4:01 p.m. - 2003-04-22
semi-regular brain dump
Life is always so damn interesting. Things happen� people change, and change again just after you think you've gotten used to the new them� opportunities present themselves and sometimes just as easily remove themselves from the running.
I've done a lot of thinking lately about change. I suppose unrest in areas of my life (mainly work lately) cause me to think some about change. Throw my Easter trip to see the family onto that and it just sprouts change ALL over the place!
I write to my best friend all day while we're at work. When we were younger our relationship was so different than it is now. It's strange but we've actually grown closer over the years despite the fact that our lives have taken us in two seriously different directions. She and I� we're completely different people with barely an ounce of anything in common other than those things and experiences we've shared over our seventeen (OMG! 17!!!) years of friendship. (I'm feeling old right now� *takes a moment to mourn*) We've been opposites since the very beginning of our friendship and from my opinion remain so even to this day, but we share our friendship which seems to far outweigh any of the earthly differences between us and I'm eternally glad for such a relationship in my life.
I can't tell her everything of course, because, like with all friends, I'm afraid that at some point I'll tell her something that will completely freak her out and scare her away, but I think we all do that with some topics of our lives. She knows I'm kinky, she is fine with that� often uses it as good joke fodder. She's a goof. But I digress.
The other day when I wrote my entry about how I've changed and how I feel around my family and some other people I got to talking to her about it too. She mentioned that she and Jame had discussed how much I've changed over the past few years, and she inquired as to whether my family does the same thing� talks about how much I've changed� whether they've noticed or not. My guess is yes, they have noticed but whether they talk about it or not, I'm not sure. I think it's quite possible that my aunts would indeed talk about something like that, at the same time I'm not sure it's important to them really because they understand how important they all are to me even if I don't get to see them all that often any more. I love my family dearly and they are all very intelligent people but I often wonder if any of them are capable of such internal reflection as to discuss the changes they see in me. I don't know. And honestly, I can't say that I care if they do talk about me or if they don't�
I think I've gotten better at dealing with change than I ever used to be. However, there are still things I deal with on a regular basis that I often wonder if I'll EVER get any better at accepting. Moving my stuff is one of them. I hate putting my stuff into boxes. I think it's a left over trauma from my childhood when I sometimes had to watch my dad putting his stuff in trash bags when my mom kicked him out of the house. I used to cry and cry and cry when I saw him doing that, and he'd just send me back downstairs to stay with my uncle and memire until he was gone. Moving however has been a positive change in my life and I'm glad that I could do it. I guess I�m starting to look beyond the fear of the changes and find the good things about them� of course, looking beyond them doesn't mean all my stuff makes it into boxes ;) lots of it still gets just tossed/placed into the back of my vehicle until it reaches it's next destination. Heh heh.
Change. People constantly come into and out of our lives. Some set up camp outside the perimeter of our lives, living separately and being acquaintances more than permanent facets in our lives. Others move right on in and set up shop on what I consider my stomping grounds (loose use of the word "my" here because it denotes a sense of belonging rather than a sense of ownership) and tread on land that I'm not used to seeing footprints on, but, I've gotten much better with these situations too. Sometimes I get disgruntled when their footsteps fall too closely to my own when I'm walking next to someone I care about but usually a good conversation can clean up those issues nowadays providing the person cares to sit down and rationally discuss the issues.
Do other people sometimes threaten my delicate balance? Oh yes! I'm not going to lie to anyone, myself included, there! Do I sometimes get irrational and over-reactive? Yes. I've come to realize it's a personality quirk I've inherited from my mom� gee, thanks mom! At least I recognize it, which is the first step in learning how to mitigate the consequences of the whole mess. I think I'm still dealing with it in an improper way sometimes though. Sometimes I choose to suppress things rather than bring them up right away. It's just easier not to disrupt the WHOLE balance by conveniently burying the little things� until the hole fills up of course and the crap starts pouring out. It all comes out eventually. And like other things that I've gotten better at dealing with, I'm hoping my time to deal with these types of things will come soon and not at the expense of anyone standing in my way or trying to enter my life.
With all the thought about change floating around (it seems to be a universal subject lately among the ladies in my life and my life too) I suppose it brings the things that are interwoven into priority position. Those things often beg analysis and often some sort of resolution, but the truth is, I don't spend my life looking for resolutions, I take the time to make the adjustments I need to as things come along, and even though that's probably a slower, more painful process, it works for me.
Here's my view on a few things lately:
Do I fear being replaced or displaced in His life?
Yes. Always. That's the way it will always be and though I sometimes have a difficult time dealing with the fictions that I tend to make up in my head, I'm trying, I'm trusting and I'll grow.
Do I fear Kristy or andrea will replace me in His life?
No.
Is that because I think they couldn't do it?
No. It's because I feel like if it became a real issue, I could talk to them and to Him about the situation. This, I suppose, some would say is a huge leap of faith on my part� trusting myself to talk about the situation, however, I -have- grown up enough to know that if I don't open my mouth about something, it will become a larger issue.
