat about your weekend plans, the movie you just saw, your vacation, family or hobbies.
Let Others Know You Trust Them
In a study from the College of Saint Rose in Albany, New York, researchers found that when the partners of study subjects felt trusted, they behaved in a more trustworthy way. "The expression of faith may strengthen the commitment," says Ann Marie Zak, Ph.D., chairman of the psychology department. This extends to work relationships as well. Coworkers and subordinates will likely perform better when you let them know you believe they can meet targets and deadlines rather than constantly questioning their abilities.
Trust Your Instincts
Fortunately, most of us have a reliable sense of when others are being truthful. The challenge is to be able to spot when you're picking up on something truly fishy, when you're applying past hurts to present circumstances and when you're ignoring the signs that someone is being deceptive.
* Pay attention to your gut.
Does it seem that the person is exaggerating his or her accomplishments, smiling too brightly or agreeing too quickly with everything you say? In those instances, you might find yourself thinking, "This guy's too slick for my taste" or "She doesn't seem genuine."
* Ease into new relationships.
Can you trust the man you've just started dating or your new office mate? Find out by observing that person's behavior, keeping an eye out for traits you value, including honesty, concern for your feelings and discretion when talking about others. Next, share some small intimacy to see how he or she responds and whether your gesture is reciprocated, advises Gorman. How far you go depends on the type of relationship - obviously you desire a stronger connection in a romance than you do in an office friendship. In very close relationships, the goal is to be able to express your deepest fears and desires, to allow the other person to know the real you.
* Let your past inform the present.
If you sense that something is amiss, think carefully about what's arousing your suspicions. Is it really the other person's behavior, or could you be reacting to a previous experience? "Put it to the test. Think of a few things you couldn't have trusted your ex-friend or former partner with - perhaps something from your past that you're ashamed of. Reveal one to the new person and see what the outcome is," says Dr. Goulston.
* Understand the varying degrees of trust.
You can count on certain people for some things and not others. For example, maybe you know that your husband is faithful and supportive, but you can't depend on him to remember to pick up a quart of milk. Only you can say what matters most; consider whether the strengths outweigh the weaknesses and whether the other person accomdates your flaws, suggests Dr. Goulston.
* Build resilience.
"They key to trusting others is learning to handle disappointment without falling apart," says Block. "Having faith in your ability to recover frees you from feeling as though you must walk around with your guard up."
* Assess your ability to forgive.
No matter what precautions you take, you may still get hurt. When should you give someone a second chance? "In close relationships - spouses, parents, old friends - it may be in your best interest to overlook certain mistakes," says Susan Dorr Goold, M.D., director of the bioethics program at the University of Michigan Medical School in Ann Arbor. Before you do, try to determine if the person is capable of earning back your trust. "Has he or she accepted responsibility, expressed remorse and actively attempted to make things up to you?" asks Dr. Goulston. If so, you may want to work toward repairing your bond.
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It's interesting to me, in a coincidental sort of way, that I used the folder my divorce papers are in to hold up the copy while I typed it all in. Sort of makes me think back on my situation. I'm happy that Louie was able to trust me again, at least on some levels. He didn't at first, he hated me... but that's okay, I can't say that I behaved in a 100% trusting way either but the both of us did express the remorse and tried to make things up to one another for those things we did say to each other during our turbulent time. I suppose a lot of people don't get that. I guess our relationship is/was pretty solid and trusting.
My relationship with Him is absolutely trusting. I can tell Him anything and not feel like He's going to run around betraying that trust. Sometimes I have "other people" issues but I think that's mostly driven out of fear and self-esteem issues that I have learned to identify and deal with. I may not be able to stop myself from feeling as if He could betray me in those situations but I can analyze why I feel that way and determine that it's not His behavior (most times) that drives my "maddness" (because I truly do think my behavior is insane during those little fits).
He also pushes buttons a lot but not in a malicious way which I think the article forgot to imply. There's people at work who will specifically target my hot buttons just to get me riled. I loathe these types of people. They're just malicious and angry and for some reason choose to take it out on me (though usually they end up eating their words somewhere along the way because I don't continue to fall for their stupid antics.) He often pushing buttons as a way to provoke me into thinking. I think sometimes this is absolutely a valuable thing because we think more freely when we are uber-emotional. We will often say and write and think things that are more true to our real feelings than when we are calm and have too much time to overthink things. We become less complex when we're highly emotional and things just come out that we may not have said when our guards were up. I suppose that too indicates a lack of trust somewhere, or perhaps some other types of issues. With me, I just don't always like to dump my brain until I've had a chance to think things through. I don't have to worry too much about this with Him but I often find myself storing up feeligs and emotions for a time when I feel it's more convenient to share with Him because He's busy or tired and I don't want to burden Him. Sometimes He sees this and provokes me until I spill the proverbial beans. I can't say that I don't like it when he does that, but if you asked me in the heat of the moment, I'd huffily tell you "I hate it when He does this to me!" Such is the human way when emotions are high.
Well, I'm going to attempt to post this and then go and seek out some water. I just woke up at 3 (got to sleep around 9:30ish I think and was only interrupted in my slumber early by my mom and Bob... I remember the call, but nothing that was said... I hope it wasn't important...) I woke up because I had to pee so bad I had a headache and some nasty cramps. I guess that shows how little my body wanted to wake up to empty itself... it really didn't so it waited until mission critical status.
I only bumped into the walls a few times on the way to the potty and then I forced myself to stay up afterwards in hopes that I'll be able to catch some more Z's with Him when He gets home.
I need to go and tidy up the kitchen though. It's in shambles because we haven't been home all that much this week, and we've been neglecting our dishes as usual (yes yes andrea, big shock eh?)
Now to attempt to post this... our connections have been terribly slow (for cable modem at least... still not quite dial-up slow).
