8:04 a.m. - 2003-04-21
babble
Yesterday I spent part of easter with my family...
It's strange really to be sitting in a chair you've sat in since you were little, in a yard that was always a wonderful place to play, watching your cousin's children playing like we used to, spending time around people that have always been a comfort to you and to hear in the back of your head the famous Sesame Street song "One of these things is not like the other..."
At one point I stated to myself that I have become a snob. Of course, it's true on some levels, I won't deny it, but I'm reassessing the situation in my head to see if there's another rational explanation.
It was weird being with my family. I'm so out of touch with everything they do on a day to day basis and find that while they're talking about it... I'm not really interested and sometimes, frighteningly enough, even somewhat disgusted by some of it. Mostly the disgusted parts came from the excessive use of alcohol in the stories or some such. It's strange, and it made me think a lot about it on the way home.
I love them. Every last one of them (my dad included of which the entirety of my conversation with him yesterday was *me in a regular non-jubilant-voice* "hi dad" *he replies somewhat playfully with the searing smell of alcohol on his breath* "oh! I still have a kid?" *my dead pan reply accompanied by the same kind of look* "yeah... you do.") I'd fight to my last breath to protect any last one of them because that's what family is to us... we're a family that watches out for each other. But it's so strange that we are so different. And it's not just my aunts and uncles, it's my cousins too and so I can't even blame it on a generation gap. I see promise in two of my cousins to break the family tradition of alcohol and staying locally, I'll keep my fingers crossed for them.
By the way, my dad left without saying good-bye... of course this is no surprise because when I saw him get up and go to see Gram I picked myself up and went into the house. I guess I have a problem with saying good-bye to my drunk father (who my gram had said wasn't drinking lately... oh the gossip abounds around that one.... *rolls her eyes*) and I also didn't want to get in an argument with him should he start poking at me about the whole divorce thing (he and my mom's divorce)... though, I know he wouldn't... he's still scared of me... perhaps that's why our relationship has turned so far south.
It's scary to me to think that I could just about give up travelling up to see them on the holidays... I just feel too separate. My gram and Amy and Mark are usually the ones I feel most comfortable with but I think that as a function of my physical distance from everyone, I'm kind of ostracized just because I'm not "in the loop". I don't think they do it on purpose, no, I know they don't... it's just... weird...
*grumbles as her mom pops up in AIM* I don't like talking to my mom about my dad anymore... it irritates me. puts me in the middle of sorts, but i guess i put myself there mostly in my head because, well, in the whole scheme of things... I -am- in the middle.. i'm part of both of them but a separate person all my own...
ahh the joys of being an only child!
I'm talkative today... don't feel like working but instead philosophizing on all kinds of things. I'm in the mood to talk to Him but He's doing homework and i'm trying not to be a pest... i miss Him though... i wish we had more time together when we weren't tired or frustrated or just feeling generally antisocial... lately i've wanted to just babble and babble but sometimes after work He just looks so tired and doesn't seem to really be hearing me so i just talk myself out and close my hole and try to find something to entertain myself with... i swear sometimes i'm like a 3 year old.
But we have Yu-Gi-Oh... i'm glad to have something that, at least for now, i share with Him only (and the assorted kids we duel with at the card shop).
I keep staring off into space, lost in my own thoughts. I think it's going to be one of those days. I should have asked Him to bring me to work... oh well... too late now.
I miss Amherst... I miss driving around and seeing all the college kids. I miss the green of the valley and just everything in general. I know that going back wouldn't be the same... it never is... always different.
I'm wondering if I miss the area itself or how simple life seemed when I was out there... even after college. I think a lot has to do with this job and Him working and going to school. *smiles* I'm proud though... can't help it. He'll tell me i'm silly but that's okay, i can still be proud of Him anyway.
Scatterbrained today. Thoughts wafting... don't feel like working and doing a pretty productive job at not doing anything of purpose so far.
It looks at though Don is out... guess I'll be able to escape early as long as things don't go terribly awry. *crosses fingers* i'd much rather spend a nice afternoon today with Him than here being bored and grumpy (i'm tired still from this weekend).
Speaking of this weekend... i'm looking forward to my three hours ;) i wonder if i'll survive that long :-D
have a few things to take care of so i suppose i'll go and do those...
whee...
have a good one folks.