Do I fear that His spending time with Kristy or andrea will take away from my time with Him?
Oh hell yes! However, I recognize that it is my responsibility to speak up when I need the time with Him or when I feel I am being displaced or am feeling jealous.
Am I hostile about the possibilities of these developing relationships as things change and move around us, such as the possibility of Kristy moving up here for school and/or the potential situation that andrea may some day also come to live with us?
No, not hostile. I consider things like how much I value my privacy and how much I like things my certain way and am often a hellcat when forced to conform to someone else's way of doing thing (not His, because well, His way is the way it will be). I don't think I'd lose any of these things completely but yes, they will be harder to come by in some situations. That's where the whole business of learning to live together becomes and issue and establishing of personal space and time. It helps me that in the "rank and file" aspect of my living situation that I am the established one, but that's what's left of the control freak in me and I know that I could be stripped of that at any moment, which is scary, yes, but again, I'll adjust and find a way.
Do I think it will be smooth sailing for any of these relationships?
Hells no! I think the word "relationship" alone entails hours of misery to balance out the bliss and contentment that often occurs. Nothing worth having is easily obtained.
Do I expect anything specific out of any of the relationships?
Just from my relationship with Him, and even on some levels that's still idealistic of me. For the girls in my life (and I should clarify that "girls" also includes my best friends on some levels), I don't "expect" anything but a friendship that is healthy and honest and open. Past that, things do get complicated and those things need to be discussed mutually to work out. That's just the way life is. I can't magically make Kristy or andrea my girlfriends simply by wanting it to happen. It just doesn't work that way nor do such assumptions make for healthy relationships. People are flexible but everyone has a bending and breaking point� some things just don't happen as magically as we may like it to.
Right now the things that are important to me are as follows (in no specific order):
My relationship with Him and all it's quirks. This is my primary priority at all times as I am His, and hope that I will always have that space in His life. I will fight tooth and nail and do anything that it takes to make sure I do -my- personal best to be the best for him at all times.
Building my friendship and the starting "relationship" with Kristy. I placed relationship in quotes for a reason. I don't mean relationship in the romantic sense� strangely though I feel strongly for her, I currently am not seeking that relationship in a deeper sense. To me, that means it's just not time yet. For either of us. While I'm quite content to be a part of her life I don't want to become so important that she loses track of the things she is doing for herself currently. Those things are far more important that any romantic interest could ever be. I learned this the hard way. She has to do for herself first, and be comfortable with herself and confident in the choices she makes in her life before she can completely share that with another person and be happy. *smiles* I may not be that person in the end, and I am content with that too because I'm here now, being her friend, helping her where I can and where she'll let me and I intend on being here as that person for as long as she'll have me.
Working on my relationship with andrea. (insert above subtext about the word "relationship" here) Honestly, we don't understand each other hardly at all. That's sort of the beauty of the whole thing except sometimes it causes delirious gaps in our friendship. My relationship with her in my head, has always been one with the intent of molding her in to what she has said she wants to become. My frustration with that mission becomes apparent often and we both get frustrated. I am happy that she has made strides in her life. It is my firm belief that she still needs to make further strides to mature and be ready for what it is she asked for when she joined up with us. That is my point of view, and I'm devilishly difficult to please and she knows that well. Sometimes she responds to that well, other times she does not. She has grown though and will continue to grow. I baffle her with my often non-physical ways. In my life I find some things not important at all in expressing my relationships with others and that varies somewhat with her point of view of the world and her expression of self. This is what makes us unique and it's a beautiful thing in it's own frustrating way. I don't ever suspect that things will be easy between the two of us because we're so very different but I don't expect our differences to come between our friendship. I am often not a physical person. Yes, I do enjoy it some of the time but currently I'm nearly girl-snuggle-time averse. I think it's a function of the activities in my life currently and who knows, maybe it'll come back around but I can't guess that. It's just how things are.
Working on me. I spend a lot of time self-reflecting. He and I have had discussions recently about the skeletons I've done battle with since I made all the changes in my life. It makes me look back on the things and changes I've forgotten about and take no notice of anymore. It makes me further assess the demons and skeletons I have left to do battle with. Lots of thinking. Lots and lots of thinking.
Unfortunately work has interrupted in this little (ha ha) entry I've got going on here. Plus, I'll (hopefully) be leaving soon so I think I'll just post for now. I know I haven't touched upon half of the things I had in my head when I started writing this but somehow I don't think it's lacking in a good portion of the items on my list. Hopefully I'll be able to write more again soon. To clarify things that I feel have been left open ended and that I wrote in perhaps not the clearest way in this entry. There's just so much more to working on my relationships with Kristy and andrea than I put here. So much room for misunderstanding with what I've written here already� I need to clarify.
Don't fall victim to pre-guessing my thoughts� I've discovered that doesn't work out well. Ask me questions, be patient with me and all my thoughts will come out in time.
