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1:05 p.m. - 2002-08-21
brain dump
So I'm stuck in that circle again...

be nervous, don't be nervous...

worry about what's happening, laugh at myself for even thinking about it...

think bad thoughts, realize that I'm just being silly...

It's really annoying. A behavior I don't enjoy and such a waste of time. I'm glad that for the most part I'm pretty busy that way I don't become obsessive compulsive about the whole thing.

I suppose it's a trust issue. I trust Him implicitly. I don't know her all that well... though I'd like to trust her, we just don't have that kind of foundation and of course hearing that she was trying to play with Him this morning didn't do much for my imagination. But He handled it. I am at ease for the most part again... it's something that she and I will likely talk about at some point, especially since I've brought it up in here. I suppose part of my issue is my almost natural mistrust of females in general. An issue that has only gotten deeper since getting involved with the lifestyle and getting more in touch with myself.

Truthfully, myself included, women are absolute bitches on the inside. Somewhere or another, in some area of our bodies/minds/lives we just go psycho for one reason or another and do really bizarre torturous things to people, sometimes only to ourselves. Probably some kind of effect from the world trying to make us equals with the men of the world but I suppose I don't need to go off on that tangent. I suppose that's where my natural suspicion of other women comes from. It's just a matter of overruling my mind about making snap decisions ahead of time. I'm becoming all lawyer-like.. innocent until proven guilty or something like that... I'm just weird probably.

So yeah.. another day of wondering (when I have the time), another day of subconscious aversion of my own thoughts, another day of learning about myself. I'm glad I'm open to myself and can look at my self from an "outside" point of view, so to speak since it's impossible to remove yourself from you, one can only try to be objective but we're always subjective in some ways... otherwise we'd be boring or dead.

I still think it's really weird how the factions war inside of me. Part of me is absolutely fine with it all. Not threatened, not worried... then there's Tara's irrational side, which Tara has successfully managed to quell time and time again, yet at the same time, listens, just in case... wouldn't want to be caught down the road telling myself I told me so! ;)

I'm doing well. I'm okay with it (at least in this second). I am learning.

Good thing I like learning :)

Need alone time with A at some point though... she asks more questions one on one... at least with me. I wonder if she does the same with Him?

Ahh well... time for me to go back to the grind...

 

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