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8:21 a.m. - 2003-01-06
Is it Thursday yet?
Rule #1: never EVER fiddle with your birth control cycle.

this may lead to irrational emotional imbalance, sore EVERYTHING and a grumpy, less than positive outlook on a day that hasn't started off so bad.

beh, i need to go home!

i was antsy and anxious almost all weekend. the only times i was able to sit still long enough to accomplish anything were the times when i was talking online to Kristy or andrea or while i was out with Erin or shopping. i'm fidgety and snuggly and gaddam i wish the damn pains would go away... headache, bellyache, backache... someone shoot me!

on second thought, please don't... i'm attempting to wait patiently for Thursday but as it gets closer i find myself experiencing a little taste of andrea's vice, impatience (stop sharing, andrea!! ;) ) despite some anxiety on a variety of parts in other people, i think that the weekend will go quite well. i'm near certain there will be awkward moments but likely they'll balance out with the fun we'll have. likely there will be emotional clean up when the weekend is done... on numerous parts... but such is the way things function and we deal with those things as they come.

my meeting with Erin on Sunday was fun. i've nearly forgotten what it's like to meet people you only know online and have never seen when you're by yourself. it wasn't an issue and things went off well with us finding ourselves engrossed in conversation for a complete 4 hour block. it would have likely gone on for longer but she had errands to attend to, as did i.

i have some fundamental issues with some of her choices but all in all, i'm allowed those issues based on the fact that our philosophies on life vary greatly. she is very vanilla with some of the normal vanilla hang ups. i am no longer even close to vanilla and my hangs ups are small and usually laughable.

it will be interesting to see what comes out of this friendship. i don't forsee myself ever even considering spending a lifetime with this person (especially since she is almost certainly primarily heterosexual with just enough curiousity to send her looking for something in me or from me) but i don't perceive that as what she is after now so... life is good.

her logic reminded me of Louie a lot, and perhaps me while i was with him, but quite a time back. when i thought it would be okay for me to sleep with some other girl but didn't really think it would be okay for him to do so. likewise he didn't like the thought of me sleeping with another man so... it balanced. in my opinion, the logic is flawed especially when applied to a situation that could significantly impact your and your partner's life.

it amuses me even more because it is her dictating how he should act and/or is expected to behave, which in my world now is saved only for those men too weak to have a say of their own. funny how my attitudes changed... funny even more how i, too, will exploit those who show me weakness just for the sick pleasure of it all. i thank my stars i'm not angry at the world or the affection for that power could quickly cause some larger issues indeed.

i understand and empathize with her position though. she's not had it easy but she doesn't ever put it that way nor does she seem to milk her unfortunate situations and coddle any negativity using them. overall, i guess i'm still not so sure about her. i'm still not particularly pleased with the fact that her boyfriend of two years thinks i'm a friend from school, but i understand her wanting the freedom to explore her options without pressure from him. i would have liked to launch into a deeper conversation about how she should be able to talk to him, but the timing was not appropriate nor would it have been a particularly good time to start pointing accusing fingers. that's a sure fire way to screw up a potentially good friendship.

though, as i said, i'm not entirely sure of her, i will meet up with her again because we had great conversation, and i think we can have a lot more of that. next time i think i'd like to probe deeper into her experiences and feelings with/for women just to see where she stands on the playing field. she is, after all, the one who sought me out from the listing so i'd like to get a better idea about her.

in time.

lonely day it will be today. i've been lost in my own world since NYE (gee i wonder why) and really want little to do with the people here at work. i think i just need a vacation but this isn't a good time for me to need one since i have a million and one releases coming up for various projects i need to finish in the first quarter... *sighs* i can't wait for Leather Retreat or some other weekend where i can be off and away. right now i'm really rather feeling like being holed up somewhere where there's no one i know (other than Him of course) and just getting away from all the stuff that just grates on me lately.

i'm thinking about turning over the web page to Audrey. she's got the time and wants to make changes... our artistic philosophies differ and i'm sick of feeling like the bitch for crabbing at her every time something changes that i don't like. i hate the new colors but... whatever. maybe i'll just talk to the board at the meeting and ask them where to put the charges for the access to and then roll it all over to her and be done with it. i contributed by at least getting it up and started.

i'm also considering not going to the meetings much anymore. i'm starting to feel distant from everyone there because we don't go to anything very often anymore. we jsut can't. there's not enough time and Stephan's got his work schedule and... well, it's just so faaaar to go on my own. i guess i'll see if anyone really wants to go with me (as in drive with me) down there this month and probably next until the page is transitioned and i can get my money back for the hosting.

i don't know... it's a strange world with changes and rifts and perhaps it's time for me to let things go for now. i miss them but i know where to find them should i need to see anyone and i'll still go to the events and such because they're usually pretty good and are a good time in general. it would be easier if i had someone to go -with- though. eh, we'll see... i know Kimmy was talking about going down... tis pretty much closer for her though... eh... in time...

dammit, why isn't it Thursday yet?

maybe more later... should do some work now...

 

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