10:29 a.m. - 2003-01-28
Tara and moods
So yeah, perhaps I have been overly moody lately and I supopse I should share the small story as to the reason why sometimes I get edgey at the beginning of the year.
Many people who read this already know the story but what the hell, for those of you who don't, here's a little in on why I get so moody during the first few months of the year sometimes.
I had to come out of UMass and go to the community college back home for a semester because I couldn't afford to stay at UMass for the spring. I hated it but it was easy. My mem (grandmother to those not french inclined) had had congestive heart failure and a stroke the prior December and was in rehab through January and came home at the end of January. She had given us quite a scare and had been on life support while she was in the hospital, it wasn't until we pulled the plug on her that she came back to us. She was always obstinate like that :)
Anyway, on my birthday I was getting ready for work and as I was leaving stopped to she if Mems needed anything. I got her her tomato soup and crackers and a drink and she critiqued my hair, as she always did, which annoyed the crap out of me. Then as I was leaving she wished me happy birthday and then told me she loved me. This, for anyone who is french may know, isn't something you hear out of your grandmother all that often. I told her I loved her too and shot off to work.
A couple hours later the phone at the store rang and I answered it because I didn't have any customers at the time. It was my mom, she was in tears. She told me that Mem was gone, that she appeared to have had another heart attack and died. The news wasn't a shock to me oddly, and rather than go home to that situation I had chosen to stay at work.
The reality of it all never really hit me. I knew she was gone but I wasn't saddened by it because in my head, at least she wasn't in pain anymore. It was my birthday� when I got home my mom had a cake waiting for me. She was going to bring it to the store but the events of the afternoon had made negated that idea. I understood. There was no bitterness. But there was no joy.
Now I suppose it could sound selfish but my birthdays have never quite been the same. My mom, who has always made birthdays and holidays a big deal now had her mother's death to deal with on my birthday. It cast a rather large shadow over the day so I thanked my stars I was at school the next few years for my birthday and just let them go by.
It wasn't until three years after she died when my grief officially hit me. I spent that night locked in my room on the computer, chatting. I hadn't told anyone on the floor it was my birthday because I didn't want anyone making a fuss over it. I was depressed, I was angry, I was emotional and I didn't know where that would take me so I chose to isolate myself. Needless to say, once they found out, my floormates were ticked at me for not telling them. I explained to them why I didn't make such a big deal out of my birthday and discovered that one of them was quite in the same situation.
Anyway, long story short, some years are better than others for me. And because my subconscious reaction is to suppress the bad feelings sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it and it eventually makes me irritable and irrational sometimes. So after I realize that I analyze to see why I'm being such a wench bag and usually discover the reason.
This year, I miss her. Last year was the first time I had ever gone to the cemetery where she's buried. It was tough for me, but I did it and I talked with her, I vented. I've come to realize that my birthday is still a good day, and one to celebrate but sometimes that doesn't make it any easier to forget.
So while it may not be all of the factors leading to my moodiness, I can assure my reading audience that this situation lends to a good part of my moodiness is credited to losing my Mem on my birthday. Stupid people at work don't help either but it happens.
So while I don't try to alienate and bitch people out, I apologize in advance for my wickedness. I'll come through it and realize I'm an idiot eventually for running my mouth so, thanks in advance for understanding.
But also remember, sometimes with pain comes clarity. And sometimes during these moods I'm thinking clearer than may be expected, so don't be surprised if I dump on you quite non-apologetically. Some things need to be said and revealed. It's part of psyche house cleaning. It's part of being honest with yourself and your friends and acquaintances.
"I am me, and I am okay." - Virginia Satir
