6:49 a.m. - 2002-07-18
-
It's amusing how people make up rules and only apply them to certan situations or do not apply them to themselves.
Perhaps if everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, myself included, stopped being so goddamed selfish and trying to protect everyone from "potential hurt" then all the bullshit would be done with. However, humans are selfish by nature... survival of the fittest I believe it's called... and we'll do it over and over and over again, slowly killing off or at least ridding ourselves of those we see as not necessary in our lives.
-I- did not lock my old journal... not only that but I did NOT even give an inkling to anyone that it was out there! But did that stop anyone? No!
Would it have made any difference if I had mentioned it, certian people would have read half of it and then suddenly I locked it and left them out in the dark? No. We'd be in the same fricken situation. The same situation I'm seeing my other friends in now.
Maybe I'm not on top of that situation, and I know that they probably aren't even close to being the same but in the end, it's all the same game.
INSTEAD OF HIDING BEHIND HALF-TRUTHS, AND HIDDEN AGENDAS, BE REAL, BE HONEST AND STOP BEING EGOTISTICAL. And that goes for every last one of us.
I've started using this journal more than my private one. Why? Because I'm not uncomfortable anymore saying that there are certain people in my life who have done me wrong and who OWE ME AN OUTRIGHT APOLOGY that I have never received. I'm not seeking FORGIVENESS, for I have done nothing wrong. I'm not seeking "I want to say I'm sorry but..."... none of that!
And because those people have written me out of their lives, I've accepted that and moved on. I am not part of those lives anymore and I don't feel I need to be. It's a damn, fricken shame that I love them still and still care to keep up on what they are doing and feeling.
Perhaps I should stop? But I suppose it's becoming just like the rest of the diaries I read from people I don't know at all. In the end it all becomes like a soap opera, we get involved in the lives of everyone we touch, even strangers and we -feel-. Is that so bad? I don't think so. We're human. There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling.
When it's personal, it hurts. When it causes rifts, it hurts more. And when it causes hostility and resentment, it destroys things.
Why do we lock things and keep them hidden? Because we're scared. Why do we hide ourselves even behind our words in our public diaries? Why do we watch what we say, not wanting to reveal all of ourselves, not wanting to "step on toes" or anything like that? Because we're scared.
But what are we -really- scared of?
I think we're scared of ourselves. The level of fear is what varies.
I've gone off on a tangent that sprung from something I'm not even really involved in... it's just unfortunate for anyone reading that it was so close to home.
***************************************
If you tell someone about your blog, it usually means that you trust that person enough to understand you, the way your brain works, and expect that they will ask questions when something seems unusual or out of "normal" character.
People should learn to read a blog for what it is... conscious stream of thoughts, a sharing of self and experiences, a self-reasoning device, a brain dump.
Blogs are not treasure hunts. Find booty somewhere else or be brave enough to ask some questions and stop jumping through hoops looking for something to bash your friends about.
And indeed the last one is true and I thoroughly agree with it... I guess it just depends on how it's applied and how it's reacted to.
Stop assuming.
Start asking questions.
You go girl! Express yourself!
