9:01 a.m. - 2003-07-18
Fears & the ocean's roar...
it's funny sometimes how resolute desires become overtaken so easily by carnal needs. sometimes i wonder if it's a function of my being free within my role and abandoning the world's preoccupancies to follow some form of "controlled" free will. yeah, that was a mouthful...
basically speaking, what i'm trying to say is that i often wonder if i'm so quick to let go of the hang-ups i often have in regards to relationship with people and their function within my life BECAUSE of my relationship and my status with Him. with Him there is no resonsibility other than behaving in a manner that is pleasing and making sure that i represent Him and "the house" at all times in a way that will reflect well on Him. that's funny only because it sounds so cliche but it's so very applicable. i guess it's part of the sci-fi portion of society vs. reality for me.
anyway... there are things i like to wait for. mistakes i've made in the past that i care not to repeat again in my future. things that i wish could happen in such and such a way but hardly ever do or will. i've been wrong. i've been right. hardly ever been indifferent. fear.
i've been asked on multiple occassions what i'm afraid of. the global answer has always been of growing old and/or dying completely alone. i've come to realize on some level that my fear is now somewhat unfounded given the lifestyle that i have chosen and the support system that it carries along with it but still... it will always be my greatest fear.
then there are the "other" fears. fears about people. about moving things along in some manner or another. about going to far. about violating someone's space or guidelines. about becoming some raging lunatic for no good reason... yeah, so that one's just applicable one weekend a month but ANYWAY ;)
i don't know that i classify everything as a fear. while i can acknowledge that my actions and reactions are partially driven from something that can be interpreted as fear i think that most of the reservations and opinions and suppositions that i hold are there as a result of some kind of past cause and effect situation and a fear of recurrance.
i am, by nature, somewhat of a perfectionist (or at least anally retentive about a good many things) and it's deploreable to me to make the same types of mistakes multiple times without taking something from said situations. i think perhaps that sometimes that causes me to be overly cautious and perhaps sometimes even counter-productive to my causes. so then, sometimes, i sit there and think about whether or not i'm actually holding myself back from things that i could just be enjoying without so much forethought and expense on my part.
could i be just enjoying life more and worrying less about the mistakes of the past?
my initial answer to myself is a resounding yes.
then the stupid little voice inside my head chimes in "but with that plan you will get hurt, and you will hurt others" which promptly fizzles and wilts any resolution that i had toward the positive answer to the question.
He would say i overthink things.
my answer would be, that's the person that i am and always have been. i will probably always be that way.
i have learned to let some things go. to take them for what they are and have grown to realize that there are indeed things that will happen that are outside of my control no matter what my influence is on the situation.
i've learned many things that three years ago i had never realized. i continue to learn more every day. about myself. about the people around me and about those that come into and filter out of my life on a regular basis.
i've become a stronger person but every 'rock' has it's weak points. i am not a 'rock', perhaps just a pebble at this point but perhaps someday i'll get there...
every pebble must be hammered against the rocks by the roar of the oceans, break, and build up again to grow stronger and become part of the rocks upon which future pebbles will break and grow.
i am learning...
