8:04 a.m. - 2002-07-15
Long time no write!
AQUARIUS:
>>the weekend of July 13
Associates, companions, loved ones and the man on the street may spontaneously decide that you are on this earth to serve their needs, and if they don't like your style/attitude then they can tell you all about it. Blame fiery, war-like Mars, the planet of initiation, for taking up residence in your opposite sign of Leo.
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This, I suppose, is a funny horoscope considering my weekends events. We were in Hartford this weekend and there's a new woman there and, well, quite frankly, I think she's a bitch and disrespectful and on and on. Yes, I normally do have something against the majority of female Dominants, however... this woman takes the cake. And again this week she has proven to me that she is nothing but a ruthless, disrespectful, nearly dangerous wench of a woman.
I had the complete displeasure of being present for her antics for two days, those of which included her thinking every man on this fine earth is there to serve her needs or vent her frustrations on, not excluding a lovely display of disrespect straight to Him by offering to pull his hair out with tweezers just to prove she could hurt Him. fracking wench. Then bossing around people that do not even have any reason whatsoever to serve her.
It's odd for me to say this, I suppose, but there are indeed, it turns out, women on this planet whom I -would- let touch me... then there's the opposite extreme, and I think this woman is number one on my "needs to get it up the ass and have the smackdown laid on her" list. Strip that woman, put her in a collar and put her at the feet of -the- most ruthless, evil man on the planet and see how SHE likes it!
It's nice to know that I"m not the only one noticing it too. There's a few other people who have definite concerns about "her ways" and how she talks to others. I think that group even includes some rather important people too. After talking with Him about it I guess I just sort of associate it with the fact that I see her primary victim as a close part of my family and I worry for him. I don't want to see anyone get hurt and I just don't trust this woman. *shrugs* I guess it'll all shake out in the end. It's not my life or my hide afterall but I'm still allowed to worry about those I love.
On the subject of family...
When I went to my first ever Society meeting it was like walking into a relative's house (except it wasn't a house at all, not even our own space). People were friendly, homey. I got hugs when I was leaving and I felt welcome and unintimidated (well, to a point). It was my first public outing as a submissive at His side and I lived to tell about it without a great amount of stress (which I was well known for inducing in myself during that period of time).
Now, I realize that I don't see these people as strangers. I don't see them as their separate entities as a whole. They are indeed my 'family', and I love them in that strange way that we love family members. Sure, I don't love all of them in quite the same way. There's even some that sometimes I just wish would go away (much like my blood family members ;) ) but I wouldn't wish even them any harm and usually the irritation wears off after a while and things are 'normal' (ha! isn't that a relative term!).
We -do- have our own space now, and though, under all the love and furniture and feet, it's just a garage, it's a garage that is filled with love and caring and FAMILY. It's like a second home. It's comfortable. It provides a freedom, both for the group as a whole and on a personal level (because you really -don't- have to wait to get into the bathroom to change, no one really cares if you do it in the middle of the room or not. Well, people might watch but hell... who notices?) I guess there's just no way to explain it really... I love the place, and the people in it.
Part of me, the idealistic part I guess, really wishes that everyone could understand that feeling and that as a whole, our entire community could understand it and feel it. But I guess, as there are countries on the planet that often can't find a relating point, separate groups are like countries too. Perhaps, like we wish for world peace someday, we can wish for unity someday on some level.
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Saturday night, I apparently took a "good beating". I love sessions. Okay, that's putting it lightly I suppose. What seems like minutes turns out to be hours... the wonders of headspace travel I guess. Memories have to be worked at and filtered through the calm waters they are buried under... I have to work to remember order of implements and hardly ever remember all of my reactions (though people have no problems reminding me of them and picking on me sometimes).
I guess our session turned heads again. We never really notice. -I- never notice because usually I have my eyes closed and within minutes I'm relatively incoherent to my surroundings with the execption of listening for Him behind me and for the wooshing and whistling of implements through the air. He sometimes notices, most times not. It's our close friends that usually tell us that we drew attention. We often wonder why, and never understand why once told.
