8:43 a.m. - 2002-10-25
Strage week...
at least in Tara's head it is.
it's one of those weeks that crept by but at the same time it's inconceivable that it's already Friday. Welcome, but still inconceivable.
I think I'm just lost in my head a lot this week. I have all the symptoms of that... slightly irritable from time to time, a little less observant of my absolute boredom sometimes at work. My nights are just kind of a blur. I managed to get quite a bit done though lately... though I haven't really been studying for my midterm, which may show next week. I have to work on that.
I have things in my head that I've been thinking about a lot, but they are apparently not ready to come out quite yet. Not a lot of time to bounce things off Him as I used to have so I guess it takes me longer to reason in my own head than against someone else who knows how my brain works. Long ride ahead of us next week, perhaps I'll get some things straightened out a bit better during that time.
At least the sniper(s) were allegedly caught... That'll make the family and coworkers happier. We're going to DC. Told my mom the other day after telling her she didn't want to know a dozen times but she insisted. Then my boss asked me again the other day if we were still going, when I said yes he told me we are crazy. I could see the actual concern on his face even though he wasn't looking at me. It's nice to know they're worried... even if he's only worried because I'm the only one who can do my job here to the extent I can right now ;)
I hadn't actually started worrying about being down there at all. Perhaps it's just me being the "indestructible" 20-something young adult, but I don't think so. I just think that I've accepted the fact that it's my time when it's my time. My boss says that changes when you have kids, and I can understand that. I'll probably definately fight the theory when I have kids, after all, you can't just really leave your children behind. Responsibility.
Speaking on responsibility, pardon me while I go off for a few minutes. Something else that has been in my head, something I, luckily, didn't get to go off on in the recent past.
I've come to the decision that some kids now-a-days are about as dumb and ignorant as they come. They do stupid shit like get involved in drugs and theft and other petty crimes and not-so-petty crimes, but worst of all the young women go out and get themselves pregnant and then continue to think that they are impermeable to the elements of life. There's more than one example in my mind currently. And I laugh because they think the world will just hand them everything. I laugh because they continue to live their lives selfishly. I laugh so more because they don't realize what's coming and how selfish has to turn to selfLESS in such a short time.
My eternal example will always be my cousin. She's got a beautiful little girl. Spoiled to all hell. She's the first (blood) great grandchild on my dad's side. She's just a doll. My cousin got pregnant in high school though, senior year. She could have quit, dropped out and used her pregnancy as a crutch. Why not? She had the bum-rap life as a teenager. Her parents divorcing when she was somewhere in junior high or high school. Her relationship with her father becoming mostly non-existent after years of living under his almost oppresive rule. Her little brother went 'bad' in some ways with the lack of an authority figure, although deep down I still think he's a good kid.
But she didn't quit school. She kept going. I believe she did the best thing she could. Perhaps she didn't do as well as she may or may not have liked to that year, but the point is, she finished. I'm proud of her for that.
She was somewhat selfish through it, I'm sure. We all are I suppose at that age. But I watched it all change when Savannah was born. She was torn from the life she knew. The partying, going out with friends all the time, to some extent the drinking... whatever else she may have done that I don't know about and don't need to. She pretty much lost her independance because now she had another life to consider. She had a baby to take care of.
She became selfless, and truly, it really is a beautiful thing. She didn't like it a lot of the time but she knew it had to be that way.
We had a discussion just after I had left my home and my husband. In it, she told me that I had just given up everything that she wants in her life. A good man with a good job, a house, privacy and a good environment for children. She told me that she envied me for what I had made of my life and that she's often sad about how her life has turned out, while reassuring me that she loves Savannah. She feels as if she's cut off from moving forward because she needs to spend so much time taking care of Savannah. In some ways I think she was feeling like a failure.
I told her she wasn't a failure at all. That she had taken her situation so far and made the best of what she had. I reminded her that she has a beautiful little girl who knows she's loved. She's a healthy and happy little girl who knows her whole family (extended family I suppose though in our family we never look at it that way) loves her to pieces. I don't see that as a failure. So I told my cousin that she didn't fail at anything, that she has just made things a little more difficult to obtain but that she could do anything she wanted to. She just had to be patient and persistent.
She's a good girl, my cousin. Two years my minor and unfortunately perpetually compared to me by my grandfather who, from time to time, will inquire why she can't be more like me. I hate that, and she knows that. I wish he wouldn't do that. We're the only girl grandchildren on my dad's side... so we were always close in some ways even though our lives took completely different spins. I love her to pieces, and miss her often though our lives are so completely contrasting from one another.
She makes a good mom. Someday she'll acheive the things she wants. An education, a career and perhaps even a stable life for Savannah (there's some issues with Savannah's dad though my cousin and him still live together... it's confusing sometimes). She's just got to keep trying.
My point is that even she didn't look far enough forward in the beginning. She didn't realize what her choices had forced her into giving up. She didn't realize the immensity of her situation until Savannah was here.
While I understand how it can happen, I wish it did not. I wish there were more people who thought ahead about the life that's coming into the world instead of just about themselves. Maybe this is why I'm not ready to be a parent yet. Because I realize the immensity of the sacrifices I will have to endure and the immensity of the responsibility that will be sitting on my shoulders.
Maybe I'm too much of a realist for my age.
I wonder what happened to my blissfull ignorance?
Oh, wait a minute, I remember. I hated it. It burned me.
Maybe I've just learned that ignorance and blaming everyone else for my issues doesn't work.
I guess I'll watch the rest of the world collapse as they live in their ignorance.
Perhaps some day they too will see.
