9:59 a.m. - 2003-06-12
stuck at home with a truck on my head
yay. home sick. love it... NOT!
like i told my boss this morning, i could have chosen a better day to be sick, He (not my boss, well... at least not my -work- boss) has to work a double today. so homebound and bored all day will i be. hopefully i'll be able to sleep at some point though... i didn't do so well at that last night.
feels like someone has parked a truck on my head again. i swear i go through this every year... i hate it. welcome to allergies and playing in the rain i suppose!
i wonder if i would have gotten sick faster if we'd have really played in the mud as we had planned? i guess we'll not know now. the weekend somehow wasn't very conducive to playing in the mud. the good times to do so were cold in one way or another.
my reactions to camp are kind of on delay like so many other activities i've participated in the past in some regards. i can easily say i had a good time this past weekend though there were, as always, a fair share of ups and downs. part of me doesn't really want to think about writing here and i suppose that's the part that's reluctant to talk but sometimes it's good to keep that particular voice in check because it has a loose tongue and often speaks without thinking. silly part of me. i think i'll just called that part "personality #3". #1 being normal me (if there is such a thing) and #2 reserved for future use. i just don't think the loose lipped personality deserves #2 rating.
i have a feeling camp would have been a little bit different had it not rained the majority of the weekend. it put a damper on many of the events, mostly by having to reschedule or relocate them due to the conditions of the camp at any given time. to some extent it seemed much more disconnected than BR, for example, but it was a much more laid-back, "no need to rush" kind of event which is exactly what i needed at this point. of course, then i come back to work and people promptly piss me off right away again... *sighs* will the maddness ever end?
(Note to self: talk about thoughts on Tara, jobs, and moving around)
i did get to have some very special times with Him at camp though and it helped me empty out some things i've been carrying around buried for a while. He, of course, gave me a mini-lecture about holding those things in instead of just talking to Him about them but it's not always that simple in my head since i'm almost always thinking of what's best for Him. to me, knowing all of my issues is relatively secondary to Him being successful at school. and He's done so wonderfully so far that i refuse to be the stick in the mud that drags Him away from His work because i'm being needy. sometimes i still do... but probably not half as often as i'd like to.
we had some good scenes, and even one, to me, accidental, scene which left me with a splendid singletail cut just under my left breast. it's pretty... but it certainly wasn't happy one bit at first. so much dirt at the campground i had to spend nearly a half hour cleaning it out the next morning. then only to find out that i am allergic to the bandaids i was using to cover it... grrr! stupid skin!
we tried out the new "Spankmeister" relative of the "Green Monster" spanking bench. they're pretty much the same except the Spankmeister uses different angles and is pretty comfortable. i didn't really get up into the Green Monster, it looked uncomfy. i liked my experience on the Spankmeister though. i was fortunate enough to be a singletail target on there... it was nice. i think next time i'll asked to be strapped down... knowing that i can't squirm away or sit upright will add to the experience i think... strange how that works, but it probably will.
barbara nitke took a bunch of photos of us this weekend too, which i'm dying to see but the camp photos aren't up yet... *grumbles* i'm impatient. i may hate most of them, it's entirely possible but i want to see them. there's even pictures of Kristy and i in the cage together... those should be interesting. and i'm also interested in seeing pictures of everyone else. the pony show, the Renn Faire, Mardi Gras, all of them. it's like putting together the rest of the puzzle of the things i saw and missed all at the same time.
i posted to the camp web site yesterday asking if it's time to come back yet... after all, we did come home and go back to work, surely that's enough to merit another trip. i look forward to next year just to see how it comes off... well, at least i'm hoping for better weather to see what that may change.
i wonder how many of the same people go to Crucible? hopefully we'll be able to find out about that in the first person as well. have to wait and see i suppose. need to start saving for that. have to try to fanagle some sort of savings from my paycheck somehow. i'll have to work on that.
thinking a lot lately, and a lot of realizations scene related and non-scene related. as per my note to myself about one of my personal realizations this week/weekend was that perhaps i'm not cut out for the private sector for work. staying in one place for a long period of time is nice in many ways and provides incredible job stability and a deeper knowledge base but the people start to become somewhat annoying at some point. i'm wondering if that's mostly due to the amount of pressure everyone is under to get so much done by a certain period of time. we're severely understaffed and the DBA team is out straight. it doesn't really help that two people are out for the entire month of June either.
in general i guess i started thinking about the fact that, for me, maybe staying in one place is sort of like a safety blanket. i don't like physically moving my stuff all the time, so i think, on the home front, it will be nice to eventually pick a space and call it home for an extended period of time but work... sometimes i just don't know what i think my philosophy is about it. i didn't like being a consultant and travelling all the time or having the risk of such at least. i didn't like not being able to aquire deeper skill sets in one or two concentrated areas. now, of course, i have that. i've done that. i've deepened my skill set significantly and i'm good at what i do and it's recognized. but i'm restless again. i guess i need to find my next goal and see what it takes to get me to it.
more realizations about the differences between myself and other people and that leads to potential reasons about why i don't always understand things that certain people do. every now and then i have these little epiphanies about people in my life and usually i don't note them here but since i've been attempting to reconcile a lot of things in my head i put some measure of importance on things like this. i'll always hope for a deeper understanding of situations and personal endeavors to discover them are helpful but not often truly complete so at some point i'll get it straight enough in my head to sort things in such a way as to present a discussion about it all. or perhaps maybe i won't have to initiate such a talk... another case of "i guess we'll see".
bought father's day cards for my gramp and dad while i was out getting tissues and lozenges this morning. sometimes i don't know why i bother but perhaps there are a couple of reasons. the sadistic side of me likes to think it's my way of reminding my dad that he does indeed have a daughter that he doesn't talk to at all anymore past "hi kid". the other part of it is that i still love him no matter how much of an asshole he is and can excel at being at various points. "and so are the days of our lives..."
i'm getting tired. i think i'll check my work email one more time and then think about laying down for a while to see if i can sleep uninterrupted for any period of time. i think i may have a temperature, which would be nice because then once i push through that maybe i'll feel better. i hate being sick... it just plain sucks.
perhaps more later.