I guess people are impressed with how much I can take, and also with the way we work together, our chemistry of sorts I guess, and His skills. For us, it's sort of how things just are. They've always been that way. I think perhaps it's just chemistry and that bond that lies deep within us on so many different levels. The ability to communicate without speaking, to just feel (which comes in handy when I'm not in any condition to form words readily). Part of me wishes more people could understand and at least at one time feel a bond like that.
Master Harley even told me that I took a lot that night while he was hugging me good bye. I was still half out of it but I think I remember asking him "I did?". Part of me often thinks I didn't take all that much at all... which is strange really since I have a good set of trophy marks from the session but still... I felt like I could've gone on for more and more and more... perhaps I'm greedy or perhaps the freedom and pure insane lust for the warmth and comfort of the leather just drives me to ask for more.
heh... my favorite word during a session: "more!" He laughs every time I ask for it...
I think the part of me that thinks I haven't taken much at all is the part lost in the time warp. I have memory images of a good portion of parts in the session but often I can't seem to make the words to explain them, describe them or even put them in the appropriate order of events. To explain my headspace in a way that is coherent and tangible would be an amazing feat indeed. I wish I could do it. I wish I could share it with people because it's amazing but I can't. You all can't -feel- it. You all can't be there and know what it's like. At the same time I wonder if allowing someone there would violate the purity of the space. After all, it is my personal space. A space that only I can get to, and it's like the key is inside me and can only be brought out by the one I trust the most.
I realy wish I could share. I really wish you all could be there, even just once. Though I think some wouldn't be able to handle the absolute freedom of letting it all go, because that's what it is. That's how I got there. I had to learn to let everything go... everything.
*sighs deeply* It's good to be free within ones' self yet still be able to do the things in life that you've been driven to do all along.
Goodness how my life has changed. How -I- have changed.
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There are things in my life, in my past, that I wish to let go of. Things I almost need to set free. Some of them are unresolved, some of them are scary or depressing. Some are cryptic, some unfinished.
I think I see another crossroads either just ahead, or just behind me and I think there is parting of the ways to be had. It's difficult and sometimes pointless to make a journey with someone when the connections aren't there anymore. Even more difficult when the companions seem to stop walking altogether.
The questions of my life lately... do I step forward and leave the past behind me? Or do I compromise my own self and step backwards to let them catch up? Is it worth it to go back? Is it easier to go forward? Is it really any of my concern what happens to those who've chosen to walk behind? Do they even realize they've stopped walking?
Too many people in my life... yet not enough. Too many unfinished, disconcerting connections. Too many things to pursue and sometimes too much old stuff holding me down. Information from one place, conflicting information from another. No information from some.
No one ever said life and relationships were easy. No one ever told us it would be so difficult. Yet sometimes even the simplicity of the obvious is not always so obvious to those who cloud their own brains.
I was and somewhat still am there. But I'm adrift and slowly floating further away.
Cryptic? Yes.
"You're so vain / You probably think this song is about you / You're so vain / I bet you think this song is about you / Don't you? Don't you?"
Thank you Carly Simon... yes, a song lyric *gasp!* but I think my exact words were quite similar. I'm not avoiding my feelings by following that with the fact that I think far too many people take my journal as a personal attack or commentary on their lives. It's not that at all. It's MY journal. Mine. My thoughts. My feelings. My emotions. My experiences, and truthfully, has little to do with most of you although a portion of you do make an appearance here.
But I suppose that is a touchy subject... I'll just let it go...
In all truth, a communications path that appears open will deliver all truths from me. Sometimes I just find that it's easier to find another path than to deal with the thorns of the past.
(I should start writing horoscopes *grins*)
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Deleting paragraphs in one's jorunal (in reference to my own, above comments) is not an option.
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Why do I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting week?
