8:29 a.m. - 2002-10-08
ups and downs
i've decided that i am in an awful slump right now.
time for me to bitch/whine/moan for a little while and see if i can figure out what the hell is bothering me besides the fact that work fucking blows turkey butts lately and quite frankly, i think that's enough to make anyone blah.
i wake up in the morning wondering why i'm up. i come to work, sort through the various daily reports i get and delete them all because, quite frankly, they're not worth reading unless the subject line mentions they have completed unsuccesfully... thankfully they were created to be reviewed that way so there's no remorse on my part for deleting them without looking at them.
after i delete more than 98% of my email i read the ones that originally seem important only to find that of the final 2%, only 1 or 2 of the emails are anything applicable to me in any way shape or form. i'm still waiting on stuff for that stupid WANG project too... grrrr!
once i'm all done with email it's onto the word of the day at www.m-w.com. Good stuff... builds vocabulary and sometimes they have the strangest words every there. after that it's off to msnbc.com to read the daily comics and see what kind of bullshit Bush is selling today... i swear.. i'm SO glad sometimes that i don't watch the news, otherwise, i probably wouldn't have a whole TV in the apartment... i'd be too busy throwing things at it because of the dumb shite they show or support. Strange though that i've succumbed to occassionally watching Buffy... that i watch WWE just about every monday and thursday and of course, Dawson's Creek just started it's 6 season last week so there's my wednesday plans all there ;)
on tuesdays it's school, which is happily kicking my ass and making my brain hurt. usually once i get the concept i just go flying along but every now and then WHAM it seems like nothing i try will work, or worse yet, it seems like no matter what i read or do or try i just can't figure out why it won't work! grrr! i can't decide which is more frustrating. i'll pass though... i've been emailing the professor just to make sure i get things right. at least one thing the work environment has taught me is that asking questions is most definately an acceptable and smart thing to do. So hence, i'll drive my professor crazy until i understand it, and if that doesn't work, i'll probably drive other people in my class nuts until i understand it.
speaking of them, there's this one woman in my class that i would simply LOVE to strangle to death. she's been working on these classes for x-amount of time and she comes off as being a know-it-all to the max. one of the guys and i were discussing some problems we had with an assignment and she chimes right in with "it wasn't hard at all, i did it in about a half and hour, what's so hard about it?" which i promptly ignored and started speaking with the other guy i sit next to to attempt and get some help on my own. the wench. i nearly busted out laughing last week when i contributed to an explanation of something we were working on and she just kept asking questions that demonstrated her clear misunderstanding for what we were doing... it's evil, but i was amused. i hate people who gloat about being able to do things instead of offering to help out.
she's one of two people in that class that i just, so far, refuse to talk to.. the other is this kid who showed up 20 minutes before the end of the first class, missed the second and comes to the third and asks questions about stuff from the second class. schmcuk... should've showed up if you had questions! but in any event i'm more likely to talk to him socially than i am the know-it-all wench. then there's another woman in the class who is very nice. one of those quiet, meek people and she's having a tough time with the class. i'd offer to help but it's not like it was in college... i think she'd almost be offended. we sually walk out together in a way...
so that's my class. all 6 students and my professor, who is okay, not a fabulous professor but he does alright. he actually made it so that i could understand a concept i was having a hard time with through email, which is pretty impressive since i'm a visual person a lot. eh... i'll pass... i'll make sure i do.
socially, my life has hit the toilet. funny thing about that being that really, even if He was home as much as He used to be, i don't know that we'd be all that much busier than i have been lately (or lack thereof on some days). i guess that i just miss His company a lot of the time. it's strange to suddenly be alone all the time again. i dont' know what to do with myself a lot...
so as previously mentioned, i had started succumbing to the evil computer again but thankfully work has managed to ruin that love for me and it makes it easier for me to resolve not to spend so much time on the 'puter at home anymore, whether it be playing D or doing whatever else. i don't chat anymore... the people irritate me now. i keep my accounts open though... strange that, but i do. every now and then i'll log in and see someone i'll actually want to talk to but most of the time, it's all new people, and if for some reason i happen to log into the main room where everyone is, i'm usually instantly annoyed by the infantile behavior or the typical net.drama that is constantly occurring on these things. it's both amusing and disgusting at the same time... thankfully i'm revolted by it and consequently just log off... perhaps i'll start letting some of my accounts die. there's really only two places i'd talk to people any more and even one of those is questionable but i need to leave the name there for legacy reasons.
i took some ibuprofen about a half hour ago... i'm feeling a little better at least. i just feel BLAH... like i'm permanently sleepy or something and from time to time my belly goes on revolt and decides to just be upset with me for one reason or another. it's schizophrenic or something. started exercising again though so maybe it will all improve with that and the new sleep schedule...
keep reminding myself... move -with- the cheese.
my usual optimism is somewhat in the toilet lately too... funnier thing about that is i know it will all turn around once i settle into a new routine and work picks up again, which may just happen soon since Gary finally came over to make a meeting time for the WANG stuff. yay, it's scheduled for tomorrow at 10. why am i dreading it?
heh... i think i just need a vacation. a get-away-and-find-peace-and-tranquility vacation. the kind i haven't had in about two and a half years now or somethign to that effect. something He and i sort of call a "vanilla vacation". plopping myself down on a beach or by a lake or something with nothing ringing or whirring or beeping and shit. somewhere where my brain can just stop thinking logically and let my regular side come back out of hiding. creativity has been poking about lately and i've wanted to cross stitch a few times but... no chair to sit comfortably in to do so... patience is a virtual and i am patiently waiting to be unpoor so we can buy furniture :)
He is right that it will get easier now that He's working. it just sometimes seems like a huge sacrifice for the sake of alleviating money problems. but i'm sucking it up and dealing with it. it's just strange for me since this is really the first time since we've been living together that i've had to be without him so much. it's almost like when we very first met except without as much play time as we had back then... that's another issue i suppose.
sacrifices. i keep reminding myself that i am making sacrifices for the future. sometimes i can't help but wonder who's future i'm sacrificing for though. but again.. another issue altogether. another time, another place more than likely...
ahh well... perhaps i just needed to babble a little today... either that or those ibuprofen are working REALLY well. i feel somewhat better. yes and no. up and down... that kind of thing.
give me 10 minutes, i'll be in the tank again.
