1:07 p.m. - 2002-05-23
searching
I'm still searching for a way to fix everything. A magic panacea that will remedy even the worst that has occurred in the past year. I'm sure I'm not alone in this journey, I'm certain that there are thousands if not millions of other people out there searching for the fix-all for their laments.
Perhaps we should all stop searching on the outside and look inside...
There's one thing I've learned in the corporate world that applies directly to my private world. Pointing fingers and assigning blame in cases of ambiguity does not fix the problem. This is something that goes on ALL the time at work here...
Phrases like "it must be the database" have become everyday phrases and ones that we're forced to mute out the phone and laugh at nearly every time it comes up... but we do our due dilligence and at least -check- to make sure that it's -not- the database before saying it's not... at least -I- do. And I laugh even more when it comes back to us that the team that called is actually the team that had created the problem. I swear... it's hilarious how quickly people will pan mistakes out to others. Never wanting to see themselves at fault but instead faulting the world for their problems.
Funny how that applies to everyday life. To those people in your life who whine and cry about how this isn't going well for them and that isn't going well for them and blaming everyone else but themselves for not getting what they claim is their "right" to have. Or to ourselves.
I've had numerous discussions about how people need to take more responsibility for their own lives and stop blaming all the environmental variables for the things that occur. If something isn't right, stop, look at the situation, see what you can do to better it, if not eliminate the problem, and move in that direction. Stop pointing fingers, stop laying blame and just DO something about it.
I, just like everyone else in this shallow world of ours, often get caught up in the finger pointing and blame assessment but eventually I realize that no one else is going to change things for me. No one else really -sees- things the way I do. So why should I a) expect THEM to change and b) expect them to fix my problems?
I'm a dreamer by nature. I spent the majority of my younger life dreaming my way out of my reality. Blocking out the sounds of my parents yelling, or my mom crying, or whatever else was going on in the house. I suppose I spent a lot of time blaming my family situation for my weight problem, for me being shy, for lots of things, but usually in the end I figured out how to get aroung things. Figured out eventually that I could change the things I spent so many years blaming that situation for. sometimes I wish I'd have figured it out sooner... would have saved me some trouble along the way.
As a dreamer I often have what people call "high hopes"... things that people will say "yeah right, you'll never get there" or the more optimistic ones "sure, good luck trying at least". I've already beaten the odds that those people have dealt out to me at one point or another, because I WORKED FOR IT, I WANTED IT, and I FOUGHT FOR IT.
If it's not obvious... I'm a woman. Nowadays women get more respect than they used to but it's still a man's world, still a battle in the workplace every day. I left my last company as part of a layoff, I had been a consultant... I had very few concentrated skills at all. At first, I figured I was doomed. But I made a decision about what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a DBA. I had -some- database experience, no production experience so when my recruiter called with an opportunity I met it with mixed emotions. I went anyway, the days prior reminding myself that this is what I wanted.
All odds were against me. They mentioned that I had much less (like NO) experience than they really wanted in their ideal candidate. They told me it would be a nightmare sometimes, they basically tried to scare the pants off me by telling me the realities of the job I was there to interview for... I amazed myself in that interview. I looked each of the team in the eye and told them, "I can do this job for you!" And somehow it worked...
After being here for... oh, nine months, I can tell you... I most certainly did lack much of the knowledge that would have been most helpful at key times during my time here. But I can tell you this. By believing in myself, by putting all the crap in my past behind me and looking towards my seemingly unreachable goal. I got that job, and within six months, I got my first raise. Two months later I got a second raise, a promotion and gained the ability to park in the on-site lot (a major acheivement at my level and a much coveted priviledge :) )
I had a dream job in mind. I could have hidden behind all the bad stuff in my past and told myself I was unemployed because this happened or that happened or this person didn't like me or that person didn't... but no, I went and got myself something better, something that I love to do (even when I have to come in at 2 in the morning... ugh...). When I do things wrong here, I admit it... hell, just like everyone else around here, I'm still learning. As a group we're getting better at not pointing fingers back at people but instead showing that we're not the bottleneck. It's changed some things around here. I wish the other teams could get their stuff together... but then again, I started out as a programmer and I remember the defensive nature I had about my code being right or wrong ;)
Someday perhaps we'll all be able to get past our inflated egos and admit that, hey, there very well might be something wrong on this side... and we'll check first, and see before saying "nope, not my fault"...
maybe someday, we'll all be friends again....
