11:04 a.m. - 2003-01-27
Brain Blowout
Yeah so� Internet Explorer here at work hates me to no friggen end!
I can't even begin to recreate the things I had written which is almost as annoying as�. Well hell, I don't know, it's pretty damned annoying.
And I had just finished talking about how all this shit has been piling up on me and that hopefully soon it would stop jumping on and I could start sorting it off. It's a good thing it's just a journal entry and not my life, geez.
And just for clarity, I'm not in a "joking" kind of mood so I'm really irritated, no comic relief intended though I seriously see how it could be interpreted that way.
I suppose it could be karma that the entry got deleted. My random brain doing circles around itself trying to avoid coming right out and saying some things to some people. So why don't I just come on out and say that part of it and get it off my damned mind.
I figure she still reads, she must, so what the hell.
Stop drinking like a fool! Alcohol doesn't SOLVE anything. Doesn't make anything go away and doesn't really make you feel any better than you do when you're sober. I lived with an alcoholic all my life, my mom finally kicked his ass out after my wedding and he was doing all right by himself for a while but know where he is now? He's living in a campground with a tiny woodstove for heat, no running water, no electricity and no money and no job. Why? Because he can't control his addiction and still thinks he doesn't have an alcohol problem. It will make you delusional. Instead of hiding behind a substance deal with what is in your face and you'll be both a better person for it and a healthier, more successful one. You're not just going to ruin your life but those of the people around you and the people who love you. Don't be stupid. Deal with your shit in a non-substance way and pick yourself and keep going.
Move with the cheese�. Or move the damn cheese yourself because sometimes we're just not happy where we are and it's our own damn fault if we stay there and make ourselves miserable.
Maybe you just see it as another lecture� and yeah, maybe you should because it is. Maybe for once take the "negativity" out of the word lecture and listen.
*end rant*
it's ridiculous in my head that I play these stupid games. I spent so much time learning not to beat around the bush but to attack the subject at hand head on and because of some stupid indiscretion on someone else's part I change that trait again? That's bullshit, I want to be finished with sugar coating things. Because some people don't need sugar coating� a nice raw fact smacking them around is sometimes splendorific!
There's so many interesting people in my life right now and I'm happy for them. I miss my andrea� I haven't gotten to see or talk to her much and I miss her. At least she's coming down this weekend. I hope those plans don't change, I worry about her when she's not in a writing or a talking mood.
Then there's Kristy. In an interesting place in her life right now and it both amuses and engages me to watch the wheels in her head turning. It's interesting to read what she writes, talk to her and see the way she says things and what those things are saying about her. She'll find her way, she's determined. Smart girl, pretty girl, and one I hope sticks around for a while I want to keep picking her brain.
And Him. So close yet I've been feeling so far from Him. It's just scheduling mostly I think but He's here for me, and I'm glad. I love Him and I'm glad that I have Him to take care of me. I'm still smarting over some recent events and I think that coupled with my errant moodiness and all the other shit I'm carrying around mentally is just taking it's toll on me. Hopefully I'll straighten my brain out soon so I can stop feeling like such a burden. Thank You, for loving me and taking care of me. I just want to spend forever at Your feet. I -am- Yours.
Went to the theater with my mom last night. I love her to death but sometimes she just drives me crazy. I think it mostly just drives me nuts that she just constantly is complaining about one thing or another, worrying about everyone else around her rather than just closing it and dealing. "Hope that lady left some perfume in the bottle for tomorrow�" well, yes, you have allergies but if you stopped talking, which makes you open your mouth exposing more sensative mucus membranes to the allergen, perhaps you wouldn't make your eyes water so much, and by the way, it wasn't THAT bad. People walking up and getting in front of us at the doors�. Who CARES?! We'll get into the theater eventually, it's not like we're going to miss the show that doesn't start for another half hour if a dozen people or so get in before us. Just be happy we're not at the BACK by the doors to the street! And content ignorance and overwhelming, unnecessary and fake pride about things.
With all due respect, and I know I can be a pain in the ass like this sometimes too but, get over yourself. You are -not- the best thing since sliced bread and who are you to judge everyone else on the planet? And by what scale? Your own? Now how exactly is that fair?
I love her but the complaining gets to me. And boasting about her friends gets to me because sometimes she paints them out to be super heros when in reality they are just people.
I love my mom, I got a lot of traits from her. Gods save the queen if we both end up like her! ;)
The weekend went by too quickly. I got to see my friends, which was really great. There were five of us in total and I would venture to say we had a great time. We spent a lot of time talking about high school and the people since Kirsten left in the seventh grade. She needed the skinny on all the folks she once knew and it was fun gossiping and talking about the stupid stuff we did when we were young and stupid. Hehe. All the fun stuff goes by too fast.
Alright, brief break from the crap to gripe about the stupid friggen people I work with. So there's this project that I'm working on for people in Jersey. They have a consultant who's "working on" the COBOL program conversion for them and she's supposedly coded for us before (need I say on another project that didn't get rave reviews from the management) and I spent nearly HALF MY DAY on Friday "helping" her. Then I get this ridiculous email this morning which all but takes credit for any progress we made and instead tries to make ME look like I did something wrong�, which as I compare the structures can rightly prove that my stuff is all as requested. I HATE LAZY PEOPLE!
I have a new, special place in my heart for consultants� yeah, I was one but at least I had ethics.
My day is getting too busy� maybe I'll be on a bender again later, but until then� adios folks.
