2:25 p.m. - 2003-07-22
censoring feelings
This is a familiar volley... one I had hoped to avoid after the first time around but inevitably... it seems we're back here again.
In the end, my feelings are MINE and no one else's. I can choose where I wish to distribute them and where I choose not to. It's not that I'm particularly hiding anything from you but instead still working on feelings that -I- need to understand before I go spewing them about everywhere giving people just cause to chew me up and spit me out for being such a cad about somethings and being, as I've been called in the past, mean and petty.
I am annoyed with you being annoyed. You have no right to be annoyed with my choices of what I do with my thoughts even if you think you may understand my feelings if I just slapped them on the page. You have more than enough freedom to address me directly (via email since we have no other real means of communicating lately) if you have generic concerns but my point is more to the tune of, I don't have anything imperative I feel to share yet with you or everyone else who may read my journal at this time on the entirety of the subject but I have every right to state the things that are on my mind at the time including that I don't feel like writing on some things because I'm guarded about people's feelings.
I learn and grow just like everyone else on a day to day basis. My brain is still one big wound up ball of string from the last few weeks and I feel the need to sort it all out in whatever medium I decide is appropriate and then, when I'm damn good and ready, I'll lay it on the line. If I don't lay it out here, you can ask. I won't stop you and I don't think anyone else will try to either.
You know that I am always perfectly honest with you and if I thought my brain had anything of relevance in regards to you in it right now that I'd drop it on you... I'm rather good at that aren't I? Just laying into you sometimes when I feel the need? I'm certain you won't argue that fact.
The point...
stop grieving so much about what I do and don't write. If it bugs you ask, or else stop thinking about it and wait until something relevant and worth writing pops into my head and see what you get out of it then.
Nothing I have in my head is really about you anyway... it's all about me, my thoughts on the weekend (most of which have already been laid out either in my journal or via our conversations), and my thoughts on getting to know H who is really in a different place than you. I'm trying to justify everything in my head before being rifled with questions and potential insecurity issues in regards to your spot in my life. You have handled this change well. Much better than any other before and I am proud of you and this I can state without hesitation.
I'm just tired so forgive me my restless brain matter and the ways in which I choose to phrase things. The weeks at work have been boring and I think my brain is restless and convoluted in result. I am anxiously awaiting getting the hell away from this place again so that I can occupy myself with something more interesting than hours of reading MSNBC and troubleshooting issues for the stupid people who work here and keep losing access to the things they need to do their job because they're too stupid to check their work... *sigh*
Quiet time will be important for me sometime soon. Time just spent sitting around somewhere with my laptop or a notebook and staring at the wall for hours at a time. I lose whole days like this sometimes.
Of course, this whole bit could be caused by the early presence of progesterone in my body and it's normally pissy reaction to such a change too and it could all be resolved in my head by Friday and this whole series of posts could be considered null and void.
Sometimes I don't even write all my thoughts in my private journals... why would I post them at all if they weren't ready to come out?
I think that's my problem right now.
I'm still processing and I seem to have a CPU down or missing... *smiles* nothing like a good geek joke to make myself smile... I'm such a dork sometimes.
