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8:51 a.m. - 2003-04-30
Just another day...
Email has just sucked lately.

It's got to be the weather. Nobody's inside, everyone is outside enjoying the weather and whamo, I'm stuck inside at work. And the days I'm not stuck inside, it's raining. I can't win!

Work is as usual... I'll leave it at that.

Kristy will be here tomorrow :) That's fun. Haven't been able to talk to her much though since her computer is on the fritz... kind of frustrating. I'm planning on calling her tonight just to make sure that everything is all set and to let her know to call me when she gets to RI so I can make sure I'm home when she gets there. I have a meeting scheduled for 3. I'm hoping that doesn't last too long so I can skitter home and wait for her.

Have to call the bank today too and make an appointment to see if we can get preapproved for any amount of money suitable enough for buying a larger domain in which to reside. I'm not all that hopeful but I guess we'll see. I shouldn't be negative but sometimes, when the bills are staring me in the face, I just can't help it. This bank has surprised me a few times before, perhaps they'll do so again.

I'm hoping this weekend will be a quiet one too. Work-wise especially. I don't think there's too much going on this weekend so I should be all set. I just hate it when work interrupts all of my visits so here's me crossing my fingers and doing all those "good luck" things to try to ensure my peace of mind for the weekend.

Looking forward to having the time to talk to Kristy too. Sometimes we have these wonderfully deep, philosophical conversations. I love seeing the way people's minds work, and it's fun to hear their opinions and such on various subjects.

Munch tomorrow night too... that should be cool. Andrea is more than a touch PO'd that we vetoed her coming down for the munch and then driving home. It's a principles thing and she was quite angry about the decision on Sunday. I'm sure she's still peeved. It's amazing that we all go through the same types of phases. I wonder if it's all a part of "growing out" (as opposed to just growing up).

It's weird how sometimes small things make me think of my own development... I wonder if that's self-centered of me. I guess it really doesn't matter much, self-reflection isn't a particularly bad no matter where it comes from. I remember when I was still living at home with Louie and trying to move forward with my training with Him and I felt terribly disconnected. I felt left out when He went out with Gayle to clubs. I felt lost if I didn't seen Him on any given day online. I was filled with doubt about if I could ever be good enough. I was constantly in fear of someone becoming more important than me. I was afraid of Him and what He thought of me. Toss that in with the confusion about how everything was supposed to work in my colliding lives... vanilla vs. kink... and my life became on some levels simply unbearable.

I remember always wanting to be doing something for Him or being on the receiving end of any blows or practice or anything physical that He may be doing. I remember trying to balance my feelings when there were others around, trying not to be jealous, trying not to be resentful of the person getting the attention. Online I was much worse than I ever was/have been in real life. I find that strange, but online, it was much more cut throat. Of course, that's because people can lie and cheat their ways into your position. Once I found real life, the online antics became ridiculous and I think that's part of the reason I started shying away from my online communities. I was sick of the games people play and I was learning how to be my own person. I had more access to people with solid knowledge. I had more access to people who were marked as "safe" and I found a "family" larger than just the immediate people in my life. And it was good.

Patience. Sometimes it's very hard to come by, and I know that just as well as the next person. I have to learn to be patient too. Everyday. It's not easy for me to spend most of my time "vanilla" but it's necessary right now until life levels out and school is taken care of. Eventually it would be nice to have a job that requires less of my time so I can spend more doing things for him but that too is a few years off at the very least. I miss my leather family in CT. I haven't been there in a very long time and I don't want to go back by myself but soon I probably will. Pretty soon our membership is up anyway, I'll have to go to renew. Hmm... we're renewing as a couple this year. That will be different...

We got our membership things from Black Rose not so long ago. That's cool too. I was thinking about laminating them so they don't get ruined. We'll have to renew in July but that's okay, I'm glad to be associated with another group. The discounts don't hurt either but BR is a good group, they do a lot of classes and such. Wish I lived closer to DC, but I don't want to move either

Work is interfering and since I have to go to a meeting as soon as this conference call is over I have to go see someone (someone I don't like working with at that... joy) and work through what they need for tables for a proof of concept that we already told them will fail. In other words, a waste of my time. We all know how Tara LOVES wasting her time! *sighs*

Life goes on!

Thank goodness it's beautiful out.

 

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