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9:31 a.m. - 2003-07-22
Just one of those days...
i am emotional today...

and it really sort of sucks.

I get no sleep (or crappy sleep) all weekend and yesterday, I'm just mildly grouchy. Last night, sleep nearly 10 hours and today I seem to be an emotional basketcase. What gives?

I wonder if it's because I'm screwing with my cycle again by changing to "Sunday start" with my bc? Who knows but consequently I'm a raging ocean of emotions that just wants to drown the entire shoreline full of people just so that I don't have to DEAL with anyone.

I suppose on some levels it could be expected considering how the weekend has gone. Reading everyone's reactions to it as well just sort of either irked me or made me sad in many ways. It's so strange really.

The weekend, for me, was a decent weekend. One not filled with drama and not really filled with anything monumental in the way of progress or accomplishments or breakthroughs. It was a good weekend with friends and learning to get to know each other. I had my share of emotional outbreaks but I fielded them well and told Him when I needed to tell Him... or at least when I got the chance.

*sighs* It's funny... all at the same time I need to write and don't want to write and have nothing to write about. Maybe I'm just bored, which is entirely possible. Just too much time to overthink things, which is entirely possible. Perhaps I should take His advice and write privately and see what the hell comes out of my head. I have a feeling whatever it is probably doesn't stem from this weekend. It's just strange that it's floating around now and I don't have any idea what the hell my problem is.

I suppose in some ways I just want to separate everyone. It sometimes gets too complicated to deal with everyone at once, especially when I'm still trying to get to know one person and then everyone else is trying at the same time. I'm surprised H isn't expressing an equal amount of frustration with this situation. I think I'm just flustered because I'm all tired and such. I should just give it time.

I also wonder if H's thoughts on everything that is going on saddens me because I can empathize with where she is and it makes me sad to see someone else going through that part of their life. While at the same time I know that she will result in a stronger person I can also identify strongly with the feelings she's got rolling around inside her. I've HAD those wordless conversations. I've listened to the tears both with and without shedding those of my own. *sighs* Maybe it just brings back some of the experience of this I went through, especially since I'm still waiting to hear back from him about the 12th of August when I told him we could sign our papers.

I'm also resistant to explain my feelings surrounding H because I fear andrea's reactions to my thoughts. Though the majority of me wants to believe she'd understand that it's just my reflections, past experiences have chosen to display that the logical process of my thought does not always result in understanding but instead in total misunderstanding and anger, among other emotions. I'm just not willing to go through all that again so... I'll find another medium upon which I will vent my brain on all things H until they are sorted out and can be presented in such a way as not to threaten andrea.

Sounds like I'm editing myself and I suppose in some ways I am. Strange though that I'd edit myself about one person to preserve the feelings of another. I suppose it's a combination of not wanting to deal with the possibility of irrational behavior in regards to my reflections and just plain unsettlement with my own thoughts that I've not taken or had the time to sort through yet.

Perhaps I'll just get over myself and write here. If I keep writing long enough I may just do that. I don't really want to talk to anyone here at work today anyway. I've just put on my headphones... not that it will particularly matter since most people can't see them because they hide under my hair, but oh well...

I've got to fill out paperwork for my classes. Don needs it by tomorrow. I've no idea why and it may change but I guess I'll work on that for a while... see where my brain leaves me after that and perhaps write more later (though everytime I say that I never seem to get back here with any type of rational thing to say.)

I guess we'll see what my brain feels like producing.

 

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