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8:12 a.m. - 2003-05-07
All hail James!

James has to be one of the most fun cartoons to read every morning. Today's is just funny since it's often a subject in many of the conversations in our lives. The difference between wants and needs. I think his explanation works quite well :D

I wanted to write yesterday but instead, I did work... shame on me eh? And besides, I don't know that I had a whole lot important to write about. Just like now but I had to write, at the very least to make sure I posted this comic. It cracks me up.

I wondered this morning on the way to work if by not addressing things in my head as of late I was just going to let them slide by until the next time they come up. Today, I feel like that will likely be how things happen but strangely I'm resistant to it. I suppose my biggest problem has been not being able to find the beginning of the thread in the large heap of multicolored twisted thread-pile that has moved into my brain.

A lot of questions. A lot of things never asked. Much not talked about. I guess that's the way it happens sometimes. I didn't ask them because I didn't want to, it's more like I didn't ask because I didn't see the answers forthcoming in a manner that was conducive to conversation. Maybe I was a bit irked (no, sometimes I was indeed a irked) but either way, it didn't happen. Still trying to figure that one out. Don't know actually that that is my place to figure out either.. still working on that one too.

***

Sometimes I'm obstinant about my past. People in my past. Events in my past. Sometimes I'd rather just leave them in the places that they chose to reside in my mind and in or out of my life and just not deal with them. Mainly because doing so would open a can of worms that has, in my opinion, probably long since soured, died, and begun to rot readily. Why go opening something like that when things are peachy keen and perfectly clean aired around you?

In the particular case in my mind, I don't want to go back to where I know it would take me. On some level even in the case of a bad ending, sometimes the story was sweet enough to remember up to a certain point, then the rest is better forgotten. Historically speaking things haven't been so smooth and calm since the story ended and quite frankly, I don't like making things worse than they already have been. There's just no sense in it to me.

My brain hurts just thinking about the potential environment. Too much stress there. I'm happy. I'd just like to keep it that way.

Maybe it seems like an escapist point of view but in that view, I know I am not the only one adopting it. A lot of people use it and have used it and will probably continue to use it. I've gotten better at avoiding it for the most part but there are still some areas of my past that I just choose to escape from.

I am lucky though, I suppose. In the past, when things went bad (mostly while I was growing up and in high school) I managed to gain an amazing capacity for wiping out the memories that hurt the most. I lost a lot of wonderful memories with that trick. I lost an entire relationship with that trick once. It wasn't until I started trying to bring back bits and pieces of that relationship (I remember when he and I talked and the sad look on his face when I told him I couldn't remember much of anything... it hurt me to see that look) that I realized how proficient I had become at my tactic. I don't DO that anymore. It's not a good trick! I don't like it!

Makes me wonder what the hell else I brainwashed myself of before the Blake era (because that's about the last time I used that trick)... I figure I'll probably find some stuff as I continue rummaging through my mental closets.

Mental closets are interesting. I have to say I've dusted mine out significantly over the past couple of years but there's still probably some dust bunnie skeletons from hell in there! It's amazing how we manage to push things to the back. Of course, in a regular closet, real life, not mental, we do the same thing I suppose. Pull things out, dust them off and when we realize how ugly they might be, shove them back deep into the closet.

Then there's spring cleaning. Open the trash bag and start tossing stuff in, stopping every now in then in our haste to quietly place something (good or bad) to the side to keep for later, whether we understand why or not. Sometimes we think about why, sometimes we don't.

I'd like to think I've cleaned out enough of my closet to at least allow me to put up shelves... those which now, I'm forced into the task of sorting the heap onto the shelves in some sort of organized fashion. Perhaps still somewhat disorganized too.

I'm feeling vague today. Like I'm not all here. Perhaps I'm just tucked away in my thoughts. Not a bad thing completely. It could also be that I'm just feeling absolutely BLAH due to what I'm deeming to be my allergies. Stupid things! I'm sort of all congested today, have to keep clearing my throat which certainly isn't helping me along my path of recovery from my little incident this weekend, in fact, it's aggrivating it because every 5 seconds when I'm talking I have to clear my throat! Owie!

Ahh well, I need some breakfast I suppose... going to bug Ken and see if he's ready to go too.

maybe I'll write more later...

 

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