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8:59 a.m. - 2003-02-27
an angry sort of day...
i'm have this angry sort of day. when even the smallest things annoy me and send me off into this tizzy of emotion. and to boot i'm in this strangely philosophical mood about various different things too... stupid stuff, like usual but that strange thread of thought that only seems to produce philosophical discussions with myself while in the bathroom... now those were the days... heh heh... back when i was at CSC and would have bathroom epiphanies all the time.. yeah. those were indeed interesting days.

i've been writing a bit about my development in the lifestyle. it's weird the places that i find myself stalling. the things that i don't really want to write about, not because i don't want to relive them but mostly because i'm just not sure i can convey the whole assortment of occurrances. it gets complicated at a certain point when there were all kinds of people in my life with varying levels of absolute importance... and i wonder while i'm writing, "if it's this hard to write about the beginnings of some of these relationshp what's it going to be like to write about the ends?" makes one thoughtful on many levels.

i'm still anti-people lately though... i'm working on that by working on me. using my anti-people time for myself, i joined Curves... so it's time for me to hit the gym currently three times a week though, to fill my nights i may just go more after a while... have to give my muscles time to get a little acclimated to all the work again... my calves are killing me from a set of ten, yes, my friends, just 10 calf extensions. it feels like someone is trying to tear my calf muscles out from behind my knee... pleasant indeed, i can't wait to go tonight so they will loosen the heck up again. it's funny though because the pain doesn't really hurt hurt. it affects how i walk and such because when the muscles just don't want to stretch, you end up walking kind of goofy for the first few steps but, it reminds me of starting at UMass and the dreadful treks up the hill every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. everyone who lived on the hill had great calves

i got a raise and a bonus this week... it's too bad i couldn't get extra money like that every month, it's nice to see my checking account with that much money in it :) but it will go to pay off bills and buy myself something nice. i'm thinking of buying the leather trench i keep looking at, and perhaps checking out digital cameras even though everytime i think of it my innards curl up at the thought of how artistically coarse the thought is... i keep having to reassure my artsy fartsy side that my 35mm will not be left to collect dust... boy my multi-personalities get agitated sometimes! ;)

i had considered taking a vacation with the money... i mean, it's extra money and getting away right now would be spectacular. just leaving all the crap behind and plunking myself somewhere warm for three or so days would probably do my soul some good but no... i'm going to be practical because if i'm practical now, later, there will be more money for being frivolous. have to pay off the credit cards... need to get rid of those balances! i should take the time again to sit down and look at where the bill money is going every month and see if there's a more economical way for me to be doling out the cash. i have cards that i want the balances lowered or gone on but the lowest ones are the ones with the lowest interest rates so... hmmm... which to pay off. i suppose in the end it doesn't really matter which i pick as long as they get paid off. one would think i'd have more money spending so much time at home. *laughs* not so true.

i suppose i should do some work. though i really am not feeling the work vibe today. i'm cranky, tired and irritable. if i was smart i'd go to bed early again tonight but i don't like going to bed without Him. i like to have Him there... He's warm :) He snuggles :) and lately, i want only to be near Him all the time.

*sighs* on with this day... i simply don't want to be here today, not in mind, body or spirit.

i'd rather be nowhere. (yes, a cryptic but telling statement)

 

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